Not Bad At All
by Xian Ke
Summary: They say you're supposed to enjoy the little things in life when you know your time's almost up. Clearly, whoever said that wasn't put in Ling Tong's situation.
1. s k i r m i s h

**Word Count: **1,707; **Note: **This chapter was edited and thus, made shorter, due to the fact the beginning here didn't match up with later events. I'm sorry it's so short now...

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s k i r m i s h

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_"You're going to have to get used to him, Ling Tong."_

_ "Correction. I'm going to have to get _rid_ of him."_

* * *

I remember the first time I heard of the bastard. It was a moment I'll never forget—and not in a warm, gives-your-heart-that-fuzzy-feeling kind of way.

Gan Ning killed my father.

The hatred that pumped from my heart was as potent as any toxin. I wanted to kill him. Kill him a thousand times, and maybe more. I wanted to rip his heart and shatter his world the way he had mine. I wanted to take the life of someone close to him, make him break and wither the way I had.

But the chance didn't present itself. And before I knew it, the filthy bastard was working for Wu.

"I'll kill him," I snarled under my breath. "I'll kill him before the enemy gets the chance."

"Now, Ling Tong," Lu Meng started. I _really_ wasn't in the mood for one of his 'responsibility' talks. "You know you can't do that. Are you so willing to throw away everything you have here for this man? Think about it: he'd win in the end, anyway."

I slammed my fist into the nearby wall, disregarding the fact it was rather late. "Why? Why did you and Sun Quan hire him in the first place? What's so special about him that you're willing to look past the fact _he killed my father_?"

"You think you're the only one to lose a parent to war?" Lu Meng said. His footsteps became closer, and I knew he was standing somewhere behind me now. Like that would help anything. "You think you're the only man who's had to bury his father? Who are those men you cut down every day? They all have families—dreams, ideals, a future—until the moment you decide to kill them. Gan Ning was doing his job."

"Don't make excuses for him," I snapped. "Don't you or Zhou Yu or anyone else make excuses for that bastard!"

"Ling Tong—"

I'd had enough. Spinning on my heels, I turned and strode past my superior, bee-lining my way to the door. I hated the idea of having to leave my own damn chamber, but I was willing to go just about anywhere to get away from Lu Meng.

"Running away won't do you any good."

I stopped dead in my tracks, my hand halfway extended toward the door. I stared at it, watching it tremble—tremble with anger and frustration. I just wanted to get out.

"Don't tell me how to live my life," I said, not bothering to so much as turn my head in his direction.

And I left.

I didn't know where I was going. All I knew was that I had to get away from people like Lu Meng—people who actually thought that _thing_ was worth something to this army.

_"It won't be so bad. It will be a good learning experience." _

Lu Xun could kiss my ass. '_Learning experience_'? What the hell am I, a four-year-old? What could I possibly learn from a filthy pirate?

My feet carried me out of the castle and into the courtyard. The night air closed in around me, caressing my skin with its chilled hands until it earned the goose bumps it sought. A soft breeze rustled the trees, reminding me of the sound of rain. I almost wished it _was_ raining; I liked it when the weather mirrored my depressive moods.

Out of the courtyard and down a worn, fading trail, my feet kept going without any real instructions. I knew where they were taking me. I'd walked this path dozens of times prior—hell, I could probably walk it in my sleep, I'd done it so many times.

My thoughts shifted back to Lu Meng and the others. What did _he_ know about what I was going through. What the hell did _any_ of them know. They didn't, and that's what pissed me off. They act like they've gone through it all before, but they haven't. Bunch of big-headed liars. Too high-and-mighty to actually admit they might have made a mistake or don't know something for once...

The ground started to incline and the wind picked up. The arches of the cemetery came into view, and with them I felt an old pain gnawing at my chest. After that, I was on auto-pilot. My feet carried me through the arches and down the narrow paths between the headstones.

Sixth row back, fourth stone in. Ling Cao. The greatest man I ever knew. The greatest man I'd _ever _know.

And the only father I'd ever get.

I sat down in the small space in front of the stone, reaching out to brush some dirt off the engraving. My eyes ran over the name once, twice, three times.

_Ling Cao. Ling Cao. Ling Cao._

My father. My only father. My dead father. My cheated father. My unavenged father.

Gan Ning.

Anger and sorrow bristled in my chest, fighting for dominance over my heart like lions. I didn't know which one to feel: both at once hurt too much. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to cry. I wanted to rip the throbbing organ from my body and hurdle it into the ocean. I was sick of feeling, sick and tired of feeling like this, of feeling anything at all.

I leaned forward, resting my forehead against the cool stone. It was too quiet. My thoughts were too loud. That damned pounding in my chest was too loud—that reminder that I was still alive and my father was not.

"Father," I whispered, "I don't know what to do. I thought I finally had everything sorted out before, but now..." A sigh escaped my dry lips. "Sometimes, I wish I was dead, too."

"Still pretty sentimental, aren't we?"

That voice... Anger quickly gripped my heart as I slowly lifted my head from the stone, not wanting to look at _his_ ugly face.

"Talking to dead guys who can't hear you..." Gan Ning went on. He was perched on one of the cemetery arches, wearing that hideous, cocky smirk of his. I wanted to rip it off. "That was forever ago. You're _still_ not over it?"

"If you don't leave now, you'll be six feet under, too," I said, maintaining the flattest tone of voice I could; I would be damned before I gave him the satisfaction that he'd thoroughly pissed me off. "I'll start digging the hole now. If you're still here when I'm done, you're going in it, dead or alive."

Gan Ning laughed. "You can't touch me. The old man would have your head."

"I wouldn't mind giving it to him once I had yours."

A weird look came over the ex-pirate's face. I would call it thoughtful, but I figured a moron like him wasn't capable of actually _thinking_. Regardless, a strange smirk curled his stupid lips as he jumped down from his perch.

"You talk pretty big, don't you?" Gan Ning asked. The way he walked made me want to rip his legs off; there was the cockiest spring in his step, like he owned the damn place or something. "I bet you're all bark and no bite."

I resisted the urge to glare at him as he lurked over me, his shadow falling over my lap. "You might want to watch what you say, hotshot. You're kind of short to be picking fights."

"Hey," he jerked his head back and curled his lip. I wanted to laugh. "You know I've won plenty of fights and started most of them. You wanna fight? Fine. Get up."

I rolled my eyes and looked back at the headstone. "I'm not in the mood to indulge in your idiotic pastimes. Go bother someone else."

I should have figured the infamous Gan Ning wouldn't stand for that. He tried to knock me over by shoving my shoulders, but I caught him by his upper arms, stopping him. Gan Ning's lip curled. I smirked.

"Problem, princess?" I asked.

He responded by spitting in my face.

A surge of rage flared up in my body, sparking from somewhere in my chest and igniting my limbs like wildfire. With something similar to adrenaline, I managed to get to my knees and shove him off, buying myself some time to stand and get some decent footing. Gan Ning growled as he charged at me. I kept my stance. And we were deadlocked, just like that; each of us applying as much pressure as we could to the other's shoulders. I wanted him to slip. I wanted him to crack his head open on my father's gravestone and die. That would be the happiest ending I could ever wish for.

Gan Ning was strong. Stronger than I thought he would be. I could feel my feet sliding back, even if only slightly. Like _hell_ if I was about to lose to this thick-headed moron. Without putting much thought into it, I let my grip on his shoulders slack just enough for him to gain a small advantage. Once the ex-pirate got to close, however, I cracked my skull against his. We both released our grip and staggered back from the impact, though I managed to recover quicker.

"Cheap shot!" Gan Ning hissed.

"Says the cheap-ass pirate," I countered.

He spat at my feet. "You're just as pathetic as your old man."

Unsurpassed rage gripped my heart like a sickness. I wanted to mutilate him. I wanted to beat his face past the point of recognition when they found his sorry corpse—if they even could once I was done with him. Ripping out each of his organs and forcing them all down his throat didn't sound like a bad idea, either.

I lunged at him. Reason and tactics were unfamiliar to me at the time; all I could see was Gan Ning, and all I wanted to do was end him. He laughed as I drew my arm back to punch him. Once I was close enough to throw it, he dodged it, grabbed my shoulders and slammed his forehead into mine. The force was astounding.

And then it was black.

* * *

**A/N: **Blah, poor ending... D; I really need to work on those, but I just wanted to get this started.

Well, how did it go? Not to badly, I hope? I wasn't sure if I should write this from Ling Tong's POV or if I should do third-person... Guess we'll just have to see if it works out?

Any reviews—any at all—would be nice and greatly appreciated!

Also, this was just a slightly-edited version of the last one. Chapter two's in progress and should be up shortly. :)


	2. c o m p l i c a t i o n s

**Word Count: **2,337 : **Notes: **I should probably mention there's some implied Ling Tong + Lu Xun in here... We'll just have to see where that goes ;D But this is still a Gan Ning+Ling Tong story, don't worry!

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c o m p l i c a t i o n s

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I didn't know how long I'd been out when I finally woke up. It was still dark when I opened my eyes, but that was hardly the first thing that registered.

The pain in my forehead—I couldn't even comprehend it. Everything around me spun and blurred like I was drunk out of my mind. I wished I was—at least then I wouldn't be able to feel the ungodly pain. My hands flew up to my forehead instinctively as if it would somehow help. Something dry and crusty met my fingertips. I groaned. The stupid bastard made me bleed.

"What, too much for the little fairy to handle?"

I really wished he would have died somehow. Gan Ning's voice was the _last_ thing I wanted to hear with the current pounding in my skull. My hands groped around me for a rock to throw at him.

"When did you wake up?" I asked, though hardly interested in the answer. Damn cemetery needed some damn rocks in it...

"Few minutes ago."

Propping myself up on my elbow—and watching the headstones sway around me as I did so—I looked over at the ex-pirate who was still lying on his back. I snorted. "Why didn't you get up yet? Could have kicked me while I was out cold."

"Back hurts. Didn't feel like it."

I gave a sarcastic laugh. "You're complaining about your _back_? Don't you have any feeling in your head anymore? Or is it too thick?"

"Oh, I feel it," Gan Ning said, tone bland; that pissed me off for some reason. "I've felt worse, though. Don't think I'm going to forget this—I'll get you back."

A smart-ass remark was on the tip of my tongue when the sound of footsteps in the distance reached my ears. They were light and hurried, followed by the faint rustling of cloth. Closing my eyes, I tried to think of who the footsteps belonged to. Light and hurried... Lu Xun, maybe?

"Ah—here you are!"

Cracking an eye open, I watched the stick-skinny strategist come running through the cemetery gates, pausing once he caught sight of us. A smile twitched the corner of my lips: I was right with my assumption.

Lu Xun's wide eyes darted back and forth over myself and the ex-pirate. Then, as though he'd figured it out—and he probably did—he rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You two should know better than to be out this late at night." He paused to look over in my direction. "Lord Lu Meng was looking for you, Ling Tong. Imagine his surprise when you were nowhere to be found."

Gan Ning snorted something of a laugh. "What, did you run out on the old man or something? You're a dramatic one, I'll give you that."

"As for _you_," Lu Xun went on, cutting off my opportunity to give a snide remark. "At least Master Ling Tong has somewhat of an excuse. Might I ask what it is you're doing out so late, Master Gan Ning?"

I sat up straight to give the said officer a smug glare. "Yeah, Master Gan Ning," I said with sweet sarcasm, "what business do you have out here?"

The ex-pirate scoffed as he got to his feet, dusting himself off. "I don't have to explain myself to either of you—_especially_ not you," he added, jabbing his finger in my direction. My lips curled into a cocky smile. "I'm outta here."

"Master Gan Ning," Lu Xun began, "your forehead—"

"Don't worry about it."

Lu Xun and I exchanged glances as the pirate stalked out of the cemetery; I was just glad to be rid of his presence.

"Are you all right?" Lu Xun asked as he extended a hand, his eyes glued to my forehead.

I nodded and took his hand, allowing him to pull me to my feet. "Yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled. Rolling my neck back in a circle, the sound of bones popping and cracking back into place made my lip curl: I was sore as _hell_. "Anyway, what did Lord Lu Meng want to see me about? Did he feel the need to lecture me more?"

The strategist blinked; the innocence of his expressions always astounded me. "Lecture? No, he just wanted to apologize... Did you two have another fight?"

'_Another_.' Part of me wanted to laugh at that. The other part of me hated the way it sounded and wanted to kill the source of the problem. Lu Meng and I typically got along...but that was before Gan Ning joined us. Apparently, I couldn't stop the look of disgust from showing on my face, as Lu Xun gave me an apologetic expression.

"At any rate," he said, hurriedly changing the subject—which I had no objection to, "you should get your wound checked out. Do you have any others?"

I rubbed my neck as I tried to remember the fight Gan Ning and I had earlier. "Nah, I don't think so."

"I know it's hard," Lu Xun piped up, momentarily lowering his gaze to the ground. I stood there watching the moonlight dance of his features, waiting for him to continue. Damn, he was pretty...and that was weird to think about another man. I coughed and shifted uncomfortably, thankful the kid wasn't smart enough to read minds. _That_ would be embarrassing.

"But," he finally said, snapping me out of my thoughts, "things would be better if you two learned to get along." When Lu Xun met my gaze, I could see his eyes smoldering with that usual intensity of his—the way he looked whenever he was bound and determined to get something done.

Half of me cracked and half of me burned with his statement and blind determination. It was so easy for him—and everyone else, for that matter—to judge the situation and tell me what to do. _They_ weren't the ones forced to work with the murderer of their father... And yet, the kid's words made sense. It was an obvious enough statement: if the ex-pirate and I could manage to get along enough to stop trying to kill each other for five minutes, things would be better for everyone else, too—not just us.

"You're right," I sighed, unconsciously scratching the beauty mark on the side of my face. "Of course you're right, though." Lu Xun smiled. "I...guess I'll give it a try. I'm not making any promises, though," I was quick to add.

Lu Xun's lips curled into a satisfied grin. "That's all I ask."

...What had I just gotten myself into?

* * *

The little strategist had insisted on seeing me up to the infirmary to get my wound checked out, despite my numerous protests that it was fine. But the kid always managed to get his way—was that just because he was young? I bet it was those puppy-eyes of his... How useful would _those_ be? No one—not even Lu Meng—could deny Lu Xun when those big brown pools of his got all glassy.

Regardless, he managed to get me up into the infirmary. It was completely empty, considering the late hour. I strolled over to one of the beds and ran the tips of my fingers over the sheets, recalling all the times I'd been taken out of the action because of a few reckless moves. There was this time—_man, _I was an idiot when I was younger—where I tried to ambush an entire enemy unit. I figured I was as good as dead, but then my father had stepped in...

"Is everything all right, Master Ling Tong?"

Lu Xun's voice quickly pulled me from my thoughts, and I was almost grateful; I didn't want to risk bursting into waterworks in front of the kid. I nodded awkwardly and cleared my throat. "Uh, yeah..."

"Please, have a seat," Lu Xun said. He motioned to the bed beside me as he unraveled a roll of bandage, his usual innocent smile perched on his lips.

"Lu Xun," I began, holding back a sigh, "you don't have to do all this. It's just a scrape—I'll be fine."

"Even the smallest injury can lead to disaster if overlooked," he replied, gazing thoughtfully at the bandages in his hands.

"Lu Xun—"

"Head injuries are serious, Master Ling Tong," the kid went on. He lifted his gaze to mine and _damn_ those puppy-eyes of his. "This will only be a minute. Please, take a seat."

I gave a defeated sigh and shrugged before plopping down on the edge of the bed. Lu Xun's smile suggested a hint of triumph at getting me to comply, but the thought swiftly left me as he went about his work. I was surprised by how gentle he was—though, considering how small and feminine his hands were, it shouldn't have been _that _much of a shock. Still, the way he brushed the stray strands of hair from my forehead gave me goosebumps. Wait—why _was_ that?

Instinctively, I shrank from his touch when his fingers grazed the open part of my wound. Lu Xun's gaze was apologetic as he stepped back.

"Hey—it didn't really hurt," I blurted, not wanting the kid to think he'd done something wrong—or that I was a big baby. "I'm just a little jumpy, I guess."

Lu Xun gave a patient smile as he walked back toward the many cupboards and cabinets of medicine. "I should clean it first, anyway. I'm sorry if I caused you any discomfort."

"Don't worry about it," I dismissed. Man, if only everyone was this considerate... Then again, I don't know if I could handle that.

The kid was back over with a small cloth in a matter of seconds. An overwhelmingly strong odor penetrated my senses as he lifted the rag to my face; only then did I realize I was smelling the disinfectant.

"Damn, they _still_ haven't figured out a way to make that smell better?" I grumbled, resisting the urge to cover my nose.

Lu Xun gave a soft chuckle. "No, I suppose not. This will sting for a moment." And before I could say anything else, he pressed the cloth to my wound. That shit _stung_. "I'm sorry," the kid went on, obviously noticing the weird expression on my face (when had I lost the ability to hide what I was feeling, anyway?).

"Don't worry about it," I said again. "I shouldn't be making you do this in the first place."

"But you aren't," Lu Xun said innocently. "Remember? I was the one who insisted."

"Yeah, well..." I mumbled, suddenly very aware of how close his face had gotten to my own. The moonlight that poured in through the windows glinted in his rich brown eyes... He was really pretty, for a guy.

Wait...

What the hell?

What the _DAMN_ hell?

The infirmary door opening caused both of us to look to the intruder—I was just thankful I didn't have to look the kid in the face right after thinking _that_. However, what my eyes fell upon wasn't exactly pleasing.

"What the hell's going on in here?" Gan Ning demanded. I could tell by his steps that he was angry, but because of what?

"Master Gan Ning," Lu Xun said, his voice only hinting on surprised. "I'm just tending to Master Ling Tong's wound..."

"Princess can take care of himself," the ex-pirate growled. "Or is he too much of a baby to touch his own blood?"

"Shove it," I grumbled, reaching up to press the cloth—and Lu Xun's hand—to my forehead. The sting of the disinfectant made my lips twitch, but I did my best to ignore it. I thought the vein bulging from Gan Ning's neck would burst from the way he suddenly clenched his jaw. Just what the hell was his deal, anyway? "Lu Xun's just being courteous," I continued, "something _you_ should really look into."

Gan Ning scoffed as he began to rummage through the cupboards. Something about the way he did it so clumsily and noisily pissed me off. "That so, huh?"

"Just what are you in here for, anyway?" I asked, ignoring the acidity to my tone. "Do you get a kick out of pissing people off, or is that just a natural reaction you get due to your hideous personality?"

"Master Ling Tong—" Lu Xun was cut off just as quickly as he cut in.

"You still running that mouth of yours, princess?" Gan Ning spat. He strode over to the bed in quick, angry steps; I couldn't help but smirk. Lu Xun, on the other hand, shrunk back ever so slightly as he approached and _that_ pissed me off.

"Get out of here," I growled through clenched teeth. Man, this guy was _really_ getting on my nerves. Sliding off the bed, I lowered Lu Xun's hand from my forehead, unconsciously gripping it tighter as I stared the ex-pirate in the eyes. "Grab whatever you came in here for and beat it. I'm—" I stopped, remembering the promise I made to the little strategist beside me. "I'm not going to tolerate your behavior," I said, attempting to maintain a calm tone—which didn't work too well.

Gan Ning tilted his head back and sneered. "Like I need your approval or tolerance of anything." He glared at my hand—which was still holding Lu Xun's—before casting me a dark look. "Fuck this," he grumbled, stalking out of the room.

"Master Gan Ning!" Lu Xun called. "Your wound—"

I got the weirdest sensation of deja vu as the ex-pirate snapped over his shoulder: "Don't worry about it." And with a loud slam of the door, Gan Ning left our presence.

"Good riddance," I mumbled under my breath.

"Master Ling Tong?" Lu Xun said—squeaked, more like it.

I glanced down at him and cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"You're...hurting my hand."

"Ah," I said, quickly letting it go. "Uh... S-sorry about that."

* * *

Hopefully this chapter wasn't too bad (and that it didn't have too many errors: I'm so lazy...). I'm kind of in a creative slump right now...I'll try to make it up to you all in the next one, I promise! x_x; However, now it's time to thank my lovely reviewers!

**Red Queen of Spades**, **Nan Ma**, **Vovo**, **Chibi-bossman**, **CarmenMCS**, **Megumi Kei**, **Renuki**, and **Rebecca**, thank you all so very much! All of your reviews were so very sweet and helpful—I really, truly appreciate them all. I hope I didn't stray from the characters' personalities too much here (other than Lu Xun's; I know his is pretty off, but it works with my story this way? I'm sorry if it bothers anyone!)

To answer your questions: _Yes_, I will be continuing this. There's so much to cover still! Be prepared for at least 10 (or maybe more?) chapters to come!


	3. t r a i n i n g

**Word Count: **2,519

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t r a i n i n g

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Several days had passed since my little fight with Gan Ning. I managed to avoid him pretty easily, and I got the feeling he was avoiding me, too. Not like I cared or anything—it just made it easier for me. However, I couldn't help but feel a little awkward whenever I was around Lu Xun. The fact I'd thought he was "pretty" still haunted me, and I was halfway convinced he could read my mind by the casual glances and Cheshire smiles he gave me. Or, maybe I was just really paranoid. Needless to to say, I was a little weirded out.

I thought things were finally starting to go back to normal—or as normal as they could, anyway—when Lu Meng threw out his latest training idea. A mock battle sounded pretty good, since I was itching to stretch my limbs, until he told us how the sides were split.

"_What_?" I spat, a stupefied look befalling my face. "Gan Ning and I are on the same team? You've got to be kidding me!"

"You think I'm happy about this?" Gan Ning countered from somewhere to my left. I didn't look at him—didn't want to see his stupid face. "I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the idea of you slowing me down."

I decided to let that one go, not that it didn't make my skin bristle. "Lord Lu Meng, please reconsider—"

"There will be no changes to the teams," the elder officer said, his tone firm. I almost flinched. "you two need to learn to work together eventually and there's no time like the present."

"It won't be so bad," Ding Feng offered, clasping my shoulder in his large hand.

I scoffed. "You say that because you get the chance to beat the snot out of him..."

"Try not to worry about it too much, Master Ling Tong." The twiggy strategist's voice startled me, especially since I made sure no not stand anywhere near him. Sure enough, though, he was right next to me. When did he get there, anyway?

I smiled, brushing Ding Feng's hand off my shoulder. "Guess I won't, considering you're on the other team. The battle will be over in a matter of seconds."

Something similar to a blush came across Lu Xun's cheeks. "We will just have to see, I suppose."

* * *

It was supposed to be a four-on-four battle. Each side was given two bases to defend, including a 'main camp.' Teams also had to elect 'commanders,' which—if they lost—meant the entire team lost (like a real battle, I guess...). However, _my_ team had some problems with picking one...

Being stuck with Gan Ning was bad enough, but then I got landed with Xiao Qiao, too. I don't even know why the little brat was participating—probably just so she could brag about it to Zhou Yu later. At least I had Taishi Ci to keep me sane.

"I want to be leader~" Xiao Qiao sing-songed. Just how was she always so energetic? Better yet, how did Zhou Yu put up with it all the time?

Gan Ning snorted. "And just why should we let _you_ be commander? You're the scrawniest one here."

Xiao Qiao pursed her lips. "I least I have more common sense than _you_! And you smell bad."

I couldn't help but laugh. "She's right...on both accounts."

"Shut it, princess," the pirate snapped. I flashed a grin. "I bet you want to be leader then, huh?"

"Actually," I began, "I think Taishi Ci would be the best choice." I jerked my thumb over in his direction.

Taishi Ci looked up from polishing his weapon. "Huh?"

"But _I_ wanted to be leader," Xiao Qiao grumbled, her lips now pursed into a pout. "Besides, I'm prettier."

My eyebrow twitched. "That...doesn't really matter right now, Xiao Qiao..."

"Guess I'll change my vote to Taishi Ci, then," Gan Ning said. "Not that I think you actually had a good idea for once," he quickly added, jabbing his finger in my face, "but because I'd rather have _him_ in charge than you."

"I already told you," I said, my patience starting to run thin, "I didn't want to be commander in the first place."

"Well, good. You don't have any leaderships skills, anyway, princess. Can't even touch your own blood."

"You're _still_ going on about that?" I gave a bitter chuckle. It was _so _tempting to just slam my fist in that smug, ugly little face of his... "I already told you—"

"_Ahem_," Taishi Ci cleared his throat. "I think we should get going. The other team's probably mobilized already and we're still deciding on a commander."

Gan Ning rolled his shoulders and neck, cracking both. I wondered if he always had to be so repulsive. "We picked you, remember? So I'm gonna go out there and win this."

"We should plan some sort of strategy, first," I said—I don't even know why I bothered, though: talking to Gan Ning was like talking to a brick wall. And even then, the brick wall was more enjoyable to converse with. "Lu Xun's on the other side."

"Why don't you just go make out with him?" The pirate shot over his shoulder, casting me an acidic glare. "That'll probably distract the kid."

My face burned with a mix of rage and embarrassment. I could almost feel Taishi Ci and Xiao Qiao's questioning gazes crawling over my skin. "J-just what the hell do you—?"

"See ya."

"Bastard!" I shouted as I reached for my nunchaku. There was no way in _hell_ he was getting away with this. "Come back here, you little shit!" But the stupid prick was already out of the base gates and running. My chest seethed with unhindered animosity. I was going to get him _so_bad for this later...

"Um..."

Xiao Qiao's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I had almost forgotten there had been witnesses to our little fight... She—and Taishi Ci—looked completely confused. And I swear, there was a hint of hopefulness in Qiao's voice when she spoke next.

"You and Lu Xun...?"

"Nothing," I quickly blurted. "I honestly don't know what he's talking about."

"So, then..."

"Nothing!" I said again, regretting the crack in my voice. Never before had I wanted to sink into the ground so badly and just disappear. "Can we just make some sort of plan?" _I don't really want to be around you two right now..._

* * *

Of course, leave it to a pirate to be nowhere to be found when you actually _need_ him. Not that I personally needed him—I just had to check where he was so he wouldn't screw up our plan.

_Stupid bastard_, I cursed as I trudged through a shallow river. _Running off before he could even hear the strategy... I'll give him a good crack in the head when I find him._

The terrain was familiar, as it was an area of Wu that soldiers regularly trained on. I couldn't help but wonder why Lu Meng picked such a well-known area. Not like we usually know the lay of the land in a real battle against an enemy...

As the land began to slope, I could feel myself starting to sweat. The afternoon sun didn't really help, either. Was I making good time? Without a horse, it felt like it was taking forever to get to the first enemy base.

_I bet the idiot's already been captured, _I mused, savoring the mental image of Gan Ning tied up hostage. _Wait..._why_ exactly did my thoughts drift back to him?_

Taishi Ci was currently back guarding the main camp and Xiao Qiao was guarding the other base, so it was only natural for my thoughts to wander to the member unaccounted for, right?

...Right?

_Now that I think about it...who thought it was a good idea to leave Xiao Qiao in charge of defense? If anything, she's feisty enough to take a base by herself...but defending?_

_ We're screwed._

I sighed. Where was the damn base? I should have hit it by now...or did I go the wrong way? Sighing once again, I closed my eyes and listened in on my surroundings. Maybe if I was lucky, I could hear sounds coming from the enemy camp.

…

Bells?

What went with bells...?

_Gan Ning!_

Without a second thought, I bolted toward where I thought the sound had come from. I wasn't about to miss my chance to sneak up on the bastard get him. My feet tore through the tall grass, still climbing up the ever-growing incline.

_That's right...one of the bases was next to a cliff. I could use this to ambush them! That is, unless Gan Ning's already ruined things._

My pace quickened as more sounds reached my ears. There was fighting—steel-on-steel—coming up ahead. And...a loud crash? Was the idiot actually getting his ass kicked? Same team or not, _this_ I had to see.

As I finally reached the top of the incline, my eyes fell on a sight that brought a smile to my face: Huang Gai was beating Gan Ning.

Bad.

_Is he just taking it easy on the old man?_ I wondered, hunkering down enough so as not to be seen. _Or does he really suck this much? I didn't think he was _this _bad._

As Huang Gai swung his club—which looked more like an anchor, if you asked me—Gan Ning _darted underneath_? What the hell! The club came down just inches away from where the pirate's head once was (and I couldn't help but wonder how beautiful the sight would have been to see him crushed like the insect he is). Gan Ning rolled to his feet, unphased, and actually started to push Huang Gai back.

_Huh... So maybe he doesn't suck so much after all._

And then Huang Gai had him on the retreat.

_He has to be holding back_, I told myself, watching the blond-haired rat dance out of the club's path again. _Someone this incompetent could never have beaten my father. What's he doing, anyway?_

I groaned a sigh and rubbed the back of my neck, realizing I probably had to save the moron before he got what little brains he had knocked out of him. Not that I cared about his well being or anything—I just didn't want to lose.

That, and how could I _ever_ pass up the chance to humiliate Gan Ning?

"Need some help, Master Gan Ning?" I called as I ran over, making sure to use the sweetest, most sickening voice I could muster. The pirate cast me a dirty look; a smirk curled my lips.

"Get lost!" Gan Ning growled.

"Not likely," I said as I took up a fighting stance next to him. "I don't particularly care if anything happens to you, but I'm kind of competitive, so I don't like to lose."

Huang Gai laughed. "Ha! Now things are really getting fun! Let's see if you kids have what it takes to beat a war-hardened veteran." As soon as the words left his mouth, he swung his limb-removing club at us. Gan Ning rolled to the side and I jumped back, wondering just how the hell I was supposed to defend myself from a club with my nunchaku.

_Light and easy to carry around, but not so great when it comes to defense..._

"We figured you kids would try an attack from the cliff," Huang Gai informed us through his barrage of attacks, "so Lu Xun sent me here to keep watch. And am I glad he did! These old bones of mine don't get enough use these days."

"Less talking, more fighting," Gan Ning said. He swung his sickle and chain around him a few times before aiming for Huang Gai's feet.

_Cheap shot._

Of course, Huang Gai wasn't going to fall for something like that. He jumped out of the way and swung his club at _me_. Startled, I stumbled out of the way just in time, narrowly missing getting a hook to my face. Getting back to my feet, I twirled my nunchaku around once or twice to loosen up, trying to find my usual rhythm. But something felt off today...

_"Why don't you just go make out with him? That'll probably distract the kid."_

Damn it, just _why_ did that bother me so much? And why was I thinking about it at a time like this?

Shaking my head, I tried to pull myself back to the situation at hand. I don't know how I managed to miss it, but Gan Ning got a good scrape in the arm from the end of Huang Gai's club. Blood poured over his tattoos as he staggered behind me, clutching his fresh wound with his free hand.

_Looks like I'm not the only one feeling a little out of it._

"Doing alright there, _princess_?" I asked, using the stupid nickname he'd given me against him. "You're not doing so hot today."

"Shut it," the pirate hissed. "You're not exactly setting the world on fire right now yourself."

That last bit got under my skin. Like hell if I was going to allow this pirate show me up—and in a half-assed way, too. Twirling my nunchaku once more for good measure, I decided to take the fight into my own hands. I darted out of the club's path as I charged right for Huang Gai, knowing that the weight of his weapon meant the time between attacks was longer. I figured it was rude to hit my elder in the face, but I still went for the shot—half hoping he would just dodge it. My nunchaku grazed the side of his face, drawing the slightest amount of blood.

"Not bad!" Huang Gai laughed, swinging his massive club at me once more. "Let's see if you can do it again, though!"

Out of the blue, Gan Ning's sickle suddenly appeared and clashed with the metal of Huang Gai's club. However, the stupid blade tilted just right so the sun glared directly into my eyes, momentarily blinding me.

"Dammit," I hissed, moving to cover my eyes, even though the damage had been done. Before I could so much as move, the wind was knocked out of my lungs as my body met with the full force of Huang Gai's anchor-like club, tossing me into the wind like a rag doll.

The feeling of weightless nothingness made my stomach lurch—or maybe that was because I broke something. Or several sometimes. I couldn't tell where I was: all I knew was that I was flying back, _fast_. Guess the old guy's muscles weren't just for show after all.

Disorientation quickly settled in, however, and I completely lost myself. Something hard hit my back, wrapped around my ribs and squeezed them—and _gods_, it hurt! All I was certain of was the pain radiating from my entire body as the flying-back feeling changed to a _falling-down_ one.

I realized I'd just been knocked off the cliff, all thanks to Gan Ning.

* * *

**A/N: **Aiya! Shoddy ending is shoddy ;~; I've just had the worst writer's block lately...and, honestly, I don't much feel like writing anymore ._. Hopefully that clears up for the next chapter! D; I really hope this wasn't too bad...

Oh! I'd like to clarify that I didn't really mean to bash Xiao Qiao here. I actually really like her, so I'm sorry if I offended anyone by what I said here. ;o;

As always, many thanks are in order! **Megumi Kei**, **Vyrilien**, **Niouyuki**, **Vovo**, and **Nan Ma**, thank you all so very much for taking the time to leave some feedback! I'm glad none of you think Lu Xun will be too much of a bother to the story! I don't really know what's going on with him yet...haha...

If you guys have any questions or requests, I'll see what I can do to answer them! :)

Also, the next chapter's already done. I'll post it once I get a little more feedback on this one.

Thanks for reading!


	4. h o n e s t y

**Word Count: **2,287; **Note: **Speedy update is speedy~ :3

* * *

h o n e s t y

* * *

The falling-down feeling was much, _much _worse than the flying-back one. It seemed endless—the plummet to the ground of the base below—and whatever it was that clung to my ribs was seriously starting to hurt. However, the pain was the only thing that I was aware of: it was the only constant other than the creepy rush of falling.

Something like the cracking of wood reached my ears just before I realized I'd fallen through a roof of some sort—but why didn't I feel it? What the hell was on my back, anyway? Someone grunted in pain. Me? But I didn't…

And then for the second time that day, the wind was knocked clean out of my lungs as I—and whatever was behind me—slammed into the ground. I had no idea what I landed on—a bunch of hard round things that kept jingling—but it dug into my back and hurt like_ hell_. Whatever had been wrapped around my waist finally let go as a long, drawn out groan filled the air.

It was then I figured out I was laying on a _someone_, not a _something_.

A someone who had caused this problem in the first place.

"_Fuck_," Gan Ning's voice was ragged and dry. He sounded farther away than he should have. A pair of hands pressed against my shoulders, shoving me off and onto the debris that fell behind us. "Damn it, move! Crushing me…" He wheezed.

"The hell…did you…?" I panted, still trying to get my bearings. We were in some sort of little—thankfully _empty—_supply shed. It was dark, other than the skylight that had just been added. Panicked voices came from somewhere outside as the door flew open.

"Master Ling Tong! Master Gan Ning!"

Of course, it just _had_ to be Lu Xun…

I rolled onto my side, propping myself up on my arm—and I instantly regretted it. A sharp, gut-wrenching pain shot up from my elbow and I yelped in pain, quickly rolling onto my back. Everything ached at once, some places more than others. But my _back_…

"Master Ling Tong!" Lu Xun said again, appearing at my side. His face hovered overhead, shadowed with worry. "Please, try not to move around too much."

"Is princess…broken, even after—" Gan Ning coughed, "—all that trouble I went to?" He gave a breathless laugh. "Wimp…"

"Shut it," I grumbled, my fingers wrapping around a loose piece of wood. I chucked it over where his voice had come from and smiled when I heard his grunt of surprised pain. Success.

Lu Xun sighed. "Even when you're both injured, you still have the energy to fight…"

* * *

After successfully being humiliated by both Lu Xun and Huang Gai (I don't even know why _he_ got to lecture us, considering he was the reason—or _one_ of the reasons—we were knocked off the cliff, anyway), the blond-haired rat and I were carried to the infirmary back at Wu castle. Even though I was laying on a stretcher when I was brought in—despite my countless protests that my legs were fine and I could _walk—_I could see the look of shame on Lu Meng's face. Did he actually think we did this to each other?

The doctors in the infirmary did a long, painful examination of the both of us. I was "lucky" enough to have been struck from the side, having "only" broken my left arm. I could see why they thought it was lucky—better a broken arm than bruised or broken ribs—but it still hurt like _hell_, since both the upper and lower part of my arm had been damaged. I'd also managed to receive several perfectly round bruises on my back, all thanks to a certain pirate's bells. Besides that, I was just nicked up with cuts and scrapes: nothing too bad.

Having been in the bed next to him, I couldn't help but overhear Gan Ning's diagnosis (and why they put a curtain in between us didn't really make much sense, considering it didn't block out any sound at all). His spine had been seriously injured but as to what extent, the doctor's didn't know. It was certain, however, that he'd need physical therapy. Some strange twinge pulled in my chest as I eavesdropped the news. Did I actually feel _bad _for him?

_He deserves it, the little prick,_ I told myself. _He's the reason all this happened in the first place. If he hadn't blinded me with his stupid weapon… And it's not like I told him to throw himself in the way._

Still, I had to admit my injuries would've been much worse if Gan Ning hadn't broken my fall. How exactly he managed to get behind me in time was still a mystery, though.

"Lord Ling Tong?"

I blinked. One of the nurses had stepped over to my bed. "Uh, yeah?"

"Lord Lu Meng is here to see you. Shall I send him in now?"

"Sure," I nodded. Not that I wanted another lecture, but I figured now was as good a time as any to clear up what had happened.

The nurse bowed and left. A few moments later, the scruffy-faced strategist was seating himself beside my bed. He smiled, looking almost relieved for a second—until it changed to the same stubborn, displeased grimace I'd seen so many times. Lu Meng cleared his throat. I waited for him to talk.

"I'm glad to see you're both alright," he started. "How are you feeling?"

"As fine as possible, considering what happened," I replied plainly. "My back hurts and I can't use my left arm, but other than that, fine."

A snort came from the other side of the curtain. "You think _your_ back hurts, princess?"

I rolled my eyes and withheld an annoyed sigh. Lu Meng cut me off before I could give a snide remark. "Would you mind telling me what happened, Ling Tong?"

"Sure," I said. I briefly explained the situation, telling him how I'd moved to help Gan Ning fight Huang Gai (to this Gan Ning added, "I wasn't losing _that_ bad" and Lu Meng just gave a tired laugh). When I got to where the pirate blinded me with his sickle, however, Gan Ning yanked back the curtain and glared.

"That's not how it happened, you brat!" He snapped. I glared back at him.

"Gan Ning, you shouldn't be moving around like that with your injuries," Lu Meng scolded. "You're not supposed to move unless you want to make things worse."

The pirate grumbled something under his breath but said nothing.

"Anyway," I went on, trying not to show how annoyed I was, "I was blinded from the reflection of the sun on Gan Ning's sickle and was hit by Huang Gai's club. Next thing I know, Gan Ning's pushing me onto a pile of debris after we fall through the roof of a shed."

"Huh," Lu Meng grunted. "At least you didn't do this to each other." He stroked his beard the way he usually did when lost in thought. "Well, I'll be going now. You two should get some rest."

I nodded, suddenly very aware of how tired I was. "Good idea."

"And you," Lu Meng added, looking over at Gan Ning, "don't move around, got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the pirate mumbled as he waved a dismissive hand. I couldn't help but notice just how many bandages he was wrapped in. "Go on, old man. I'll behave."

Lu Meng said something about insolent pirates under his breath as he left. It was only after his footsteps disappeared that I realized I was alone in the infirmary with Gan Ning.

_Why me…_

"So, fairy princess," the blond prick said. I glanced over, grimacing at the cocky grin plastered to his face.

I couldn't help but sigh. "What now?"

"Don't you have something to say to me?"

I blinked. "What?"

"Come on, don't be shy now, princess," Gan Ning went on. I really wanted to claw that smirk off his lips. "Go ahead and say it."

"Say _what_?"

Gan Ning shifted on his bed, obviously wanting to sit up straight. I could tell by the slight twitches on his face that the movement caused him a lot of pain. "You serious right now? And I thought they said you were smart."

My eyes narrowed at the comment. "Yeah? No one asked you. Now if you'll keep your mouth shut for more than five seconds, I'd like to get some sleep."

"Hmph," he grunted, finally turning that ugly mug of his away from me.

I desperately wanted to roll onto my side so I wouldn't have to wake up facing him, but that just happened to be my _left _side—the one with the shot arm. Heaving a defeated sigh, I tried to find a comfortable way to lay on my back. How do people actually manage _sleep_ like this? Lucky for me, though, it didn't take long for my eyelids to start drooping. Whether from the medicine or physical exhaustion, I wasn't sure. I was just grateful I wouldn't have to see Gan Ning's face for a couple of hours.

* * *

He was talking.

_Loudly_.

Gan Ning's voice was the very last thing I wanted to wake up to—ever. And just _why_ was it so damn loud? And...messy?

Lifting a hand to my face, I rubbed my eyes as I slowly began to wake up. I was sleeping so soundly, too, until the big-mouthed moron next to me had to start talking at the top of his lungs. His voice was like a knife, adding to the throbbing headache that was just starting to form in my skull.

"Damn it, Gan Ning," I growled, throwing a malicious glare in his direction. "What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm trying to sleep!"

My eyes quickly drew in the picture in front of me. Gan Ning was in bed, surrounded by several empty liquor bottles with another in his hand. His face was flushed, and he had that contended smile most people get when they're completely blasted.

Gan Ning was drunk.

_That explains the loud voice and slurred speech…_

"D'aw, did I wake the sleeping beauty?" The pirate laughed. My eardrums screamed. "So s'rry."

"Who gave that to you?" I asked, forcing myself to sit up.

Gan Ning's head swayed. "Gave—what?"

"The booze, you moron."

"Ah, my faithful whore," he said in a tone far too loving to be normal as he lifted the bottle and pressed it to the side of his face. "You know medicine doesn't work fer shit. I needed some real—" hiccup "—pain killer."

I rolled my eyes. "_Who_ gave it to you?"

The pirate blinked. I almost laughed at the utterly confused look that befell his face. "I…don't remember."

"Great." I sighed, flopping back onto the bed—and instantly regretting the force of which I did so. Pain burned along the length of my spine; I bit my lower lip.

"Hey," Gan Ning said. Slurred. "I'm gonna be honest with you, Tongy boy…"

_ Tongy_ _boy? For the love of—_

"I mean, we both fight for Wu and e'rything now. And you kinda owe me for saving your lanky ass…"

I opened my mouth to reject his statement but stopped, realizing it was an even bigger waste of time to try and reason with a drunk Gan Ning than a sober one. Instead, I rolled my head to the side to watch the plastered pirate give his little speech.

"That face of yers," he said, pointing a finger in my general direction (though it was more aimed at the wall behind me), "I hate it. But it's kinda beautiful."

I choked—_convulsed _was more like it. My pulse quickened. "_What_?"

Gan Ning moved his finger in the air as though he were tracing some unseen pattern—or trying to write something. His lips were curled into more of a frown now.

_Oh great, he's moving into the Philosophical Drunk phase._

"I hate the way you walk, too," he went on. "Fuckin' hips of yours… Always swingin' em around 'n shit."

_My…hips?_

I could hardly believe my ears. I was dreaming—this _had_ to be a sick dream. There was no way in hell Gan Ning was saying this to me now, drunk or not.

"But it's sexy."

I wished he'd stop talking.

"But I hate it."

If I was a rabbit, I'm sure my heart would have exploded at this point, it was beating so fast. I didn't even want to begin to think about why that was.

"I'm not gonna lie, Tongy boy," Gan Ning continued on his little speech. "With your stupid hip swingin' and that damn face of yours—that fuckin' mole, too—I just wanna fuck you."

Oh, merciful heaven, no…

"I just wanna grab those damn hips—" he was using his hands now (and I _seriously _wished he wasn't), squeezing the air in front of him like it was supposed to be _me_, "and fuck you 'til your pretty little throat's raw from screamin' my name."

"Please, _stop_," I groaned, covering my face with my free hand. I couldn't hear another word of it—not another damn second. My heart was racing, my cheeks were hot, and—oh god—_why_ was there a twinge in my groin?

Something Lu Meng once told me came to mind: _"Ling Tong, there are only two types of honest people in this world: small children and drunks._" And for the first time in my life, I honestly wanted what Lu Meng told me to be wrong.

Completely, utterly, irrevocably wrong.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh~~that Gan Ning… ;D

I hope this chapter wasn't as bad as the last one (or worse, for that matter). I think I'm slowly starting to come out of my creative slump…

As always, I want to thank my reviewers: **DesolatePassion**, **Megumi Kei**, and **Niouyuki**. It means so much to me that you all keep writing back chapter after chapter, and that you always leave such nice feedback for me ^_^;

Chapter 5 is already underway, so it should be up soon! Thanks for reading!


	5. j e a l o u s y

**Word Count: **2,289

* * *

j e a l o u s y

* * *

Gan Ning didn't remember a thing he said to me.

When he finally woke up that morning, he looked just as confused as he had last night when I asked who gave him the booze. Those stupid brown eyes locked onto me as his lips quirked into a grin. My stomach lurched.

"How're you feeling today, princess?"

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Just fine. And you? How's that hangover of yours?"

"Hangover?" Gan Ning blinked, that grin of his momentarily failing. "Hah! You think I'm some lightweight like you? I'm immune to hangovers, kid. I feel great."

My fingers fidgeted with the bandages on my arm as I contemplated asking the question that was on my mind, ignoring his _lightweight_ comment. "Hey, Gan Ning…"

He hummed in response.

"Do you…" I hesitated, feeling my pulse quicken. What the hell was up with that lately? "Uh, do you remember exactly…what you said last night?"

Gan Ning gave a look similar to thoughtful, but once again, I figured he was incapable of such a thing as actually _thinking_. "Nah, not really."

His flippant answer really pissed me off. I repositioned myself so I was sitting up straight. "Nothing?"

"Nope."

"Not a damn thing?"

He shook his head. "Not a single word." The pirate snickered, his lips curling up into a smug smile. "What, did I say something that interested you?"

My face flushed as I quickly looked away. "Hardly."

"Yeah," Gan Ning grunted—I assumed he was stretching. "I don't remember shit after I drink that much. Hope I didn't say something embarrassing." He laughed.

_If only he knew… Is there any possible way I can blackmail him with this?_

…Probably not.

"Anyway," he went on. I finally willed myself to look back at him. "Sounds like you're getting moved back to your room today." He started to absentmindedly trace his fingers along the bandages on his chest.

My heart swelled at the news—I'd get to _leave_? No more being stuck with Gan Ning all day? A smile overtook my lips, though I wondered how he found this out before I did.

"I'll be bored now with no one to harass," the pirate said.

"You'll be fine," I replied. My mood had done a complete 180; I wasn't about to let him bring it back down.

_"Why don't you just go make out with him? That'll probably distract the kid."_

My pulse faltered. Why did that thought keep nagging at my mind so much? I didn't really care what Gan Ning thought, did I?

I…didn't, right?

_No way in hell_, I told myself. _I'm just dwelling on it too much, that's all._

Then again, considering what he said to me last night and the way he's reacted whenever Lu Xun's brought up… Is he…_jealous_? Gan Ning jealous of Lu Xun?

Oh dear gods, no.

Because that would imply…

"Ah, you're both up!"

I nearly sighed in relief as Lu Meng's figure appeared in the doorway, followed by an armor-less Taishi Ci. I quirked an eyebrow as the two made their way over to my bed, Lu Meng casting an accusative stare in Gan Ning's direction.

"What?" The pirate said, nonchalant.

"You drank more than I thought you would," Lu Meng stroked his chin.

I sputtered. "_You_ gave him all that liquor?"

The strategist nodded. "A pirate needs his medicine."

_"I just wanna grab those damn hips—and fuck you 'til your pretty little throat's raw from screamin' my name."_

A shiver ran up my spine. So I had Lu Meng to thank for that creepy, drunk confession last night…

"What are you two doing here?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"We're here to help you back to your room," Lu Meng replied. He motioned over to the officer beside him. "I brought Taishi Ci with me to carry you. I'm not as young as I used to be, as I'm constantly reminded," he paused to shoot a glare at Gan Ning. The pirate chuckled. "Anyway, the doctors said your injuries weren't bad enough to keep you stuck in the infirmary."

"That's good to hear." I smiled, though the idea of being carried back to my room by Taishi Ci wasn't exactly thrilling.

Lu Meng nodded. "Right. Taishi Ci, help me get him off the bed."

"Right."

"Uh," I said as I swung my legs over the side of the bed. "I can get up myself. I'm not an invalid."

"Just use me for support, then," Taishi Ci offered. He knelt down slightly so he was more at my level. "Even if you feel well, your balance could still be off. We don't want to risk worsening your condition."

"Yeah, princess," Gan Ning called from behind me. "Don't wanna overwork that pretty little figure of yours."

Had it been any other time, I would've been irritated by the comment. But after last night's events…I wasn't sure how to interpret it. Sighing—and swallowing my pride—I loosely wrapped my arm around Taishi Ci's neck. He snaked his arm around my back, resting his hand on my hip.

_"I just wanna grab those damn hips—"_

My face flushed yet again as I forced myself to forget the rest of that sentence. With tenderness I didn't think he really had, Taishi Ci pulled me right up against his side. I was surprised by how warm his body was—and suddenly very aware of the pair of eyes boring into the back of my head. A smile quirked my lips.

Gan Ning was jealous again.

Now that I knew how to really piss him off, I decided to play into it a little. I quickly bent my knee—pretending it had gone out—and grabbed onto Taishi Ci's chest.

"Whoa there," he said, helping me back up. "Don't push yourself too much."

As we turned to head for the door, I chanced a look back at Gan Ning. I had to fight back a smile as his expression came into view.

Oh, he was _so_ jealous.

The vein in his neck bulged the same way it had back in the infirmary the other day; his eyes were locked on Taishi Ci's hand, which was still gripping my hip. He looked as though he was ready to lunge out of bed and rip Taishi Ci's limbs off.

_Looks like I can use his confession as some sort of blackmail after all._

* * *

Once Taishi Ci and Lu Meng had escorted me to my room—and after the nurses had finished replacing my bandages—I finally had some time to myself. Time that wouldn't be interrupted by a certain blond-haired prick.

I sprawled out in the center of my bed, my left arm still bandaged and useless. The fresh sheets felt like heaven compared the scratchy linens in the infirmary. I guess I never realized how much Lord Sun Quan spoiled me; my room was like paradise.

It was amazing, finally having a little breathing room and time to digest everything that had happened the past few days. My head already ached at the mere thought of trying to figure it all out, though.

So, Gan Ning seemed to have a…_thing_ for me. It was probably just lust—he never said anything the other night to make it sound otherwise.

_He said he thought I was beautiful_, which still made me feel awkward, _and that he wanted to…'fuck' me._

It was then I realized just how much I hated that word. "Fuck." I shivered.

_He thinks I'm…sexy…and just wants to sleep with me. That's it._

…And there was _nothing_ weird about that at all.

_Which means he doesn't love me._

Something twitched uncomfortably in my chest. I smacked my forehead with my free hand, thought about the twinge some more, and proceeded to hit my palm against my head several more times after that.

_Like hell if I care whether the bastard loves me or not. He's my father's _murderer_. It's not like _I _actually like him or anything…_

A long, baffled sigh escaped my dried lips. "Damn it…"

And the deal with Lu Xun? I honestly had no idea what was going on with that. Sure, I guess I thought he was _pretty_ and all, but…I didn't feel anything for him, did I?

_He's just a nice kid who happens to have a nice face, _I told myself. _It's only natural people would be drawn to him because of that. I bet it's those damn puppy-eyes of his, too…_

After beating myself to death about both problems for a good hour, I decided to let it go—or at least try to. Nothing was going to be resolved at the time being, anyway. And the pounding in my head had only succeeded in getting much, much more bothersome.

I wasn't about to let Gan Ning deprive me of sleep, especially when he wasn't even around.

* * *

I don't know what woke me up—or why I didn't just roll over and wait to doze off again, for that matter—but I was awake, nonetheless.

Using my good hand to prop myself up, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the light of the room. Who opened the curtains? Or didn't anyone close them to begin with? I figured it was morning, judging by the amount of sunlight that poured through the windows. Something dark caught my eye—a figure? Someone else was in my room.

"Ahem," I cleared my throat, hoping whoever it was would explain themselves. For a moment, I thought it was Lu Meng, but the person's frame was too slender.

"Oh," the stranger spun on his heels.

_Dammit, of all the people it could've been... _Why_ does it have to be Lu Xun?_

The skinny little strategist casually made his way over to my bed, his thin lips curled into a soft smile. "Did I wake you, Master Ling Tong?"

"Nah," I said, finding it hard to meet his gaze. "I just woke up, I guess."

"I came in to check on you," Lu Xun continued, answering the question that was on the tip of my tongue. "I thought you could use some company."

My heart thundered in my chest as he seated himself on the edge of my bed. "Lu Xun…"

"You're really very lucky to be alive, Master Ling Tong," the kid said. His expression softened as a faraway look glazed his eyes. "Had you fallen just a few feet back…you would have landed on several upright spears."

I flinched as the idea of being impaled like that floated across my mind.

"So," I began, "you're saying…Gan Ning really did save my life then, huh?" I hardly wanted to admit it to myself, let alone be reaffirmed by Lu Xun.

The strategist nodded. "His extra weight slowed you down so you landed in the shed. I'm very grateful to him for that."

I shifted as the blood rushed to my face. "Uh, yeah, well… Thanks. I think."

"Have you thanked him yet?"

I blinked.

Lu Xun gave an airy chuckle. "Master Ling Tong, I know you and Master Gan Ning don't see eye-to-eye."

_Well, that's _one _way of putting it._

"But you should really express your gratitude," he said. "If it wasn't for him—"

"I wouldn't have been knocked off the cliff in the first place," I interrupted. "In my opinion, we're even."

Lu Xun's smile faltered. I suddenly felt guilty. "Master Ling Tong…"

_Damn puppy-eyes of his…_

"All right, all right." I heaved a sigh. "I'll go thank him later, I guess."

The kid's eyes lit up; I couldn't help but smile back. "Thank you, Master Ling Tong."

"Hey, Lu Xun?"

"Yes?"

I began picking at the bandages on my arm, once again finding it difficult to meet his gaze. "Call me Gongji. You don't have to be so formal."

Lu Xun sputtered. I actually got the calm and composed strategist of Wu to stumble over his words—and without trying to. "I—I could never…"

"Lord Sun Quan calls me it," I went on, finally meeting his gaze. His tanned face carried a hint of a blush; my lips twitched with a hindered smile. "Come on, we're friends. Don't worry about it."

"Ah, right…" The fire in the kid's eyes suddenly went out.

_Maybe 'friends' wasn't the best choice…_

"Come on," I insisted, playfully hitting him in the arm with my good hand. I hated seeing him like this—especially since _I _was the one who took the wind out of his sails. "How about you call me that when we're by ourselves then, like right now? It'll be our little secret."

A flicker of hope passed over the kid's features, his smile slowly returning. "Are you certain?"

I nodded, moving my hand to ruffle his brown locks. I was surprised by just how soft they were. "Positive. So, try it out. Say it—Gongji."

The faint blush from earlier dominated the strategist cheeks as he averted his gaze. "Gongji…"

"Not so bad, huh?" I said, flashing him a reassuring smile.

_"Why don't you just go make out with him? That'll probably distract the kid."_

Of all the times…

I felt bad for leading Lu Xun on like this—or, was it _really_ leading him on? I mean…I don't know what's going on with me, but… Ah, hell. I just felt bad because I'd crushed his dreams with the word _friends_. But…I couldn't help but wonder if, maybe, I should have let them stay that way.

At any rate, I had a bigger problem on my hands now: saying 'thank you' to a certain obnoxious, big-mouthed, blond-haired pirate who was lusting after me.

…Why was my life such a joke?

And a bad one at that.

* * *

**A/N: **o_e; My chapters…keep getting worse… I'm so sorry! I honestly hope this one wasn't too bad. I was really nervous about putting this up (and I still am).

I'm sorry about all the Ling Tong+Lu Xun, too. I really hope it doesn't bother anyone as the story goes on (especially this chapter, but there's a good reason it's here this time). But, nonetheless, this is still a Gan Ning+Ling Tong story. Don't worry~! ;D

And I can't forget to thank my loyal reviewers! **Nan Ma**, **Red Queen of Spades**, **Vyrilien**, **Vovo**, **Megumi Kei**, and **Animelover6000**, thank you so very much for you comments and feedback! I'm so glad you all like the story ^_^; I keep writing this for people like you, so I truly appreciate your feedback! Please let me know if you have any suggestions or if you have a problem with the implied LT+LX.

I haven't started the next chapter yet, since I want to wait and see what feedback I get about the whole LT+LX thing. But! It'll probably be up by the end of the week, so no worries! :)

Thanks for reading!


	6. f a v o r s

**Word Count: **2,459

* * *

f a v o r s

* * *

It took me longer than it should have to will myself out of bed after Lu Xun left. He was insistent about us going to visit Gan Ning together, but I didn't want any witnesses to my shameful apology. Or, maybe it would've been better to have one, especially considering I was dealing with a pirate. They're not exactly known to be the most honest group of people in the world.

What took even longer was getting dressed. I was amazed by just how handicapped I was with a broken left arm. At several points I was tempted to give up and just walk around half-naked—or at my lowest moment, I even considered calling Lu Xun back to help—but I finally sucked it up enough to pull on my usual ensemble. I had to admit, I looked kind of ridiculous with one sleeve dangling empty. Whatever. Not like I was trying to win any fashion shows or impress anyone—_especially_ not Gan Ning. Then again, maybe it would be fun to tease him…

With all that out of the way, I finally—begrudgingly—set off for the infirmary. My heart was drumming in my chest so loud it seemed to ring in my ears. What was I going to say?

_He probably won't accept a simple "thank you," _I mused. _But there's no way in hell I'm going to give him some heartfelt speech. _

_ "Don't you have something to say to me?" _

I ran my free hand down my face. Of course, I'd managed to miss a perfect window of opportunity to get this stupid "thank you" out of the way. I can't believe I didn't realize it then… No wonder he made that crack about my intelligence.

_And just what the hell is with him and calling me "princess," anyway? I bet it's just some sick fantasy of his._

I shivered.

"Ah, Gongji!"

My pulse seemed to stop. _Please don't let that be who I think it is…_

Slowly, I turned around and forced smile. I almost sighed in relief as my gaze fell on the owner of the voice. How could I have mistaken it with the skinny strategist, even for a second?

"My lord, it's good to see you," I said, giving a respectful bow. I could almost kiss Sun Quan, I was so grateful he wasn't Lu Xun.

Sun Quan eyed my arm as he approached me. "It's good to see you up and moving about, Gongji. I was worried when I heard you and Gan Ning had been injured—and even more surprised when I discovered you didn't do it to each other." He chuckled; I smiled politely. "At any rate, I'm glad you're well. I don't know what I would do if something serious happened to you."

Now it was my turn to chuckle. "My lord, I'm sure you would get on fine without me. There are plenty of great generals here."

"I know," Sun Quan said, his voice suddenly very somber. "But great generals are never forgotten, nor are they ever really replaced."

_He must be referring to lords Sun Ce and Sun Jian…_

"My lord," I began, wanting to lift the heavy mood that had fallen over us. "There's really no need to worry about that now. I'll be sticking around for a while. After all, who else is going to keep that reckless pirate in line?"

Sun Quan gave a subdued laugh, his lips curled into a smile. "It's good to hear you two are finally getting along."

"Actually," I sighed, "I'm on my way to the infirmary right now to visit him."

"Oh?" Sun Quan's eyebrow quirked up, swiftly making me regret what I'd just said.

"I, uh…never thanked him for saving me." _Even though he was the one who put me in that __situation in the first place. _"So I'm on my way now."

The lord smiled, clapping his hand over my good shoulder. "That's right. Perhaps I should go with you and thank him as well."

_Please, don't._

"I-I'm sure you're busy, my lord," I said. I _really_ didn't want anyone else there when I was forced to swallow my pride—not even my liege. "I can give him your regards while I'm there."

"Thank you, Gongji. Take care, all right?" He added, patting my shoulder.

"Of course."

I waited until Sun Quan was out of sight before I continued to the infirmary. Really, though, I was just looking for any excuse possible to drag my feet. My heart didn't exactly sing at the idea of thanking the stupid pirate.

* * *

I stood outside the infirmary like an idiot, my hand frozen in the motion of opening the door. _Why_ was this so damn difficult?

_Just say thanks and get out, _I told myself (as if that would really help motivate me). _Simple as that. There's really no reason to stay longer._

Drawing a long breath, I reached for the handle and stepped through the doorway. The infirmary was surprisingly quiet, considering who was in there. Gan Ning's eyes flashed over in my direction as soon as he heard my footsteps. His brow creased—probably wondering why I was there.

_I'm still asking myself the same question…_

"Surprised to see you walking around by yourself," he sneered. "What, Taishi Ci too busy to cling to? And I bet that little brat Lu Xun's too short for a lanky asshole like yourself to use as a crutch."

I blinked, momentarily stunned by his words. I didn't think sober Gan Ning would hint so strongly on his feelings. Or…maybe I was starting to take things out of context now that I knew.

"Cat got your tongue, princess?"

"Could you shut up for a minute?" I said, snapping out of my thoughts. "Jeez, all I do is walk through the door and you start harassing me."

Gan Ning shrugged. "Why are you here, then? Come for a laugh?"

"What? No." I wandered over to my old bed and sat down on the edge, facing the blond-haired brat. "Why would I laugh? I'm really in no condition to." I motioned to my useless arm.

The pirate scrunched his nose. "Yeah, well…whatever."

"Anyway," I started, averting my gaze to the floor. "Actually, I, uh… I came here to thank you."

I could see Gan Ning perk up out of the corner of my eye. He sat up—as much as he could, anyway—and chuckled. "You actually going to swallow that ego of yours, princess?"

"On behalf of Lord Sun Quan," I quickly added, casting him a smirk. Gan Ning blinked. "He wanted to thank you for saving my life."

He snorted. "Figures. You don't have the balls to thank me."

My eyebrow twitched. "Excuse me?"

"You gave your message, now get out," he ordered, brown eyes narrowing to glare at me. "Looking at your face makes me sick."

"That's not what you said the other night," I blurted. My good hand flew to cover my mouth, but it was too late. _Oh, shit…_

Gan Ning drew his lips into a thin line. "What was that?"

"Thank you," I replied. There was no way in hell I was about to get into what he said the other night—not right now, at any rate. "I came here to thank you, so…thank you. You saved my life—even though you endangered it in the first place. But," I drew a breath, "I'm not so ignorant as to deny the fact I'd be dead right now if you hadn't jumped in."

A sly, conceited smile worked its way across the pirate's face. I suddenly felt sick. "See? Was that so hard, princess?"

I raised my hand to cover my face, suddenly painfully aware of how warm it had gotten. What the hell was up with my body lately?

Gan Ning gave a subdued laugh (or, subdued for _him_, at any rate). "Looks likes you owe me now. Y'know, for saving your lanky ass and all."

A sigh slipped through my lips as my pulse quickened. _Well, this could go any number of ways…_ "What do you want?"

His smile contorted into a toothy grin; my stomach was doing back flips as the possibilities ran through my mind.

_"I want you to be my slave."_

_ "I want you to be my _sex _slave."_

Or, more Gan Ning-esque, _"I wanna fuck you."_

A shiver ran up the length of my spine, one I couldn't suppress. The pirate noticed and laughed. "Nervous?"

"What do you want?" I repeated again, unwilling to answer his question.

Gan Ning hummed, dragging his index finger across his lower lip. Something weird stirred in my lower half; I fought the urge to slap myself. "Hm… Nothing, right now."

The hopeful look must have been evident on my face, as he cut me off right when I was about to speak.

"But that doesn't mean I'm letting it go."

My heart sank. _Figures._

"I'll save this little favor for later," Gan Ning smirked victoriously. His finger hesitated at the corner of his mouth.

I…really hated where my thoughts were taking me at this point.

_Am I just semi-attracted—no, no way in _hell_ I'm attracted to Gan Ning in any way, shape or form, _I forcefully told myself. _But…maybe I'm just thinking this way because I know he's attracted to me?_

…Did that even make any sense?

"Master Gan Ning?" A nurse called from the other room. "It's time for your physical therapy."

The pirate glared up at me as if to say _get the hell out now_. I tilted my head and smiled. No way I was going to miss this.

"Beat it," he hissed as two nurses came in.

I shrugged. "Thought I'd stay and see if they need any help."

The vein in Gan Ning's neck threatened to burst again as his glare darkened. I smirked from the safety of my bed.

"How are you feeling today, Master Gan Ning?" The shorter nurse asked. Really, both of them were pretty small. How were they supposed to help the blond bastard with his physical therapy? He'd probably crush them.

"Same as yesterday," Gan Ning spat. The nurse flinched.

"Hey, calm down, will you?" I said. "They're not the ones who put you in that bed. They're trying to help you, so don't lash out at them."

The smaller nurse flashed me a thankful smile as the other spoke up. "What brings you here, Master Ling Tong? Is your arm bothering you?"

My reply was on the tip of my tongue when Gan Ning cut me off. "He said he came here to volunteer his help. Right, Tongy boy?"

I stared at him in disbelief. Rotten bastard called my bluff!

"Oh, really?" Both nurses were beaming, probably relieved that they wouldn't have to support Gan Ning themselves. I shot the pirate an acidic glare before offering them a forced smile.

"Of course," I said.

"But your arm…" The shorter nurse commented.

"He said he'd use his only good side left," Gan Ning was quick to reply for me once again. "Tongy boy's a big boy now. He can manage."

I could feel the nurses curious gazes as the words '_Tongy boy_' left the pirate's mouth for the second time. The overwhelming urge to punch him made my hand tremble. However, I couldn't help but wonder: if he remembers '_Tongy Boy_,' how much else does he remember from that night he was drunk? Did he just lie to me and say he forgot?

"Well?" Gan Ning said impatiently, quickly drawing me out of my thoughts. "Are we gonna do this or what?"

Forcing a calm smile, I swallowed my pride—and the ever-growing desire to deck the bastard in the face—and moved over toward his bed. The nurses helped Gan Ning, urging him not to move so fast. Either he was in a lot of pain or just really bad at hiding it, because I could see his lips quirking uncomfortably as he turned to sit on the edge of the bed. Something akin to pity momentarily took hold of me.

"Come on," the pirate said, patting the mattress next to him, the smuggest of grins plastered to his face. Any remotely kind feelings I felt for him a few seconds ago quickly disappeared. "Let's get a move on."

I grimaced internally; _why_ doesn't he wear a shirt? The thought of being right up against his bare chest sent my thoughts racing in two different directions—one of which I wanted to stab myself for even having in the first place. With a quick sigh I seated myself beside the pirate, taking his left arm (since he obviously had no intention of moving it himself) and draping it loosely around my neck. Gan Ning smirked as he scooted right up next to me, pressing his bare chest up against my clothed one.

Oh, _gods_ it was warm_…_

_ Shut up—shut up—shut up,_ I told myself. _I must be sick to be even remotely attracted to any sort of warmth coming from this pirate. There's got to be something wrong with me. Maybe because I can't remember the last time I ate… Yeah, yeah that's it._

Tenderly snaking my right arm around his torso (mostly because I wanted to brush against him as little as possible), an idea came to mind: why not play into his lust for me? Tease him a bit?

_This could be the best idea I ever had._

Trying my best to fight a smirk, I placed my hand on the lower half of his stomach, still a bit unnerved by how the warmth of his skin—even through the bandages—was alluring. Gan Ning stiffened slightly. It was _so_ hard not to smirk victoriously.

"Here we go," I said, slowly getting to my feet. The pirate leaned flush against me; I was suddenly very aware of how heavy he was. Those little nurses never would have been able to do this. "You okay?" I asked upon seeing a weird look cross his face.

Gan Ning clenched his jaw and nodded. "Yeah. Just don't try anything funny like dropping me or I'll rip you a new one once I'm better."

I laughed. "Don't worry. I don't play dirty like some people."

"Yeah?" He gave a half smile. "What about that time in the cemetery, cracking your skull into mine? That wasn't playing dirty?"

"I blame you for your bad influence," I replied, feeling my own lips starting to curl into a smile. Never in my wildest dreams would I have believed I could hold a casual conversation with my father's murderer. "Come on," I said, readjusting my grip on him. "We'll just walk around the beds first."

* * *

**A/N: **Ack, what a terrible ending! I could drawl on about this forever, but I'll save some of it for the next chapter~

You know, I actually had 3/4 of this chapter written for a long time, but never got around to finishing it…until now. I was going through a slump (and not just of the creative kind), but I seem to have worked my way out of it, I hope. :) And hopefully there weren't too many errors…didn't exactly proofread this one too much.

Reviewers, reviewers! I cannot thank you all enough. **Animelover6000**, **Niouyuki**, **Somniyo**, **Nan Ma**, **Vovo**, **Megumi Kei**, **Vyrilien**, and **Renuki**, thank you all for your very kind words! It may be hard to believe (especially with this later-than-usual update), but reviews are really great motivators for me. :) I truly appreciate them all and that you all take the time to leave me some feedback. Thank you so very much!

I also realized after the last chapter…I don't really ship LTxLX myself. Hahah! It works well for the story, though! ;D

I feel really motivated right now, so I'll start working on the next chapter right away!

Thanks for reading!


	7. s i g n s

**Word Count: **2,301

* * *

s i g n s

* * *

I don't exactly know how it happened, but I was suckered into helping Gan Ning with his physical therapy on a daily basis. Maybe it was because the nurses looked pretty mortified at the thought of trying to hold up the pirate themselves, or maybe some sick, twisted part of me actually liked helping him. Or maybe I was just a doormat. Whatever it was, I spent every day of the next six weeks in the infirmary.

I had to admit, I was pretty impressed by how quickly Gan Ning recovered. What surprised me even more, though, was how well he and I actually got along. Whenever I'd come in, he'd have this stupid smile on his face. At first I thought it was just him feeling cocky that he'd managed to get me to do this for so long, but later I realized it was a genuine smile. I didn't think the pirate could manage one.

Creepier yet, I kind of started to like him. Not in the "I want to date him" kind of way (like hell if it would _ever _be that), but the "I can finally stomach being around you" kind of way. I never thought I'd get there, considering nothing had really changed about our situation: he still murdered my father and I still wanted some sort of revenge. But for the time being, things were pretty nice. Even my weird little situation with Lu Xun started to slow down (I still think it had something to do with me using the word "friends" that one time)…

Lu Meng decided to celebrate our "good behavior"—Gan Ning's and my own, that is—by having a small feast ordered to the infirmary. Even though the pirate was able to walk around and spar, the doctors still wanted him to stay there to keep an eye on him. I couldn't blame them, though; trusting a pirate to look after his health was like asking a drunk for directions: heavens only knew what would happen.

So, there I was, sitting around a makeshift table beside the bed of my father's murderer, trapped between Lu Meng and Lu Xun. Gan Ning had just finished one of his extravagant—and highly exaggerated—stories, leaving Lu Meng in stitches and a _too-naive-to-get-the-joke-at-the-end_ Lu Xun baffled. I smiled politely as I took another long drink of the mysterious wine in my glass. It tasted like grape…and some other fruit I couldn't put my finger on. I was just lowering the glass from my lips when a splitting pain shot across my skull. Unconsciously, I raised a hand to my forehead—as if it would help.

"Is everything all right, Master Ling Tong?" Lu Xun asked, puppy-dog eyes in full action.

"Heh, princess just can't hold his liquor," Gan Ning shot. My eyes glared in his direction; I thought he'd finally retired that stupid nickname. "Might want to slow down there, pal."

I grimaced, massaging my fingertips into my temples. _It's not like I've even had a lot to drink yet… Maybe it's just from stress. After all, how enjoyable can it really be to eat dinner with a man who's lusting after you and another who seems to have a thing for you? Not to mention Lu Meng, who seems to be three sheets to the wind all ready…_

"I'm fine," I finally said, lowering my hand. Not like the pain had subsided or anything.

"As I was getting at earlier," Lu Meng said, tentatively changing the subject. Maybe he wasn't as drunk as I thought. "Our lord wants to launch a joint attack with Shu against Wei at Chibi. We're supposed to march in a few days."

"According to the doctors," Lu Xun chimed in, "you should be more than able to join us, Master Gan Ning. Since your physical therapy went so well, you'll be able to help us lead the front lines at Chibi. It'll be a good chance for you to finally stretch your legs."

"All right!" Gan Ning's eyes lit up; I don't think I'd ever seen him so excited. "'Bout damn time, too. I'm sick of waiting around."

"You too, Ling Tong," Lu Meng added, nodding in my direction. Instinctively, I glanced down at my cast-free arm. "So long as it doesn't cause you too much pain, you'll be able to help out as well."

I nodded. The pain radiating from my skull was starting to make it a chore to pay attention. And had it always been so cold in here?

"So, what's the game plan, then? Not that it really interests me," Gan Ning said, arrogantly flippant as always. I rolled my eyes.

"Lord Zhou Yu has worked out a strategy with Lord Zhuge Liang," Lu Xun informed. "We're supposed to go over the battle plans tomorrow afternoon."

"Eh," the pirate shrugged, finishing off the drink in his hand. I silently prayed he wouldn't get drunk enough to go into another embarrassing confession. "Like I said, doesn't really interest me. So long as I can go out there and kick some ass the way I like, I'm not complaining."

Lu Xun gave a patient smile. "We'll put that into consideration tomorrow."

The skinny strategist kept talking after that, but I had to admit, I tuned him out. What with the searing pain in my skull and the sudden drop in temperature (was it really just me?), I was easily distracted. Lifting a hand, I pressed the back of it against my forehead._ Damn_, it was hot…

I wasn't getting sick, was I?

"You okay there, Ling Tong?"

"Eh?" I blinked, meeting two worried gazes and Gan Ning's _what-the-hell's-wrong-with-you-now_ stare. "Uh…what?"

"You're whiter than a ghost," Lu Meng continued; his eyebrows furrowed with concern. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Perhaps we should call it a night," Lu Xun offered. I actually felt a little grateful for his suggestion. "It is getting late, and we have much to prepare for tomorrow."

Gan Ning snorted. "There'll be plenty of time to sleep when we're all dead."

"And _you'll _be there soon if you keep pushing yourself—and drinking all that liquor," Lu Meng said, swiping the bottle from the pirate's hand as he rose. "Get some rest."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, old man," Gan Ning mumbled.

I followed Lu Xun out of the infirmary, all ready a little tired of the "old man/brazen pirate" spiel they did. Or maybe I was just cranky because I felt weird. We waited outside the door; Lu Xun stood patiently as I leaned against a nearby wall, feeling rather weak. What the hell was going on with my body?

"Go—" the kid started, changing his mind mid-word. "Master Ling Tong, if you aren't feeling well, please don't push yourself too hard."

"Gongji," I said with a weak smile, knowing that was what he intended to say. "And I'm fine, really. I think I just drank too much."

Thankfully Lu Meng emerged from the infirmary, stopping Lu Xun from saying whatever else was on the tip of his tongue. "Well, let's get going, then."

I wandered behind the two as we made our way through the castle, as our rooms were all located within the same wing. They were both heavily engaged in some strategy talk—I didn't really catch anything of it. A weird, twisting feeling was gripping my stomach as I walked; the walls began to sway a little.

_Damn it, I think I'm really sick…_ I cursed myself. Unconsciously, I lifted a hand to my forehead. I was sweating? But I was cold… _Must be a fever, then._

The feeling in my stomach suddenly intensified as we stepped through the corridor connecting to my room. I stopped, steadying myself against the wall and clutching my stomach. Bile started to work its way up my throat as the floor beneath me swayed.

_Goddamn it…_

"Master Ling Tong?" Lu Xun's voice barely registered. "What's wrong?"

"Sick," I blurted. It was all I managed to say before I bolted to the door of my room and slamming it behind me. I darted over to the empty wash bowl beside my bed and vomited.

And I continued this for the rest of the night.

* * *

The sun peering over the horizon only succeeding in making me feel worse—if that was even physically possible. I was sitting out on the balcony, slumped against the railing. I'd only stopped vomiting a few hours earlier and was finally able to relax a bit. Getting any actual rest didn't happen last night: every hour I was up and emptying my stomach of what little contents it had left (if there was anything it all, really).

My throat burned. My eyes burned. My forehead burned.

I felt like death.

Eating breakfast wasn't even an option: no way in _hell_ was I about to consume something that I'd probably end up seeing again a few minutes later. Grabbing the railing, I slowly got to my feet, the urge to vomit rising with the motion.

_For the love of…_ _Will this _please _go away soon?_

Maybe I could walk it off… Besides, I _was_ feeling extremely stiff from sitting so awkwardly all night. And I doubted anyone would really be up, considering how early it was. So, taking advantage of the small window of not feeling the urge to throw up, I staggered over to the door and peered out: the coast was clear.

Slipping into the corridor, I kept my eyes peeled for anyone who might interrupt my quick walk. I was grateful I'd been right about no one being up at such an early hour. I managed to wander around for a bit before returning to the same corridor to my room (I would have kept walking a little longer if my head hadn't felt so light). And just as I was rounding the corner, I saw _him_ coming down the hall.

The odds of Gan Ning being up and about at this hour and by _my_ room had to be extremely, _extremely_ slim.

Yet it still happened.

_Why is my life such a bad joke?_

"Hey there," he called, giving a weird half-smile. "Glad to see you're alive. Thought you might've kicked the bucket after your dramatic little show last night."

"Surprised to see you up at this hour," I shot as I neared him—ignoring his comment. Ah, hell, _why_ did he have to stop by my door? He didn't know it was mine, did he? To try and piss me off?

Gan Ning snorted. "Yeah?" His expression faltered as I neared him; I panicked a little. "Somethin' wrong? You don't look good."

Now it was my turn to snort. "Thanks."

"Not like that, idiot."

My face felt a little hot—and I don't think it was because of a fever.

The pirate took a step forward as the hall started to sway. Oh, not _now_. Of all times, not now…

I tried to make my leaning against the wall for support as casual as possible, though tripping over my own foot didn't help. I reached for the wall as a pair of hands grabbed my waist, holding me up.

"Whoa there," Gan Ning said, his breath ghosting over my neck—which succeeded in giving me goosebumps.

I pushed him away in my sudden embarrassment. "Let go," I snarled, falling back against the wall. My whole body burned, but no spot as much as where he'd touched me. I really _was_ sick.

"Don't get snippy with me," the pirate said. His voice was unusually low—or did my hearing just wack out?—as he stepped over toward me, trapping me against the wall. His brow was furrowed as he placed his hands on my hips.

Oh,dear _gods_…

"Your breath smells horrible." He scrunched up his nose.

"Don't get so close to me, then," I countered; anger once again acting to cover up my embarrassment. I wasn't about to tell him I'd been throwing up several hours ago—he didn't need any more reason to badger me. "Yours doesn't smell so fresh, either."

He chuckled. I could have sworn I felt the vibrations in my chest, even though we weren't touching. His face had gotten so close to my own I could see the subtle lines in his lips.

Wait, why the_ hell_ was I looking there, anyway?

"What are you doing?" I asked as he inched his face even closer. My heart was pounding; I prayed he wouldn't hear it. And as if I wasn't feeling lightheaded enough all ready—having him so close made me feel like I couldn't even think if I wanted to. And that weirded me out.

Gan Ning gave a brief chuckle. "I wish you could see how you look right now. Face flushed, half-lidded eyes, breathless…" He paused. I could have sworn my heart stopped. "Looks like you're waiting for something to happen."

"Get away from me," I snapped, my tone much less demanding than it should have been. I wanted to push him off, but part of me was reluctant to touch his bare chest again.

The pirate squeezed my hips. Several memories from the night he was drunk flashed through my mind. I swallowed hard.

"You always do this," he said—whispered. "I hate it. But I kind of like it, too."

My blood ran cold.

_"That face of yers. I hate it. But it's kinda beautiful."_

_ "I hate the way you walk_…_ But it's sexy. But I hate it."_

Oh, dear merciful heavens…

"Get away from me," I said again. My knees felt like they were about to buckle. And how did it seem like he was taller than me right now? I brought my hands up to his chest to push him away; he almost seemed to purr at the touch.

And then Gan Ning kissed me.

* * *

**A/N: **Wahaha~ Cliff-hanger ending much? x3 I really couldn't help myself here. ^-^

What will happen next? Will Ling Tong give into Gan Ning? Will Lu Xun walk in? Guess we'll have to wait for the next chapter~

I'd like to take the time to give a special thanks to my reviewers, including: **Vovo**, **Megumi Kei**, **Animelover6000**, Somniyo, and **Niouyuki**. I honestly can't thank you all enough for leaving your comments and reviews for me! Every time I see I have a new one I get this silly smile on my face :) You're all the reason I keep this story going, so thank you!

Do you guys think I should make my chapters a little longer? I feel like they might be a bit on the short side…

Thanks for reading, everyone! Chapter 8 will be up soon~


	8. i d e a

**Word Count: **2,059

* * *

i d e a

* * *

Gan Ning dug his nails into me as he smashed our lips together, jerking my hips forward so they were flush against his own. I whimpered in surprise as I was suddenly lost in a stupor of disbelief. I could hardly conjure a straight thought other than:

What the _hell_ was going on?

All the blood seemed to rush to my face (and my groin, as horrifying as that was) as the pirate parted the seam of my lips with his tongue. The warmth of his body—of his touch—had me reeling; I didn't even know where I was. The way he worked his tongue inside my mouth was sick and sensual and dear _gods—_my eyes rolled back into my head as pleasure overwhelmed me. Gan Ning squeezed my hips again; my hands were still pressed against his chest, digging into his skin ever so slightly.  
Every possible part of my body was burning.

The pirate rubbed his groin against my own. Someone moaned. Was it me? It was so hot…and the sudden loss of contact with Gan Ning's lips made my head spin. I dug my nails further into his chest when I felt his lips brush against the side of my neck. Instinctively, I turned my head to the side to allow him more access. The warmth of his breath fed both the fogging in my mind and the buzzing in my groin._ Oh,_ gods…when he began sucking on the skin near my jaw—I thought I was going to pass out.

"Gan Ning—" I said, my voice coming out in an embarrassingly whisper-like moan. He hummed in response. Trying to pull myself out of the fog I was in, I dug my nails into the pirate's skin and shoved him as hard as I could. "Get off me," I hissed.

Gan Ning staggered back, his expression a mixture of confusion and anger. He seemed breathless—I realized my own chest was heaving. Pressing my palms against the wall behind me, I tried to steady myself as what just happened began to sink in.

I had kissed Gan Ning.

Made out with him, really.

_Oh, dear gods…_ _What the hell have I done?_

"Don't _ever_ do that again," I growled, finally starting to feel like myself again—though the lightheadedness remained.

The pirate smirked, though I could tell he was still pissed. "Didn't seem like you had a problem with it a minute ago, princess."

My eyes narrowed. "Don't—do it—_again_."

"You always do this," he scoffed.

"Do what?"

"This!" He snapped, gesturing toward me. "You're just—ah, fuck it."

I took a step forward—no way in hell I was about to let him get away without an explanation. But as soon as I did so, everything around me swayed and I experienced a falling sensation again. Gan Ning's hands wrapped around my arms as he pulled me against his chest. Had my head not been pounding—or if it hadn't felt heavier than usual—I would've fought against him.

What the hell was up with my body lately, anyway? One minute I'm feeling okay and the next I'm ready to pass out. That can't exactly be good…

"You're just bound and determined to pass out on me, aren't you?" The pirate laughed.

"Let me go," I grumbled.

"And what? Let you drop to the floor? Tempting as that is," he said, "you're obviously sick. You might find it hard to believe, princess, but I'm a little above dropping sick people."

I gave an amused snort, trying not to mirror the smile on his face. "But you're not above taking advantage of the sick, then?"

Gan Ning narrowed his eyes. "You sayin' I took advantage of you before?"

"No," I sighed, willing to say whatever it took to end the conversation (even if he really _did_). The spinning feeling in my head was absolutely terrible at that point: I just wanted to lay down. "Look, are you going to help me to my room or not? I've got better things to do than hang out in your arms all day."

"Heh," the pirate smirked. "You sure about that? You look pretty good like this from where I'm standing."

"Just help me to my room, please."

"Sure, sure." He repositioned his grip to sling one of my arms around his neck, supporting my weight the same way Taishi Ci had the other day.

Except Taishi Ci didn't have a wandering hand.

"Don't touch my ass," I snarled as I smacked his hand away.

"My bad." Oh, how I would've _loved _to rip that grin off his face. "Anyway, where to?"

A long sigh slipped past my lips. "It's right here…"

"Eh?" Gan Ning looked over at the door. "Seriously?"

"Don't play stupid," I snapped. "You knew this was my room all along. Why else would you have stopped in front of it?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I have better things to do than stalk your room," he said flatly. "Still, that's pretty convenient. I won't have to haul your lanky ass all over the castle now."

"Hilarious as always," I replied, my tone dry. A pounding was starting to form in the back of my skull.

As humiliating—and awkward—as it was, I let Gan Ning help me back into my room. He whistled once we got inside, mumbling something. All I caught of it was "spoiled brat" and "what sexual favors…" I _really_ didn't want to know.

"Heave-ho," the pirate grunted as he threw me onto my bed.

_Gracious as always…_

"Thanks," I replied—sarcastically, of course. What moron throws someone who almost passed out—_twice_?

Gan Ning scratched the side of his face. Was he…feeling _awkward_? That was something I'd never seen before. "Er, you need anything before I go?"

"Actually…" I began. The idea of asking him _why_ he'd kissed me was bouncing around in my head. He was already feeling awkward now: why not make him squirm a bit more? Then again…did I really want to know the answer?

_If he says what I already know, then it's just because he's lusting after me. But…_ I swallowed hard. _But if he says something else—that he lo—_

"You gonna spit it out or what?" The pirate asked, his harsh voice jerking me out of my thoughts.

The words were out of my mouth before I could even help myself.

"Why did you kiss me?"

Gan Ning blinked. It felt as though all the blood in my body had rushed to my face. He was staring me down. What—did he expect me to crack and take back my question? Maybe I should…

Finally, he replied, looking rather nonchalant. "It looked like you wanted me to."

Now it was my turn to blink, stupefied. Something in my chest ached. What kind of answer had I been expecting? "Is…that all?"

"Didn't seem like you hated it or anything," he shrugged.

"I never agreed to it, either."

"So you didn't like it?"

My response froze on the tip of my tongue; his question caught me completely off guard. I didn't like it, did I? No—no way in hell.

…I mean, I really didn't, right? It felt good, sure—but… Oh, oh _hell—_did I really just say it _felt good_?

I-it must be because I'm lightheaded. I don't know what I'm thinking. That's all.

"'Cause your breath sure tasted like shit," Gan Ning went on. My eyebrow twitched at the comment—not that it probably wasn't true. "The hell have you been doing?"

I snorted. "Trust me when I say you _really_ wouldn't want to know."

Gan Ning laughed—like an actual _laugh_. Not a sarcastic, defensive one but one that was actually happy and amused. "That's why I like you, Tongy boy. You've got a sense of humor. You're not like the other stiffs around here. Talking to you keeps me on my toes."

"Glad I could be of service," I said dryly, trying to ignore the sudden fluttering in my chest.

He chuckled. "Cocky bastard." I watched him with half-narrowed eyes as he made his way back toward my bed, kneeling on the edge of it. His face was getting closer, too—just what in the _hell _was he trying to do?

"What are you doing?" I asked; my breath was caught in my throat.

"What? You don't want a goodbye kiss?" He said, first feigning innocence before his smile curled into a smug grin.

"Fuck off," I said as I shoved him away. "I never agreed to this."

"Agreed to what?"

"_Us_, you moron. _This!_" I said hotly, my face burning with embarrassment.

Gan Ning cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "So you think there's something going on between us now?"

I reached for the nearest pillow and hurled it at his sickening face. "Get out of my sight before I strangle you."

"You're a tough one," he chuckled, easily avoiding the pillow. He raised his hands in a shrug as he made his way to the door, hesitating once he was halfway through it. Looking back over his shoulder, the pirate cast me a sly smile and said: "But I'll still get you to crack."

"_Out_," I snapped, chucking another pillow at the back of his head—but he was out and shutting the door behind him before it could make contact.

What the hell was he talking about, anyway? _"You're a tough one, but I'll still get you to crack…"_ The fuck?

_Damn it, I said it again, _I cursed myself mentally, smacking a palm to my forehead.

Still…that could be interpreted one of two ways, the first being this: Gan Ning is a stubborn, sick bastard and won't stop until his lust for me is fulfilled, meaning he'll do whatever it takes to get me to sleep with him.

I shivered.

Or two: Gan Ning might actually love me and want his feelings to be returned.

Some part of me wanted to laugh out loud at that thought. The other part, though, seemed to get excited at the idea… Something twitched uncomfortably in my chest again. Why did that always happen whenever I thought about being in love with Gan Ning?

Wait—wait—wait—_wait_, did I just… _He'd_ be the one in love with _me _(hypothetically speaking), not the other way around. I _am not—_and will not _ever _be—in love with Gan Ning. What the hell is there to love about him, anyway? He's loud and obnoxious and overbearing and pushy. He also doesn't know how to wear a shirt…and he's muscular. Damn—that's not a reason! Where the hell did that come from?

I groaned, rolling onto my side and curling my legs up against my chest. I really was _not_ thinking these things about that bastard, was I? It was just because he kissed me earlier, right? So, naturally, my mind would wander…

_"Why did you kiss me?"_

_ "It looked like you wanted me to."_

Something painful twitched in my chest. So, he just kissed me because it looked like I wanted him to…? I mean, I obviously didn't expect him to admit he's lusting after me, but, still… _That_ was the best excuse he could come up with?

_Maybe he really doesn't love me after all, then._

…And what was so bad about that? I didn't care. The weird, twisting pain in my chest I felt then—it was because I'm sick. That's all. It had nothing to do with Gan Ning. Absolutely nothing to do with the messed up situation between the two of us.

_I'm not a moron, though,_ I tried to rationalize with myself. _I think…I think I might actually_ like _ the stupid bastard. I think I seriously might like him—in some sick, demented, romantic sort of way…_

Oh gods, what am I even _thinking_? Like hell! I don't "love" the bastard—I don't even like him!

I hated Gan Ning.

_Hated_ him.

And that was that.

Rolling onto my other side, I grabbed my blankets and yanked them up under my chin. Though my pillows were now laying on the floor, I was still exhausted and needed to get some rest. All this thinking about Gan Ning—and my _not_ loving him—was really starting to make me dizzy.

I needed a nap.

* * *

**A/N: **Orz… Late update is late _and_ short…and lacking in the usual luster (I blame it on the fact I've been playing too much Fable 3 lately)… ;~;

I'm so sorry this took so long (and that it sucks)! I promise I'll have another (and hopefully better) chapter up in the next couple of days after I get a bit of feedback. I hit a wall here ._.

I say this every chapter, but I honestly mean it—my reviewers, your kind words and comments mean the world to me! **Red Queen of Spades**, **Somniyo**,** Niouyuki**, **Megumi Kei**, **Vovo**, **Animelover6000**, **Nan Ma**, and **tsukiko3000**, thank you all so very, very much! You're all too sweet~ ; I'm glad you all like the story and are kind enough to take the time to leave me some feedback! ^-^

Also, I'd like to apologize for the lame kiss in the beginning of the chapter (and how it didn't lead anywhere…_interesting_)… There needs to be a little more angst before that happens ;D I hope I didn't disappoint anyone too bad!

Thank you for reading~!


	9. r e s t l e s s

**Word Count: **2,265

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r e s t l e s s

* * *

It smelled like him.

I didn't realize it until after I woke up from my nap, but it smelled like _him—_the front of my shirt.

I was just starting to come out of my sleepy lull—and feeling much better—when I noticed it. Lifting the fabric up to my nose, I took a deep breath. It was like…a smoky, sweaty, exotic spice or something…with a trace of honey. The fact I knew it was Gan Ning's bothered me just as much as the fact the smell was _on my shirt._

"Damn it," I growled under my breath. Ripping the article of clothing off my body, I wadded it into a ball and threw it across the room as hard as I could. But I could still smell him—_why_ could I still smell the bastard?

_Is it on my pants, too? _I tore back the blankets and sniffed my knee._ For the love of—how the hell did _that _happen?_

Grumbling under my breath, I rolled onto my back and began to (violently) unfasten the top of my pants. I wasn't about to lay around covered in that pushy bastard's scent. My hands were halfway in the motion of unfastening the last button when a surprised squeak caught my attention.

_Oh, fuck_…

With a slow, suspenseful turn, I shifted my gaze toward the door. Sure enough, there stood Lu Xun, baffled and blushing like there was no tomorrow. All the blood rushed to my cheeks as I tried to imagine how ridiculous I looked just then.

"M-master Ling Tong?" His sheepish voice cracked.

"Um…" I _really_ had no explanation for this. "Uh, about—er—_this_…"

"I, uh, I just came to inform you that the strategy talk for tomorrow's battle is starting soon," Lu Xun said, averting his gaze to the floor. I couldn't blame him. "I was wondering if you would be—attending."

"Yeah," I nodded stiffly, still frozen in the same position. "I'll, um…I'll be there."

The little strategist gave a quick nod. "Please be quick." And he swiftly exited.

…That really could _not _have been any more embarrassing.

* * *

Despite the bizarre event that had occurred, I still managed to make it to the meeting in time. I almost sighed in relief when I saw Gan Ning wasn't there. Figured the pea-brained pirate wouldn't show up.

Zhou Yu led the discussion (eloquently, as always; I'm kind of jealous of his public speaking skills and the way all eyes are always on him) and walked us through the basics of the plan. We—the Wu force—would launch the main attack while Shu took care of the altar preparations (here Zhou Yu mentioned something about the direction of the wind and Zhuge Liang).

It sounded pretty solid to me. However, I wasn't too thrilled to hear I wasn't going to be part of the front lines. Someone (I assumed it was either Lu Xun or Lu Meng) had informed Lord Sun Quan that I'd fallen ill for a day, so I was forced to stay behind at the main camp. It didn't _really_ bother me, though: someone had to protect our lord, and this way I wouldn't have to see much of Gan Ning. Sounded good to me.

Still, some demented part of me was curious to see how he would act around me after _that _(I didn't want to refer to it as a "kiss," as that might imply it was desired by both parties—which it certainly was _not _from my side). Would he act awkward? That'd be kind of funny. Or would he be an ass about it and bring it up every five minutes? Or—even worse…would he start acting like there was _actually_ something between us? The memory of his cocky smirk and arched eyebrow came to mind.

_"__So you think there's something going on between us now?"_

_ "I'll still get you to crack."_

I shivered, despite how warm it was in the corridors, rubbing my arms up and down as I tried to shake the pirate's face from my thoughts. Crack? What was I, an egg? Or some whore he could just win over if he batted his eyes and showed off his muscles enough? I snorted.

_As if._

"Cold, Ling Tong?" A familiar voice called. Lu Meng appeared beside me before I had time to react. He smiled. "Maybe you should get back to bed."

"I'm fine," I reassured.

He only nodded and rubbed his chin. I figured he'd gotten lost in his thoughts again; that usually seemed to happen when we left war councils. Not wanting to interrupt whatever train of thought he was on, I settled for walking silently beside him as we made our way down to the courtyard. The warmth of the afternoon sun on my skin felt great after all the time I'd spent indoors.

"Have you seen Gan Ning lately?"

"Eh?" I glanced over at Lu Meng, having forgotten he was even there for a second. "No, not since this morning."

The elder strategist cocked an eyebrow; I realized my mistake and began kicking myself internally.

"This morning? I didn't think the pirate got up before noon," Lu Meng remarked. "Where did you see him?"

"In the hall," I said, trying to make it sound as inconspicuous as possible. "I was on my way back to my room when I ran into him."

Lu Meng nodded, giving me a look that told me he suspected there was more. I gulped. "What were you doing up so early when you're feeling ill, Ling Tong?"

"Just taking a walk, sir."

"And why would Gan Ning be over by your quarters when his room is on the opposite side of the castle?"

I blinked. It was _that_ far away? "I honestly have no idea," I said with a shrug. And that wasn't a lie.

"I see…" Lu Meng nodded again and began stroking his beard. He suddenly stopped walking. "Well, I've got some business to attend to near the training grounds. I suggest you take it easy, considering we march tomorrow morning."

Rather confused by the abrupt end to our former conversation (though that didn't mean I wasn't glad it was over), I just nodded. "Er, right…"

Guess I could add Lu Meng to the total number of officers acting strange. First Lu Xun and Gan Ning, and now _him_? What was with everyone lately?

And the hell was up with my body these days, too? Was this just a one-time deal or was it, maybe, something serious? I didn't really want to ask anyone about it, since I didn't want someone to think it _was _serious—especially if it wasn't. Besides, it was my problem, anyway.

Only time would tell.

* * *

With all the hustle and bustle of preparing for the upcoming battle, I was so busy I never ran into Gan Ning. Sun Quan had me running circles—around him, it seemed, since I realized my tasks never took me too far out of his sight. Was he worried that I might collapse again? I hadn't experience anything since that night, so there was really no reason for him to keep an eye on me like an overprotective parent. But, he was my lord, so I did as I was told without question.

The fact I had yet to see Gan Ning since _that_ started to bother me as we began marching for Chibi. Was he purposely avoiding me? Did he finally realize it was a mistake, too? Maybe I'd been wrong about him lusting after me…maybe he was just playing some weird game and was bored with me now. That would explain why he was avoiding me.

I clutched the horses' reigns in my hands as a sudden pang sparked somewhere within my chest. So, that was it, then? I was a game—something to fill his time when he was bored? Who had he moved on to torment now?

_Wait, why the hell do I even _care_? I should be grateful he's not plaguing me anymore._

But I wasn't.

And I almost felt…_jealous_? Of whoever it was I thought he was bothering now?

_This is all hypothetical, _I told myself. _I don't know if that's really his game. And what reason in the world would I have to be jealous of whoever Gan Ning talks to? I should feel sorry for the poor saps he corners._

What _was_ jealousy, anyway? I didn't think I'd ever really experienced it before. Envy was something I was familiar with—seeing a comrade achieve a higher ranking, seeing sons with their fathers in busy marketplaces…I envied them. But jealousy? Who was there to be jealous of?

A quote of Lu Meng's came to mind. He said it once—some time ago, actually, before Lord Sun Quan and Lian Shi were married. When our lord came to us with a trouble expression (he told us he'd just seen Lian Shi speaking to another man), Lu Meng had chuckled and said something along the lines of: _"He who is not jealous is not in love."_

So…_me_ being "jealous" of whoever Gan Ning was talking to would imply that I'm…in love…with…?

_Like hell! There is _no _possible way! I hate that bastard!_

I smacked my palm firmly against my forehead, regretting ever remembering that stupid quote. Lu Meng was full of stupid quotes. Why did I have to remember the ones that made me feel even worse than I already did?

_Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

"Is everything all right, Ling Tong?"

"Eh?" My eyes glanced over toward Sun Quan—the owner of the voice. "Ah, no, my lord… I was just thinking of something unpleasant."

Sun Quan gave a subtle laugh. "Well, come on. We're headed to the main camp. Zhou Yu and the others have already taken up their positions."

I nodded. "Of course."

Following Sun Quan—and the hundreds of troops that accompanied us—we made our way across the dark battlefield. A gust of wind swept my bangs into my eyes, and it was then I realized it was blowing from the north. Was that was Zhou Yu meant when he mentioned Zhuge Liang and his role in changing the winds? Was it even _possible_ to do that?

"My lord," a messenger called as he ran forward, promptly bowing. "The battle is about to begin."

"Very well," Sun Quan nodded. "Tell the men to take up defensive positions. Odds are we won't see any battle this time around, but it's important they stay sharp."

"Sir!"

And the battle had started. Not that we could tell from where we were—nothing changed (other than the direction of the wind, which, I had to admit, impressed me). It felt like time had stopped moving altogether when the glow of flames could be seen in the distance.

"So, Huang Gai's fire attack was a success," Sun Quan murmured. "This should be over fairly soon."

I hated sitting back and doing nothing. Though I felt honored that I was allowed to defend my lord, not knowing what was going on out there _really_ bothered me. How was everyone doing? Did we lose anyone? How much of a fight was the enemy putting up? Lu Xun was so small, and Gan Ning was such an idiot…were they doing okay?

_Wait, Lu Xun's not even here,_ I reminded myself. _So there's one less person to worry about. But…did I _really _just worry about Gan Ning? Of all people?_

He was once a pirate, so he should be used to flames and fighting on boats, right?

_This is probably right up his alley, then._

Then again, he was _such_ a reckless idiot… Knowing him, he'd probably jump onto a flaming boat full of enemies that would sink in a matter of seconds.

…Something began churning and knotting in my stomach. I shifted again in my seat as I tried to will the feeling away.

He'd be okay though, right? The pirate _did_ defeat my father, so it's not like he's some weak little punk…

But there _was_ that time with Huang Gai where Gan Ning basically got his ass handed to him…and he _was_ stupid enough to fall off a cliff with me.

_He's going to get himself killed. I just know it._

And I should care _why_, exactly? Why the hell was this bothering me so much? I wasn't jealous of whoever he talked to—and I certainly _was not_ in love with the obnoxious brute.

"Something bothering you?"

Again, Sun Quan's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I was almost grateful this time. "My lord?"

"You seem restless, Gongji."

"I'm just a bit…worried, I suppose," I replied.

"About Gan Ning, perhaps?"

I sputtered, feeling blood rush to my cheeks. "Wh-why would you…?"

Sun Quan chuckled. "I'm only teasing you, Gongji."

"Ah…right," I nodded, embarrassed.

"Why don't you check up on him and the others?" He went on. "You've been stuck here for some time now."

"But, my lord—who would be here to guard you?"

Sun Quan gave a short laugh. "I doubt I'll be in any real danger. No one's come to attack us yet, and I assume the battle is just about over by now. I'll be fine."

"My lord…"

He reached over and gently pushed my horse away from his. "Go on, Ling Tong. Go make sure everyone's doing okay."

I cast him an unsure look over my shoulder as I left. An increasing feeling of trepidation overcame me as I galloped through the base gates.

But who was it I was so worried about?

* * *

**A/N: **There was…absolutely no conversation in here with Gan Ning… ;~;

I had the basic idea for this chapter in my mind, but…I beat around the bush too much so there wasn't any Gan Ning-goodness at all. I'm terribly sorry about this! T_T;

However, to make it up to you all, there _will_ be some back-to-back snapping between Gan Ning and Ling Tong (and maybe another kiss? ;D) I have no idea as to what the next chapter will be about yet, so it's pretty open…

I'd like to take this time to thank my loyal reviewers! **Vovo**, **Nan Ma**, **Animelover6000**, **Niouyuki**, **Megumi Kei**, **Red Queen of Spades**, and **tsukiko3000**, you're all so very, very sweet! I can never thank you enough for taking the time to leave me your reviews every chapter. Every time I see I have a new one I smile so much ^-^; It's great to know what you guys are thinking; I'm counting on you to tell me when I've gone too far/ruined the story, okay? :3

Thanks to everyone else for reading this, too! I really hope this chapter wasn't too much of a dud (or that it had too many spelling/grammar errors; I got lazy and didn't check too well again ._.)

**Edit:** So, I forgot to mention this earlier, but I have an idea for later…that involves Ling Tong cross-dressing. Would you guys want to read about that? Or…is it too…unrelated?  
Just thought I'd throw that out there to see what you guys want.

Ciao~!


	10. d u m b s t r u c k

**Word Count: **2,337

* * *

d u m b s t r u c k

* * *

I could hardly see.

The battlefield was so thick with smoke from the fires, vision was reduced to only a dozen feet ahead. Continuing by horseback was quicker, yes, but also riskier: If I couldn't see that far ahead, who knows where I could end up? Running off the docks and into the river? Or galloping over an injured soldier? As much as time was of the essence—and despite how much it bothered me to abandon my fastest means of transportation—I dismounted my horse and continued on foot.

_Damn it Gan Ning, just where the hell are you?_

My throat burned as my legs carried me across the battlefield and toward the ships. All the smoke I was inhaling could _not_ be a good thing…and if that idiot was really in the thick of it all—breathing all this crap in—then maybe it was already too late…

_Shut up,_ I told myself. _Just shut up and run._

Cries of anguish, the cracking and sizzling of burning ships, distressed horses—I heard all these sounds muddled together, but my ears couldn't pick up the one sound I strained them for.

Bells.

I couldn't hear Gan Ning's bells, no matter how deep onto the battlefield I ran. The ships were just coming into view and I _still_ hadn't heard them—hadn't seen him. Did he retreat already? Was he…dead?

_He's not dead. If anything, he jumped into the water to keep from being burned._

…I was still unconvinced.

My heart thundered in my chest, pumping blood through my body as I rushed onto the nearest boat. Flames had already engulfed the other end of it, so there was no way I was getting through. There had to be another path, though—and where the _hell_ was that damned pirate?

_If he's not dead after all this, I'll kill him myself._

All enemy soldiers had already cleared out of the area. I couldn't blame them, though, considering how much the boat creaked and moaned as I ran across it. I'm not an expert on boats, but it really sounded like it was about to go down any minute…

My pace sped up.

As I made my way across the second ship, the heat from the flames finally started to hit home. Beads of sweat began trailing down from my forehead, occasionally falling into my eyes and obscuring my vision for a few seconds. I had to take care not to run too close to the flames; like _hell_ if I was going to catch on fire looking for the stupid bastard.

The thundering in my chest drowned out all other sounds as I stepped onto a third ship. The reality of the situation was starting to make me nervous. All this running around and I _still_ hadn't seen hide nor hair of Gan Ning. Not his sickle and chain twirling in the air. Not the glinting of his bells in the light of the fire. Not the mop of his unruly blond hair.

Nothing.

My throat was raw at this point—from my heavy breathing and all the smoke—as I swallowed hard. What if I found him in a way I hadn't expected? His mangled corpse hanging off the side of one of the ships… The gruesome thought had my head spinning while something in my chest twitched.

_He's not dead. He's not dead—not yet, anyway. Not today. If anything's going to kill him, it'll be _me.

Crossing over onto boat number four, a new sound caught my attention. My heart leapt into my throat with hope, my eyes straining to see what the commotion was. All hope was quickly dashed, however, as a small cluster of frenzied Wei soldiers scurried into view. Upon seeing me, several yelped in fear and one cried, "Not another one!"

_Another one? Does that mean—_

Without lifting a single one of their blades, the cluster hurried on past me, scrambling to stay on their feet as their legs carried them as fast as humanly possible.

"Another one…" I mumbled aloud, watching them disappear into the smoke.

Then I heard it.

"Idiot! What the hell are you doing?"

Gan Ning's voice reached me before his hand did, grabbing me by the arm and jerking me toward him. His face was sweaty and smudged with ashes—along with the rest of him, for that matter.

"What the fuck are you laughing at at a time like this?" The pirate demanded, shaking my frame. "Dipshit!"

"You look terrible," I snorted, unable to control the sudden burst of laughter. Was this my way of releasing all the stress that I'd accumulated? Was I really _that _worried about this asshole? And here he was, all along, in one piece. Some part of me was furious—what right did he have to make me so worried?—but the other part of me was relieved. "You okay?" I asked, righting myself again.

"Shut up and move!" Gan Ning hissed. He yanked my arm and pulled me by my wrist behind him as he ran. "Stupid bastard, does it look like I'm dead? I'm fine!"

"Well _excuse me_ for asking," I snapped back.

Did I _really_ just risk my life to come find this ungrateful whelp?

"Why the hell are you out here, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be protecting Sun Quan?"

"I was—" _worried_.

Like hell if I was about to tell him that.

"Just wanted to make sure you hadn't kicked the bucket yet," I replied, shouting to be heard over the roar of the fire (which had gotten _much_ closer since I first stepped on the ships).

Gan Ning said nothing as we crossed onto the second boat. I was just starting to wonder what was eating him when a sudden cracking caught my attention. Glancing up, the main mast was engulfed in flames and about to fall.

Right on top of us.

"_Move_!" The pirate shouted, yanking my wrist again and pulling me forward. Once I was in front of him, he wasted no time in shoving my back with all his might. I stumbled ungracefully onto the ship floor, quickly looking back as the mast crashed down into the boat.

"Gan Ning!" I cried out, the smoke from the fall stinging my eyes. My throat burned beyond comparison as I shouted again, "_Gan Ning_!"

No way… There was no way he just—to save me—that he… He hadn't just…

My mind numbed. I knew the ship was starting to sink, but I couldn't move. This wasn't real—this wasn't actually happening. I came all the way out here to see if he's okay—and he was—and now he's… He's…

_Oh gods—I just—I killed Gan Ning… He's dead._

He's dead.

Something stung my eyes—something other than the smoke. My breathing hitched. Oh, gods…oh, _gods_… Gan Ning was…

Then something began to appear in the smoke. His ghost? I deserved it—I deserved to be haunted. But—even through my blurred vision—it looked to solid to be a ghost…

"Get up," the pirate shouted, grabbing underneath my arm and pulling me to my feet. "I almost get crushed to save your lanky ass and you just sit around?"

"Gan Ning—" My voice cracked; I could hardly believe my eyes. The stupid bastard—he was alive!

"In case you haven't noticed, princess, our ship is sinking," he said, tone and smile sarcastic. "Unless you want to drown, I suggest we get moving."

Without waiting for a reply, he grabbed my wrist again and started running. I stared at the back of his head the entire time in disbelief. I had been convinced the bastard was dead—it looked like the beam fell _right on top of him_. But here he was, as calm as if nothing had happened in the first place. Various contradicting emotions overwhelmed me.

I wanted to punch him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to strangle him.

Stopping suddenly, I yanked him back. Without regard for later consequences—or realizing the full extent as to exactly what I was about to do—I grabbed the back of Gan Ning's head and kissed him.

It was brief, but probably too forceful and serious than I had intended for it to be… Releasing my hold on the pirate, I used my now free hand to shove him back.

Reality had kicked back in.

_Fuck—what did I just _do_?_

Gan Ning's expression was dumbstruck: jaw slacked and eyes wide. He stared at me, trying to formulate a coherent sentence, when (possessed by my embarrassment) I grabbed his wrist and started to run.

"The ships _are_ sinking, in case you forgot," I said over my shoulder. I was grateful for the smoke now: this way the pirate couldn't see how flushed my face was.

"What was _that_?" Gan Ning asked, finally regaining his ability to speak. I wished he hadn't.

I shrugged and let go of his wrist. "Spur of the moment."

"So you kissed me?" Now his voice sounded cocky.

"I don't know why I did that." And that wasn't even much of a lie—if even one at all. It was just some weird, sick, spur-of-the-moment thing and I cannot fathom _what_ possessed me to do it.

The pirate snorted. "Figures. You're always like this."

Deciding to let that go (though it still pissed me off), the two of us continued in silence. I made sure to keep an eye out for any more falling masts—no way I was about to go through _that_ again. It felt like we'd never get off the stupid boats, and when we finally did, I ran over to the nearest patch of grass and rolled onto my back and closed my eyes. Solid land with no falling masts or cracking hulls or breaking boards. _Perfect_.

My head was spinning, probably from a combination of smoke, heat, exhaustion, and being around Gan Ning for too long. And there was a throbbing pain starting to form in the back of my skull…

_Nothing but fun times…_

The stupid pirate sat down beside me; I noticed I didn't hear any bells. Cracking an eye open, I glanced over at him. Sure enough, his signature accessory was no longer strapped around his torso.

"Hey."

He looked over at me. "Hm?"

"You seem to have lost your bells," I said, nodding at his chest.

Gan Ning looked down at his bare torso and shrugged. "Eh, looks like it. You'll just have to buy me some new ones."

"Excuse me?"

"If you hadn't been playing the damsel in distress, I wouldn't have lost my bells," he informed me with a smirk. "Also, that's the second time I've saved your lanky ass. You really owe me now."

I snorted. "Yeah. Have you noticed that every time you 'save' me, you're the reason I'm put in danger in the first place?"

The pirate cocked an eyebrow and cupped his chin in his hand, resting his elbow on his knee. "Mind explaining that, princess?"

"First time you 'saved my lanky ass': you were fighting Huang Gai and needed help," I began, holding up a finger. "So, I step in to lend you a hand. You blind me with your weapon and I get knocked off a cliff."

"And I save you," he was quick to add, grinning. I rolled my eyes and went on.

"Second time: just now," I raised another finger. "You're out fighting recklessly and haven't reported in. I go out to make sure you're okay. _We_ almost get crushed by a giant mast and you shove me out of the way—"

"And I save you," Gan Ning said again. "And I lose my bells in the process. So, you owe me new ones."

"You're missing the point," I said, trying to keep calm. "_You're_ the reason I go out of my way in the first place."

Gan Ning pursed his lips, going into his "thoughtful" look. I decided to keep quiet and let him mull over whatever was going on in that thick head of his. When he finally spoke, though, his tone was uncharacteristically serious. "So…if you claim you hate me so much, why did you come out to see if I was alright?"

My smart-ass reply melted on my lips. Here I was, about to insult the same man whose death (or, really, what I _thought_ was his death) had shaken me up so badly earlier. I'd assumed he was dead, and in those moments, I probably would have given my left leg to see his usual cocky grin. I…actually didn't want him to die. Despite it all—how he murdered my father and drove me insane—I didn't want Gan Ning dead. Not anymore, anyway.

So, why was I so quick to belittle him again?

_Old habits die hard, I guess_…_but still_…

I sat up and looked over at Gan Ning; he was _really_ sitting right next to me—but that was beside the point. That twinge from earlier—that stinging sensation in my eyes… Some masochistic part of me wanted to look at his face. It was still just as dirty (if not even more so) and unusually sullen. I didn't like it. He was always so cocky and happy and just full of _zest_, but the Gan Ning next to me seemed almost lifeless.

Was this topic that serious to him?

Biting down on my lower lip, I tried to figure out how to reply. "I was…worried about you," I said, averting my gaze. It felt like all the blood in my body has rushed to my face. Damn it, why was I saying this, anyway?

"Huh," was the unphased response I received. I was about to turn and snap at him when a hand cupped my chin. With surprising gentleness, Gan Ning turned my head and forced me to look at him. His eyes were half-lidded and dull; it bothered me.

"Why don't you like me?"

* * *

**A/N:** Hopefully this chapter makes it up to you guys! What with Gan Ning not being in the last one at all and stuff… Oh, and I know I said there might be a kiss here (and there was, I guess, but it was _so_ small I don't count it), but I beat around the bush again…

I'm pretty sure it'll be in the next chapter, though ;D

**Question: **Do you guys think I'm moving Gan Ning/Ling Tong's relationship along too fast? I'm never sure as to how fast/slow to make these things…

I want to give a very special thank you to **tsukiko3000**, **Niouyuki**, **Red Queen of Spades**, **Vovo**, **InvaderYi**, and **Koko**. All of you have been so nice to me ^-^; I really appreciate it! And I truly appreciate your feedback, too. If you ever have any suggestions, I'll see what I can do about adding them into the story!

Thanks for reading!

(PS: Everyone go read **Vovo**'s "_Shaky Ground_" story! It's great fun, and the ending is so beautiful ^-^)


	11. t r o u b l e

**Word Count: **3,006

* * *

t r o u b l e

* * *

"Why don't you like me?"

I blinked.

What?

"You're too straightforward sometimes, you know that?" I said, forcing a chuckle. Maybe I could try to lighten the situation and avoid the question at the same time. This _really_ wasn't a conversation I wanted to have—ever.

Gan Ning jerked my chin forward. "Answer the question."

"I never said I don't like you," I replied, mirroring his low tone of voice.

"That doesn't mean anything."

My eyebrows furrowed at his statement. What the hell was his game, anyway?

"Before," Gan Ning began, his gaze still locked on my own, "when we were almost crushed by that mast… When I came back to help you up, it looked like you were about to cry." My heart froze. "You must've thought I was dead, right? So why would you mourn over someone you don't like?

"And then you kissed me," he went on; my chance to reply cut off. "_You_ kissed _me_. I didn't initiate it, but you shoved me away like I did." His brow drew together and a stern expression crossed his features. I was positive I had stopped breathing at this point. "I just don't get you… Do you like me or not?"

I swallowed thickly. "I told you," I said, speaking slow in an attempt to buy myself some time. My thoughts were in a heated jumble; there was no way anything coherent or non-consequential was going to come out of my mouth. "I was worried about you."

Gan Ning's expression didn't falter, not for a second. It felt like he was looking right through me—like I couldn't hide anything even if I wanted to. I'd never felt so vulnerable before in my life. "Do you usually worry about people you don't like?"

The sick, twisted feeling from before—from when I thought the bastard was dead—started to work its way back as I recalled the memory. My stomach felt as though it was filling up with acid; something stung my eyes again. Did I forget to blink? Yeah—that must've been it. But…the _feeling _in my gut…it seemed to burn its way up to my heart.

It ached. It ached and I thought he had died. I was convinced I'd never see his face again—that we'd never have a conversation again, no matter how menial. In those few moments, I thought Gan Ning was dead and I felt…devastated.

But here he was now—here _we_ were now, talking about something so strange. Yes, I'd kissed him. Yes, I was probably about to cry when I thought he'd died. So…so what was making this so difficult?

"I thought you were dead," I blurted. "I thought you were dead and I—I was just glad you weren't."

Gan Ning's lips quirked into a half-smile. "Heh… That's funny, coming from you of all people."

"You were an idiot," I said, a surge of anger welling up inside me. My eyes narrowed and I grabbed his wrist (the one he was using to hold my chin), squeezing it as I spoke. "You were a complete idiot for going out that far all by yourself. What would you've done if something serious happened? If you'd gotten hurt? You _ass_! You selfish _ass_! I was actually worried and you couldn't give a damn about anyone other than yourself."

The pirate was full-out smiling at me now, and _oh_, that pissed me off. My heart was ready to leap out of my throat as I drew another breath to continue my onslaught.

But then he kissed me.

At first I was _furious_. What gave him the goddamn right to cut me off like that? But some part of me was…glad. Happy, almost. Earlier—and I can't believe I actually had this thought at all—I was afraid I'd never have the chance to do this again. And this wasn't a stupid kiss like the one I'd (accidentally) given him; it was a real one, like the first he'd forced on me in the corridor, though this was surprisingly more gentle.

I thought Gan Ning had died before. But he hadn't. And here he was…and I was relieved. So, maybe I could…

Gan Ning tilted his head and moved in for another kiss, drawing my lower lip between his teeth and nipping at it ever so softly. My hands found their way to his mop of blond locks, fingers entwining between strands and giving them a small squeeze. His own hand drifted along my jaw as he kissed me again, the other snaking up behind my back, his nails clawing into my shoulder-blade. I groaned.

Another kiss after small, lingering kiss. I squeezed his hair harder, hoping he'd get the hint to move a little faster.

The pirate's tongue ghosted over the seam of my lips. Everything felt very warm; I lost sense of myself for a good minute. Gan Ning wasted no time in slipping his tongue into my mouth—_nn_, gods… I gave a shameless moan as one of his hands began palming my groin.

I broke from our kiss to hiss a warning, but the "_don't_" died on my lips as he suddenly squeezed—oh,_ fuck. _This was starting to go too far—and he squeezed my groin again. I choked, moaned into his open mouth.

His lips moved from my own to the side of my neck; I tilted my head to accommodate him. Gan Ning nipped, sucked, and licked his way along the length of the exposed skin, spending more time on some areas to see if he'd hit a soft spot.

"_Ah_," I hissed aloud as his tongue ghosted over an especially sensitive area of skin; it was just above the scarf I wore. My actions didn't go unnoticed: I was positive I could feel Gan Ning smirk against my skin. He moved his tongue back over it and began to tease the area, sucking and licking with vigor.

I really had no idea as to why it was so sensitive—but _damn it_, when he kept running his tongue over the same spot over and over… I was sure it would leave a mark.

"Stop," I whispered raggedly, breathless. "Gan Ning—stop it, please." I was virtually begging at this point, between his hand groping and teasing my groin (which was getting uncomfortably hard at this point) and his tongue molesting the weak spot on my neck. "Gan Ning," I panted, "stop—you're taking this too far."

But he wouldn't stop.

I slipped my hands from his hair and placed them on his bare chest. Like last time, he almost seemed to purr into the touch. Trying to will the fog from my head, I shoved him off as best I could. Gan Ning rolled back and caught himself, pausing to cast me a dirty look. I was _extremely _pissed that he hadn't stopped when I'd asked him to, so, I did the first thing that came to mind. I leaned forward and punched him square in the jaw.

"_Fuck!_" Gan Ning howled, cradling the side of his face and sprawling onto his back. "Just what the fuck is _wrong_ with you? You're like a goddamn schizophrenic or something!"

"So stop the next time I ask you to," I snapped, getting to my feet. "Pushy bastard…"

He promptly sat himself up, shooting a dark glare in my direction. "I really don't fucking get you, you know that?" The acidity of his tone _really _pissed me off.

"Good," I spat. "Don't try to." And with that said, I decided to leave. I did my job—the stupid asshole was still alive. He could walk back to camp by himself; I wasn't about to hold his hand and guide him back like a child.

"Hey! Don't you turn your back on me!"

He sounded angry. I smiled and kept walking. The sound of his footsteps reached my ears—I figured he was running to catch up, so I didn't think much about it.

I was wrong.

Gan Ning grabbed my shoulders and the next thing I knew, my face was in the dirt and the stupid—_heavy—_bastard was laying on my back. I coughed, trying to regain the wind that had been knocked out of my lungs.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" I snarled.

The pirate shoved my face into the ground. "What's your problem? Why do you keep pulling this shit on me?"

"Get the hell off me!" I tried to pull myself out from underneath him, but the bastard only pressed his chest against my back. The warmth of the contact reminded me of the uncomfortable twitching that still lingered in my groin from earlier.

_Ah, hell_…

"Why do you run away after every time I kiss you?" He demanded, his hot breath ghosting over my ear. I fought the urge to shiver.

"Maybe if you'd _get off me _I could give you an answer. I can't exactly _breathe_ right now," I snapped back. "You're heavy."

With a frustrated grunt, Gan Ning slid off me. I wasted no time in getting to my feet, turning to cast him an icy look. As soon as I turned my head, though, I was met with something I didn't expect.

Gan Ning's fist in my face.

I staggered back, reeling from the pain that shot up from my jaw. Dirty bastard hit me in the same place I hit him! Talk about uncreative. I cradled my jaw with my hand, a coppery tang pouring over my taste-buds.

_Fuck… I bit my tongue._

"What are you running from?" Gan Ning asked, tone low and unusually serious.

My eyes narrowed as my body trembled with anger. "You want me to stop 'running'? Then fine! How's this?" I leapt forward and wrapped my hands around his neck, knocking him onto his back. His hands locked onto my wrists, but it was too late—I already had him pinned. He began writhing underneath me as I tightened my grip on his neck.

"You killed my father!" I said, my voice laced with acid. I made sure he was looking at me as I continued. "You killed my father—did you forget that? And you piss me off! _God_, you piss me off!"

"Ling Tong!"

That voice…

"Ling Tong, _get off him_!"

My head snapped back in time to see Lu Meng running toward us, his horse not too far off. His expression was _furious_.

_Oh, shit._

Quickly, I leapt off of Gan Ning and stepped away. The pirate rubbed his neck gingerly; I could see I'd left a mark. I…really hadn't intended to. Actually—what did I _think_ I was going to do, squeezing his neck like that? I'd completely lost control of myself…

And Lu Meng had seen the entire thing.

"Just what the hell do you two think you're doing?" The elder strategist demanded as he approached. He stormed right past me (though not without chilling my very soul with his dark stare) and over toward Gan Ning. "Are you alright?"

The pirate nodded and coughed. "No big deal."

Then Lu Meng cracked him in the back of the head, no restraint whatsoever. I stared in disbelief.

_What_…_?_

"Yowch!" Gan Ning recoiled.

"Don't think you're the victim here!" Lu Meng barked. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen him so angry. It was…scary, actually. "I saw you punch Ling Tong." Then he turned to me; I froze. "And you… What were you doing? Were you trying to kill Gan Ning?"

I stammered. "What? No—Lord Lu Meng—I swear I wasn't—"

"I thought you came out here to make sure he was okay," Lu Meng said. His tone was both disappointed and stern; I was suddenly very ashamed of myself. "And yet I find you two out here fighting. What am I supposed to think?" He reached down and grabbed Gan Ning's arm, pulling him up to his feet. "Come on, we're leaving. I'll decide your punishment later."

Gan Ning and I followed behind him, neither of us willing to lift our gazes higher than our feet. My heart was pounding inside my chest, my limbs felt numb. Honestly, for the life of me, I couldn't remember the last time Lu Meng had been this angry—at me, at least. And even with Gan Ning. Sure, he'd smack the pirate in the back of the head after an insolent comment, but never _that_ hard. I kinda figured Lu Meng had a soft spot for the pirate…but he still cracked him in the back of the head like that?

So…what kind of punishment would _I_ get?

* * *

Lu Meng told Lord Sun Quan about the fight Gan Ning and I had. If it wasn't bad enough getting lectured by Lu Meng, it was _horrible_ receiving the same disappointed look from our lord. Lord Zhou Yu seemed let down by the news, too. It wasn't like we _murdered_ someone, yet we were getting equivalent treatment to such an act.

My conscience was killing me. Not just because my superiors were unhappy with my actions (and that's quite the understatement), but I kept reliving that moment where I had my hands around Gan Ning's throat.

_"You killed my father—did you forget that? And you piss me off! _God_, you piss me off!"_

It wasn't so much what I said but _how_ I said it—the way it came out. Lu Meng's misinterpretation was completely understandable: it looked like I was trying to kill Gan Ning. And maybe part of me was. Maybe, despite how devastated I'd felt at the thought of his death, my subconscious still wanted him dead…

He hadn't spoken to me since. And now, here we sat, waiting for our punishment. I was surprised anyone left us alone together after that. But…maybe they knew just how painfully awkward it would be. It felt like punishment enough, anyway.

Gan Ning sat a chair on the left side of the room, directly across from me. His arms were crossed and his head turned away, like he didn't even want to look in my general direction. My chest twinged.

It was early into the morning—and I mean _early_. We'd just got back from Chibi, and after our thorough lecture from Sun Quan, Gan Ning and I were sent here to await our punishment. My muscles burned with fatigue and my eyelids felt unnaturally heavy, but I wouldn't be getting any sleep anytime soon.

My gaze drifted back over to Gan Ning. He didn't _look_ angry—he wasn't scowling or pouting or anything. Rather, he looked…deep in thought.

_I wonder what could he be thinking about? Our punishment? How much he can't stand me now, maybe? Maybe he regrets having saved my life…twice._

Was this how I repaid the man who I owed my life to? (Regardless of the fact he was basically the reason I was in needless danger in the first place).

My father would be ashamed of me.

I lifted a hand and covered my eyes. That thought was worse than any number of lectures from Lu Meng and Sun Quan combined.

_I can't disappoint him. Not now…especially not in his death._

The door to the room suddenly flew open. Moving my hand back to my side, the first thing my eyes locked on to were Gan Ning's.

He had been staring at me.

However, my gaze quickly took in Lu Meng's figure entering the room, quietly shutting the door behind him. He seemed much more relaxed than he had earlier. Maybe we'd get off easy…

"Ling Tong. Gan Ning." He looked at both of us as he said our names. I gulped. "As punishment for your behavior at Chibi, starting today you will be in charge of cleaning the dungeons for the next two weeks."

Gan Ning's hands moved to the arms of his chair as though he was about to stand up and protest. A quick glare from Lu Meng, however, and he remained silent—and seated.

"Also," the elder strategist continued, "Lord Sun Quan will soon be hosting a ball to celebrate our victory at Chibi. Ling Tong, as punishment, you are not allowed to attend."

I blinked. Why would he only mention _my _name?

"Gan Ning, you will be forced to attend."

The pirate sputtered. "What! Old man, come on—you know I _hate_ shit like that—!"

"And that is precisely why I am making your attendance mandatory," Lu Meng replied.

"Great," Gan Ning scoffed, falling back into his seat and crossing his arms once again. "When is the stupid thing, anyway?"

"In three days time," Lu Meng said. "But that's not all. Also starting tomorrow, you'll each be assigned to help a fellow Wu officer. Ling Tong, you're being assigned to Lu Xun." I swear I could almost _feel_ the hate emanating off Gan Ning at this. Part of me wanted to smile. "And Gan Ning, you're assigned to Ding Feng. Both of you will do whatever is asked of you without complaint or hesitation. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir," I replied.

"Yeah, yeah…" the pirate grumbled. He was pouting.

Lu Meng nodded. "Good. Now, go get some rest. You start cleaning the dungeons first thing in the morning."

"Isn't it morning already?" Gan Ning asked, not even bothering to hide his irritated tone.

"You can start working now if you're so eager," Lu Meng countered, his brow furrowing.

_Shut up, Gan Ning,_ I thought angrily, trying to send the message over to the pirate. _Shut the hell up so we can go get some damn sleep_…

Gan Ning shrugged. "Fine. I told you before, there'll be plenty of time to sleep when we're all dead."

"Fine, then." Lu Meng turned and opened the door. "Both of you, follow me."

I sighed. _Gan Ning, you _really _couldn't keep your mouth shut for a few minutes, could you?_

I just wanted to go to bed, but now I'd be spending my entire morning with Gan Ning…

My life sucked.

* * *

**A/N: **Aaaaaand there's another half-assed chapter ending~ Seems like I'm pretty good at those ._.  
I also seem to have gotten into the habit of updating every 2/3 days… I wonder how long this will last?

Sorry that this chapter was a little longer than usual. I got a bit carried away…

And about _next_ chapter…that'll be the one with a cross-dressed Ling Tong. How, you might ask, since he's banned from attending? Well, let's just say Gan Ning's clever when he knows what he wants… ;D

I'd like to give a special thanks to **Somniyo**, **Vovo**, **Megumi Kei**, **Niouyuki**, and **Red Queen of Spades** for leaving reviews! I'm glad to hear you guys don't think I'm moving the relationship too fast ^-^; I say this every chapter, but I truly appreciate your feedback. Also, Red Queen of Spades, I hope this chapter 11 didn't disappoint you! Or any of you, for that matter. :3

Thanks, as always, for reading!


	12. p l a n

**Word Count: **2,885

* * *

p l a n

* * *

The dungeons were the way I thought they would be: dark, cold, and musty. But I _never_ would have imagined they would be as filthy as they were. I mean, sure, they're dungeons, but I thought Lord Sun Quan was pretty meticulous when it came to cleanliness.

It was ridiculous.

Gan Ning and I stared into the open cell, the hideous smell overwhelming our senses (or at least mine, at any rate; maybe the pirate had smelled worse). I bit down on my lower lip and tried not to gag.

"Well, here we are," Lu Meng said blandly. "You two better start working: I promised Lu Xun and Ding Feng that you'd be available by noon."

"Old man, this is stupid," Gan Ning said, dropping his bucket onto the floor and spilling half his water in the process. "I think I'd almost rather go to five hundred stupid balls instead of clean. I don't do menial shit like this anymore."

"You do now," the strategist replied. He tossed a scrub rag at Gan Ning's head and another to me. I caught mine, whereas the pirate let it slap him in the face. "Clean."

Gan Ning removed the rag from his face and scoffed. "Heh, you gonna stand there the whole time and watch, old man?"

Lu Meng nodded. "Do I have any reason to trust you two alone?"

I sighed. "Come on, Gan Ning. The sooner we start, the sooner we're done."

"Pah," he scoffed again. "Cleaning's woman's work."

"I'll make you wear a dress next time, then," Lu Meng was quick to reply. His tone was still drier than usual and it only helped make me feel even guiltier.

With a slew of complaints mumbled under his breath, Gan Ning stepped into the cell and started to clean. Begrudgingly—and with an increasing headache—I followed behind.

My body was still screaming with fatigue as I scrubbed the cell floor as hard as I could (which wasn't very hard at all, considering the lack of sleep I'd gotten). Cleaning something _this_ dirty would have been hard enough on it's own without being so damn tired to begin with. And since nobody was talking, the time went by painfully slow—and I mean _painfully_. We only managed to clean two and a half cells before Lu Meng cleared his throat.

"Alright boys," he began, stretching his limbs, "time to move on to the next part of your punishment. Leave the cleaning supplies behind and follow me."

Gan Ning threw his rag to the ground and let out a long, exaggerated groan. "'Bout damn time! I was almost ready to kill myself. Fucking cleaning shit…"

I rolled my eyes and forced back a laugh. It was funny to see the bastard so worked up, especially since it wasn't because of _me_ for once.

"Come on," Lu Meng said; he was already at the foot of the stairs leading out. I quickly followed behind, eager to leave the disgusting smell of the dungeon behind.

Once again, it was dead, awkward silence as Lu Meng lead the way through the castle. I couldn't help but notice Gan Ning studying his hands out of the corner of my eye.

"Something wrong?" I asked, forcing a bored tone of voice. "You lose a finger or something? Or did you just realize you have hands?"

"Fuck," the pirate grumbled, turning his hands over again. "They look like fucking prunes."

"Gan Ning, watch your language," Lu Meng warned over his shoulder.

I rolled my eyes again. The sound of a conversation reached my ears, and as we rounded the corner I saw who the voices belonged to.

"Lord Lu Meng!" Ding Feng was the first to greet us. "I'm glad you finally arrived. Lu Xun and I thought we'd lost our honorary servants." He looked at Gan Ning and I and laughed. The skinny strategist flashed me an apologetic smile.

"Sorry about the wait," Lu Meng said. "Anyway, as promised, these two will be at your beck and call for the next two weeks."

Lu Xun smiled and stepped forward. "This will be fun, though, won't it?"

The elder strategist scratched the back of his head and sighed. "Maybe you weren't the best choice for this… You'll probably let Ling Tong off easy…"

Gan Ning gave a bitter snort. "Bet that's not all he'll do…"

I elbowed him in the ribs and hissed under my breath, "Shut up."

"Alright then," Ding Feng nodded. "Gan Ning and I will move through our chores like a raging torrent, but we shall go about them with the grace of a nimble butterfly and set an example for all."

I had to bite down on my tongue to keep myself from laughing out loud. Gan Ning pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Yeah…"

"Master Ling Tong?" Lu Xun said. He was looking at my throat with the strangest expression on his face.

"Um, yes?"

"What…is that red mark on your neck?" He asked, innocent puppy-dog eyes glistening.

_…Damn it._

Blood surged to my face as Gan Ning let out a round of guffaws, slapping his knee and doubling over in the process. Quickly, I lifted a hand to where I thought the spot would be. I _knew _Gan Ning was going to leave a mark! I'd completely forgotten about it—and Lu Xun had just (unknowingly) called me out on it.

"I-it's nothing," I lied, adjusting my scarf so it would cover the mark. For the love of—_how _did shit like this always seem to happen to me? Thankfully Lu Xun was too naïve to know what the spot actually was, but would the other two say anything about it?

"Gan Ning," Lu Meng said, looking almost as confused as Lu Xun, "what on earth is so funny?"

The pirate wiped the tears from his eyes as he righted himself, still clutching his stomach. I wanted to smack him. "Ah—aha… Ha… N-nothing, old man. N—hah ha… Nothing." Our gazes met for a brief second, and then his laughing started anew.

…I am _seriously_ going to kill that bastard.

* * *

Lu Xun and I headed to the library, which was even more dauntingly massive than usual (and that was probably due to the fact we were in charge of reorganizing all of the documents). My heart sank as I realized just how painstaking the task would be.

_I wonder what Ding Feng has Gan Ning doing? Hopefully it's something labor-intensive that wears the bastard out, _especially _after his insane laughter earlier._

"Master Ling Tong?"

"Eh?"

"This way, please," Lu Xun said with a warm smile. I hadn't realized I'd stopped walking.

Following the skinny strategist into the back of the library, my eyes tried to take in everything at once. There were boxes and books and scrolls just about everywhere: on tables, on shelves, on chairs, on the floor.

"If you don't mind me asking," I began, "how come they stuck you with a job like this? You didn't do anything to get in trouble, did you?"

Lu Xun chuckled and shook his head. "No, I didn't. Lords Zhou Yu and Lu Meng thought this would be a good way for me to get better acquainted with all the strategy records we have."

"But…there has to be thousands of documents in here. Do they really expect you to look at them all?"

The little strategist looked thoughtful for a moment, stepping over to the large desk by the window. "No, I don't think that's the point of the assignment."

I arched a brow. "What is it, then? Diligence or something?"

"Something to that extent." He smiled.

"So, uh…what do you want me to?" I asked, suddenly finding it hard to look him in the eye.

"Are you tired…Gongji?"

I blinked, surprised to hear the question—and just as surprised to hear the kid finally use my style name. "Why would you ask that?" I tried to make light of it and smiled.

Lu Xun's gaze fell to the scroll he'd just picked up, studying it as he spoke. "Well, I heard Lord Lu Meng didn't let you or Master Gan Ning sleep last night, and you'd just gotten back from your battle at Chibi, so…" He looked up and flashed a genuine smile. I felt like a creep. "You must be tired then. I'm worried about you exhausting yourself."

Man, did I feel like a creep or what…? I mean, I guess I didn't really do anything to _feel _like this, but… I just felt bad. Was it because I'd kissed Gan Ning? …A few times? I shivered at the thought.

"Are you cold, Gongji?"

"Er, no…" I suddenly felt rather awkward. "So, what would you have me do?"

"Well," Lu Xun set the scroll down and wandered around the desk, stopping when he stood directly in front of me. I never realized how much taller I was than him until now. "Lord Lu Meng said you'd do whatever you were told without complaint, so…"

I swallowed thickly. Was the kid gonna let this power go to his head? He seemed too innocent to ask for anything—_sexual_ (much unlike Gan Ning, who would probably use this power—if he ever had it—to make me do any number of disgusting things).

"Therefore," he continued; I held my breath. "My first task for you is to get some rest."

"I—you just… _What_?" I stammered, probably looking thoroughly dumbfounded. "A-are you sure? Lu Xun, I can't—this is supposed to be _punishment—_"

He held up a finger to silence me. I quickly stopped talking. "It's dangerous to try and work when your body isn't well-rested. And Lord Lu Meng said I was allowed to give you any orders I want to." Lu Xun smiled and tilted his head to the side. Gods—with those big brown eyes of his, too—it was like looking at the picture of innocence.

I heaved a defeated sigh, knowing better than to try and fight against that expression of his. "Alright… But I'll just take a quick nap. I'm going to help you tackle this mountain of work, Lu Xun."

"Boyan," he said, his smile infallible. "Please…call me Boyan."

I smiled despite myself. That always seemed to happen when I was around Lu Xun: his smile was infectious. "Alright, Boyan."

As I found a spot to take my nap (out of view, of course, in case Lu Meng came around to check), I felt a smug grin tugging at the corners of my lips. Gan Ning was probably working his ass off and I was about to nap.

Sometimes, karma worked wonderfully.

* * *

I felt something…like…tapping? Was someone tapping me? It was so hard to open my eyes… Was I still dreaming?

"…ji…time…"

My head felt like it weighed a ton and was covered in fog. I tried to force my eyes open as my hearing slowly starting to come in.

"…up now, Gong… Lu Meng…"

I jolted suddenly at the mention of that name—it sent red flags off like crazy. "Lu Meng!" I gasped. "Oh, shit—is he here? He'll kill me—"

There was soft laughter. I glanced up to see Lu Xun standing above me, his usual smile perched on his lips. "No, not yet, Gongji. He'll be on his way soon, though, so I thought I'd wake you up."

"Soon?" I repeated, rather confused. A quick glance around the library, however, and I knew I'd taken _much_ more than a short nap; it was already dusk. "Ah, hell!" I groaned, smacking a hand to my forehead. "Lu Xun, I'm really sorry—I didn't think I'd just pass out like that. I didn't do anything…"

The strategist waved a dismissive hand. "Please don't worry too much about it. I ordered you to rest and you did."

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

He tilted his head to the side again and flashed a smile—the kind of smile that made someone's eyes sparkle. Something in my chest twinged at the sight. "You looked so peaceful when you were sleeping…I didn't have the heart to wake you."

I felt a small blush spread across my cheeks. "Er, well… I still feel bad about it."

"Come on," he said, extending a hand, "you'd better get up. Lord Lu Meng will be here any minute." (I'd managed to fall asleep against a wall—which, in hindsight, _probably_ wasn't the smartest idea).

Taking his hand, I let the small strategist help me to my feet. And not a second too soon, either; I heard the library doors swing open…followed by a loud, obnoxious voice that sent chills down my spine.

"C'mon, princess!" The pirate called as he made his way through the room. "Our first day of bullshit is over."

I cocked an eyebrow and sighed. "Why the hell are you here to come get me? You think we're gonna hang out like old pals now or something?"

He shrugged. I noticed patches of dirt caked onto his bear chest; I had to fight back the urge to grin.

"What happened? Did you fall into a hole in the ground or something?" I laughed, unable to bite my tongue on this one. "You really look terrible."

The pirate narrowed his eyes. "Oh yeah?"

"Master Gan Ning," Lu Xun interrupted, "do you where Lord Lu Meng is?"

"Huh?" The pirate looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, the old man? He's talking with Ding Feng, said he'll be here soon. Anyway," he went on, shifting his gaze back to me, "we're supposed to go meet him first."

I rolled my eyes. "What, he sent _you_ to escort me?"

"Mhm, now move that lanky ass of yours," he said, slapping me on the ass. I gasped in surprise. "The sooner we meet up with the old man, the sooner I get some damn food."

"_Don't—_" I snarled, holding a finger up to his face, "_ever_ do that again."

Gan Ning smiled confidently. It made my blood boil. "Then move."

"Please…try to get along," Lu Xun said.

Lifting a hand up, I ran it through my hair and sighed. "Fine… I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Lu Xun."

The little strategist flashed an innocent smile. "See you tomorrow, Master Ling Tong. Have a good evening—you too, Master Gan Ning."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the pirate grumbled as he stalked out of the library. I gave Lu Xun a shrug and followed the bastard out. "You two sure seem to be getting chummy," he commented.

I snorted. "What, are you jealous?"

"Never said that," Gan Ning replied, his tone completely flat… I really don't know why it bothered me so much when it was like that. "Anyway, I think I've figured out a way for you to repay me—since, you know, I saved your ass _twice_."

_Oh shit… This could go any number of ways. _My pulse began to speed up at the thought.

"I was talkin' to the old man about that dance or whatever the hell it is," Gan Ning started, "and apparently I need a date."

I laughed—both from nervousness and out of relief. "Sorry to remind you, Gan Ning, but I'm not allowed to attend. Lu Meng's orders."

The grin he had on his face when he looked at me sent chills down my spine—it seemed almost…_demonic_. "He said you couldn't go as a _man_."

"Wh-_what_? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know, we'll just dress you up as a woman—you've got a feminine enough face—and give you a different name," he said nonchalantly, as though we were talking about the weather. "And you've got long hair, too, so it works out pretty well, if you ask me. Genius, huh?"

I couldn't help but stare at him as though he'd grown a second head—and even _that_ would seem more normal compared to what had just come out of his mouth. This was…

"Might I ask _what_ gave you this twisted idea?" I said, hardly wanting to know the answer.

Gan Ning scratched his chin as he replied. "Y'know, I really gotta thank the old man for this one. This morning when we were cleaning the dungeons—after I said it was woman's work—he said '_I'll make you wear a dress next time_' or some shit like that." He paused to flash a sly smirk. I was still speechless. "So, it got me thinking… You owe me a pretty big favor, I need a date, and—I'll admit it—I'm curious to see what you look like in a dress."

"Y-you sick _bastard_!" I stammered, feeling blood surge to my face. It was suddenly very hot. "How could you _ever _think I'd agree to that?"

He waved a finger in the air and smiled. "Who was the one who saved your life twice? Hm?" Gan Ning then took a step closer, his face only inches away from mine. "It's either this or you sleep with me."

It got _very _hot just then. My limbs froze: the bastard had me cornered.

I heaved a defeated sigh, knowing there was no way in _hell_ I was about to have sex with the bastard. "I'll be your stupid date…"

* * *

**A/N: **You guys…I'm so sorry about this update. I wasn't into this chapter at all ._. I just wanted to get it done and out of the way, to be honest…You would've had it a little sooner, too, had Super Junior not made their comeback this week… I was so excited, I couldn't focus at all… x_x I'm so sorry!

Also, I said this chapter would have Ling Tong's cross-dressing…but it only had the _plan_. I should just stop babbling in these notes so I stop lying to you guys ;~; I'm so, so very sorry! Honest!

I feel terrible since you guys reviewed the last chap so quickly, and this one is a load of crap =_=; But, I still want to give a HUGE thank you to **Megumi Kei**,** Somniyo**, **Niouyuki**, **Nan Ma**, **tsukiko3000**, **Animelover6000**, **Vovo**, and **Red Queen of Spades**. Almost all of you reviewed this within the first two days! That's crazy! ;o; But thank you so much~! It makes me so happy to know you're enjoying the story (though I'd also like to apologize to those of you who think I've drawled this out…)

Also, I want to thank those of you who have favorited/marked this story for alerts. That means a lot to me, too! ^-^

Thanks for reading! I hope you guys still stick around (despite my quality-lacking updates lately…)

Ciao!


	13. d i s g u i s e

**Word Count: **3,553; **Note: **This one's much longer than usual. I'm really sorry ._.

* * *

d i s g u i s e

* * *

I didn't sleep last night.

_ Couldn't_, really, after what Gan Ning said…

_"You owe me a pretty big favor, I need a date, and—I'll admit it—I'm curious to see what you look like in a dress…_ _It's either this or you sleep with me."_

Sick, twisted bastard…

I yawned as I dropped a stack of books on a nearby desk. Day two of our punishment had started. Although, this morning in the dungeon was _much _more awkward than yesterday, and I'm pretty damn sure that was Gan Ning's fault. I couldn't shake the feeling he was imagining me in some risque dress the entire time I was cleaning… It gave me goosebumps.

"Am I working you too hard, Gongji?"

"Hm?" I glanced over my shoulder at Lu Xun, who (as usual) had a serene smile on his face. "Ah, no. I just didn't sleep well last night." _Or at all, for that matter._

He hummed in response and stepped over beside me, shuffling a bundle of scrolls. "I'm sorry to hear about that… I hoped you would've had sweet dreams," he said, his big puppy eyes staring up at me.

I blinked, completely surprised by his response—and how nonchalantly he said it. I was sure I was blushing, too. "U-uh… Thank you, Boyan."

Lu Xun nodded, the smile never leaving his face. "I'm going to put these in the back," he said, picking up the scrolls, "you can take those books and put them on that shelf over there, please."

"Sure."

As I started stacking the shelves, my thoughts started to wander—right to the little strategist who was immersed in his work. Lately, it seemed like he was suddenly _very _comfortable with calling me Gongji—something he used to have a bit of a problem with before. And he'd gotten more open, too…

_"I hoped you would've had sweet dreams."_

Now that I thought about it, that wasn't the first time Lu Xun said something so…nice. It seemed like he was always looking out for me and my health. Like the time Gan Ning and I cracked our skulls together—he'd insisted on treating my wound.

He was also the first one to check on me (and Gan Ning) after we fell through the shed…though that could've been a coincidence. And when I was recovering, Lu Xun came to check on me.

_"You're very lucky to be alive_… _Gan Ning's extra weight slowed you down so you landed in the shed. I'm very grateful to him for that."_

Suddenly, it seemed like my mind was flooded with all the times Lu Xun had been looking out for me—and I hadn't noticed.

_"Master Ling Tong, if you aren't feeling well, please don't push yourself too hard."_

_ "Are you tired_…_Gongji? _…_You must be tired, then. I'm worried about you exhausting yourself."_

_ "My first task for you is to get some rest."_

_ "You looked so peaceful when you were sleeping_…_I didn't have the heart to wake you."_

He was so thoughtful…and I'd been oblivious to it the entire time. Damn, I'm kind of an ass…

Common sense told me that—if I was picking between Lu Xun and Gan Ning (which I wasn't; this was all hypothetical, of course)—I should go with Lu Xun. He was obviously the best choice: he actually cared about my well-being, he was considerate, well-mannered, eloquent, and _not_ pushy or perverted (or a creep)… Most of all, he wasn't bound and determined to get in my pants (and if he was, I had no idea about it).

"Gongji?"

I jumped, startled by the sudden voice. Just _how_ did Lu Xun manage to sneak up on me? I honestly didn't notice him at all… Maybe it's because he's so small?

"You seem lost in thought," he said, offering a casual smile.

"I…I was, sorry," I apologized. "I should really be working more."

Lu Xun shook his head. "Oh, no. Don't worry about that, please. You're a great help to me." He rocked back on his heels and folded his hands behind his back; it reminded me of a child. "Are you nervous about the ball tomorrow?"

"Oh, that? No, not at all," I said. "I'm not allowed to go."

The little strategist blinked, looking thoroughly surprised. "What?"

"Lord Lu Meng said it was part of my punishment." I shrugged, slipping another book onto the shelf. "It doesn't bother me, really. I'm not a big fan of social events like that."

"Oh…" He mumbled. Did his voice sound…disappointed?

"Hey, Boyan."

His big brown eyes flashed back up to my own. "Yes?"

"You're very considerate of other people, aren't you?" It wasn't so much of a question as it was a fact.

He shifted his weight on his feet, pursing his lower lip. "I…suppose so, yes."

I smiled, extending a hand to ruffle his hair. "You should do something selfish for a change. It's not a crime to want to do something for yourself every now and then."

Lu Xun averted his gaze, his lips hinting a smile. I was sure I could see a light blush on his cheeks, too. "No one's ever said that to me before…"

"Well, there's a first time for everything, right? Don't spend your life trying to please everyone else—focus on your own wants and desires sometimes, too," I said. I had no idea where this sudden spew was coming from. Maybe it's because I was mulling over all the nice things the kid had done for me before…

"Um, Gongji?" Lu Xun said, his tone unusually bashful.

I withdrew my hand from his hair and returned it to my side. "Hm?"

"I…" He paused; his gaze was fixed on the floor. "I think I have something…selfish…to ask of you."

"Go for it," I replied, happy he'd accepted my advice so easily. Maybe I should try my hand at counseling—seemed like I was pretty good at it.

"Lord Lu Meng said you'd do whatever I asked…" I noticed his cheeks were slowly gaining a rosy color. "I…I want you to…ki…" He stopped, lifting a slender hand to try and cover his face. "I-I'm sorry, I can't—"

Heavens only know what possessed me in that moment, but I reached forward and brushed his hand away from his face, cupping his jaw line in my palms.

"It's okay to be selfish, Boyan," I whispered.

And then I kissed him.

The silken tenderness of his lips surprised me—and it was then I realized this was probably his first kiss.

_Better not make it half-assed, then._

I took a step forward and tilted his head up, making the kiss a little less strained. Lu Xun seemed to melt into my touch; his fingers wrapped loosely around my wrists. I cocked my own head to the side, meshing my lips into his as I went in for another kiss.

This is how it _should_ feel when you kiss someone: gentle and intimate, not rough and sloppy (like Gan Ning does it). It should feel natural, effortless.

I slowly drew back from Lu Xun's lips, lowering my hands back to my sides. His thick lashes fluttered before they opened (and I don't know why, but the sight made my chest ache). The little strategist was full-out blushing as he lifted a finger to his lower lip, slowly tracing the skin.

"Er, sorry…about that," I said, suddenly feeling _really_ awkward. What the hell made me think _that_ was a good idea? "I, um… I got carried away."

He shook his head and sheepishly met my gaze. "Thank you, Gongji…"

I nodded, trying to act casual, though my heart was pounding in my chest as one word battered around my skull.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

"We should probably get back to work," I said, forcing a nervous smile. "There's still a lot we have to do."

"Ah, right," Lu Xun nodded once. It seemed like he'd gone back to his usual self…

_Well, that was fast._

As he walked out of sight, I had to fight the overwhelming urge to bash my skull against the shelf in front of me.

_What _in the _hell _had possessed me to do that? How would kissing Lu Xun do anything but complicate the messed up situation I was already in? And now I had to spend the rest of the afternoon with him…

…I must seriously be a masochist.

* * *

Once again, it was Gan Ning who came to "pick me up" around dusk. Surprisingly (and thankfully), Lu Xun didn't act any differently as we went about the rest of our work. I figured he was either too embarrassed to or just too modest—either way, I was glad. If he'd asked me _why_ I'd kissed him…I really don't know what kind of answer I would've given him.

"Hey, princess!" The pirate shouted, making his way to the back of the library with long, quick strides. "We've got some business to take care of."

My eyes rolled as soon as he came into view. "What business could I possibly have to 'take care of' with _you_?"

He flashed a cocky smirk. "About our little agreement. You know, the one where you're—"

"_Yeah, yeah, yeah._" I quickly cut him off, earning myself a puzzled stare from Lu Xun. "Yeah, uh… Right. I remember. _That _one…" I turned back to the kid and scratched the side of my neck. "Guess I'll be leaving now."

Lu Xun nodded, offering a sincere smile. "Okay. Thank you for your hard work today, Master Ling Tong."

"No problem," I replied. I still felt awkward about earlier…

"C'mon, Tongy boy," Gan Ning grabbed my wrist before waiting for any sort of response. Impatient bastard. "We're running a tight schedule tonight."

I glared into the back of his head as he led me out of the library, yanking my hand free from his grasp as soon as we were in the corridor. "Just what the hell are we doing, anyway? The ball isn't until tomorrow."

"We've still got to work on your disguise," the pirate said with a wink that gave me goosebumps. "Lian Shi said she'd help us."

I choked on my initial response. "W-_what_? Why is she—? How would she agree to something like this!"

Gan Ning glanced over his shoulder, flashing a fox-like grin. "Looks like I'm not the only one who's curious to see what you look like in a dress."

A long, depressive groan poured from my throat. Why did it seem like everyone in this castle was twisted like this…?

"My life sucks."

"You know, this could all be avoided if you'd just have sex with me…"

"Where are we meeting Lian Shi?"

"C'mon," he said, grabbing my wrist again, "this way."

* * *

"_No way_," I growled. "There is absolutely no way I'm letting you sit in here and watch this!"

Gan Ning altered his expression into a pout. "Why not? You're my date, anyway. Why shouldn't I get an early showing?"

"_Out_," I said again, pointing to the door.

"You might as well leave, Gan Ning," Lian Shi said, her voice light and casual as always. I was just glad she seemed to me on my side for this. "It seems like Ling Tong's set on this. Besides, won't it make things all the sweeter tomorrow night when you see him dressed up for the first time?"

"You have a point…" The pirate nodded thoughtfully.

My eyebrow twitched in irritation. I was…seriously surrounded by a bunch of messed up people, wasn't I?

"Oh, but I'll need your help for _one_ little thing…" Lian Shi added, clapping her hands together.

"And what would _that_ be?" I asked. Then again, did I really even want to know?

"Your legs," she said. "Any well-kept woman would never be caught dead in a dress with hairy legs."

The laugh that erupted from Gan Ning's mouth felt like a knife to my pride.

A huge, stupid, perverted, bastardly knife.

"S-so, what?" I said, trying to fight the blush that was overcoming my face. "What're you going to do about it?"

"Wax them."

Gan Ning's laughter increased tenfold. I was _so _tempted to pick up the chair I was in and hurl it at him. "O-o-oh, _god_, this just gets better!" He managed to say between laughs, clutching his stomach. "Oh—oh man… I should've thought this up a _long_ time ago."

"Shove it," I snapped. "Let's just get this over with…"

* * *

I don't think there's _anything_ in life that's as painful as having your legs waxed. And I _know_ there's nothing more embarrassing than having to get it done in shorts that hardly cover the upper part of your thighs.

"Is there any particular reason why I have to wear these?" I asked, tugging on the fabric to try and make it cover more skin. I could feel Gan Ning's eyes crawling over my exposed thighs.

"We have to remove as much hair as possible," Lian Shi replied. "The slit on the side of your dress goes up pretty high, so we don't want to take any risks."

Gan Ning wolf-whistled. I felt the blood rush to my face. "Damn, Tongy boy. I really can't wait to see this dress of yours."

"Shut up," I hissed, seating myself in the designated chair. "I just want to get this done."

"So, what d'you want me to do?" Gan Ning asked.

"Keep him from moving around too much," Lian Shi said. My heart started racing. "If he squirms too much, we'll probably have to do this more than once."

"Got it."

I shifted uncomfortably as Gan Ning hooked his arms underneath my shoulders, wrapping them back around so he was holding the back of my skull in his palms. It felt like I was in a headlock…

The wax felt so…_creepy_ as Lian Shi spread it over my upper thigh. It was sticky and all-around awkward. I watched with increasing trepidation as she applied a long, thick strip of some weird paper to the area, running her hand over it several times. I felt Gan Ning's grip on me tighten—was he jealous?

_I really doubt she's getting a kick out of it, Gan Ning. Just calm down or you might break my neck._

"I'm going to count to three," she said. "One, two…"

"_Oh, god_!" I howled as she suddenly ripped the paper away. My back arched and my eyes stung as Gan Ning strengthened his hold on me. "Oh—my—_fuck_."

"That bad, huh?" The pirate said, speaking softly into my ear. He sounded far off, though—probably due to the fact my head was spinning with pain. "Glad it's not me."

"Y-you said on _three_," I hissed. "That was—that was two!"

Lian Shi flashed me an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, but we're not done yet. Just hang in there."

…And so the process continued.

My legs never stung so much in my life.

* * *

"So, how did you manage to get into this situation, Ling Tong?"

I sighed, watching Lian Shi smooth down the wrinkles in my dress through the reflection in the mirror. "I owed Gan Ning a favor and _this_ is what he came up with…"

She smiled. I could see her eyes admiring me—it was kind of embarrassing. "I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. I always knew you had nice features but I didn't think you could look so beautiful."

"Er, thank you," I said, trying to accept the strange compliment. After all the makeup she'd applied and all the time she'd spent on my hair, I had to admit: I actually made a beautiful woman. The dress I had on worked well with the curves of my body, too.

…No normal man should ever think that about himself…

"So, has he given you a name yet?"

"Huh?"

"Your fake name," she said, adjusting the waist of my dress. "Has Gan Ning thought up something to call you?"

"No," I replied. "At least, not that I know of. He'd probably just give me something stupid, anyway."

Lian Shi pursed her lips in thought. "How about Chun Hua?"

"Sure." I shrugged. "It doesn't really matter too much, anyway. It's just for one night…"

"You're going to have to work on that voice of yours, too," she said, snapping the choker around my neck. "This hides your Adam's apple pretty well, but when you talk you still sound like a man."

Ah, hell…I never thought about my _voice_.

My concern must've shown on my face, since Lian Shi patted me on the shoulders and smiled more sweetly than usual. "Don't worry about it too much. I'm sure Gan Ning will scare off anyone who tries to talk to you, anyway. He seems like the possessive type."

_You really have _no _idea…_

* * *

If I thought I couldn't sleep the night before, I sure as hell couldn't sleep _now_. So, I once again woke up feeling like crap. My eyes burned like hell.

_I swear, if that stupid pirate isn't satisfied with all of this when it's over, I'm going to strangle him. That's all there is to it._

Since today was the day of the ball, Gan Ning and I didn't have to do our routine of cleaning. If I hadn't been conned into cross-dressing, I would've had the entire day—and night—to myself.

_…Damn that bastard._

Having too much time to kill to even know what to do with it, I wasted my morning with a long bath and spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around the castle, taking extreme care to avoid Lu Meng, Lu Xun, and most of all, Gan Ning. I didn't want to spend any more time with him today than I already had to. But hell, I was bored. Killing time _really_ sucked.

When it was almost dusk, I made my way back to the room we'd met Lian Shi yesterday (since she agreed to help me put on my disguise). Thankfully when I got there, Gan Ning was nowhere to be seen.

_Maybe he changed his mind?_

…Could I even _be_ that lucky?

My hand hadn't even hit the door when it flew open and someone yanked me inside.

"'Bout damn time you got here."

I wanted to groan at the sound of the voice. However, the image in front of my eyes distracted me enough from doing so. I never thought I'd see the day when Gan Ning actually wore a shirt—and I had to admit, the formal outfit he had on suited him. When the pirate cleaned up, he cleaned up pretty well.

"Wow," I said, still gawking at the sight of Gan Ning fully clothed. "You actually look really good."

"'Actually?' What, are you surprised?" He snapped. "Jeez, a guy can look nice when he wants to."

Was the Great Gan Ning actually a little flustered by my comment? He was almost cute when he was embarrassed… _Almost_.

"Ah, good, you're here!" Lian Shi called from the other side of the room. She was already dressed up, too. "Come over here and we'll get you dressed Ling Tong."

"'_We_?'" I said, glaring at the pirate next to me.

He feigned an innocent expression. "What? You're _still_ not gonna let me see you naked?"

"No way in _hell_."

"Well, you can't wait outside—that will look suspicious," Lian Shi mumbled. "Hm… How about you just sit on the bed, Gan Ning? I'll draw the curtains around it."

"I swear, just one peak and this whole deal is off," I threatened, pointing a finger in his face.

"Fine, fine." He shrugged his hands and gave a sly smile. His eyes started trailing up and down my body; I wanted to shiver and throw up at the same time. "This'll be worth the wait, anyway."

* * *

I actually looked like a woman.

I mean, I had last night, too, when Lian Shi first had me try the outfit on. But I was still surprised that it actually looked _believable. _The only thing I had a problem with was my 'breasts,' since they were made out of some sort of animal stomach lining and filled with water (Lian Shi insisted this would make them more realistic, going so far as to squeeze them—while I was wearing them—to show me). Other than that and the scandalously high slit in the side of my dress (and the skimpy shorts I was forced to wear to hide any 'manly reactions'), I felt okay. I was grateful I was so tall, since that meant I wouldn't have to try and clod around in heeled shoes.

_Really, though, I shouldn't even be in this kind of situation_…

"You look stunning," Lian Shi said as she spun me around, checking for anything that might give me away.

"Thank you," I replied, still feeling unnaturally uncomfortable with the compliment. Turning back to the mirror, I waved out the fan I was holding and covered the lower-half of my face with it. I…seriously looked like a woman.

_I'll probably need some sort of therapy after this is all said and done._

As my eyes scanned over my reflection in the mirror, I caught sight of something—_someone—_behind me. My heart instantly stopped.

Gan Ning was staring at me.

* * *

**A/N: **That was seriously the ending? …Yes, sadly, it was… Please don't kill me. ;~;  
[And proofreading. What is proofreading. OTL.]

I want to apologize for how long this chapter is (and how very pointless it seems…and for how choppy it is). I wanted to get a _lot_ out of the way so the next two chapters can fit right. Something BIG is going to happen in the next 2-3 chapters! But good or bad? ;o;

Also, the thing with Lu Xun…was that too sudden? Because, after thinking about it, it would've been harder for me to try and work it in later…so I was kind of forced to throw it in now or forget about it. And I just couldn't forget about it. ;3

So! Next chapter is [_FINALLY_] the big moment…the ball!

But I can't digress any further without thanking my loyal reviewers: **Somniyo**, **Animelover6000**, **Red Queen of Spades**, **Niouyuki**, **Vovo**, and **tsukiko3000**. Thank you, thank you, thank you all _so_ much for your continuous kindness! I truly, honestly appreciate your feedback. I wouldn't update as often as I do without you! ^-^ (I'm a greedy bastard, I know ._.) But I'm still so very grateful to you all!

Last note: I'm currently working on a more serious Ning/Tong fic. I'm not sure when it will be up, since I want to spend as much time as I can on this story, but if you're interested, be on the lookout! ;D

Thanks again!

Auf Wiedersehen~!


	14. t r u t h

**Word Count: **3,954; **Note: **This one is a long one again… I'm sorry about that. ;~;

* * *

t r u t h

* * *

He just stood there, staring.

It felt like time had stopped.

_Oh, great—what if he thinks I look stupid? Or that I don't look 'womanly' enough? If he's dissatisfied after all of this—I'm honestly going to murder him. Right here and now, even._

I spun on my heels, feeling both embarrassed and pissed. Gan Ning hadn't said anything yet—his mouth was open like he was about to, but he didn't say a thing.

"Well?" I snapped; blood pooled underneath my cheeks as the room got hotter. "Aren't you going to say anything? If you're just going to stand there and gape—"

"Wow," Gan Ning finally said. Whispered, really: he sounded so breathless…and genuinely pleased. My face felt uncomfortably warm. "You look… _Wow_."

"'Wow?' All you have to say is '_wow_?' After everything I went through for this," I shot back, anger working to cover my embarrassment again. "This was _your _idea to begin with! If all you've got to say is 'wow,' then I'm leaving." Clenching the fan in my hand, I stalked past him, my focus on the door.

"Just calm down, will you?" Gan Ning grabbed my wrist and pulled me back; I was surprised to hear his tone so relaxed. His fingers moved to my shoulders as he drew me against his chest, his arms snaking around my waist. I could feel his hands sliding down to my hips. It was…too warm. "Since when is 'wow' a bad thing? You looked so good I couldn't speak." His husky whisper ghosted over my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. I could feel the pirate's hand slip between the slit on my dress, his fingers wandering over my upper thigh.

"Oh, look at you two," Lian Shi said, almost singing the words; her voice quickly drew me out of the lull Gan Ning's touch had put me in. I'd nearly forgotten she was there. "That's so sweet… I thought something like this was going on. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been together?"

I was out of Gan Ning's arms and a safe distance away before any more could be said. "There is _nothing_ going on between us," I quickly said, casting an acidic glare in the direction of the pirate. "_He _just gets carried away."

Gan Ning flashed one of his usual fox smiles. "So I get carried away and you get swept away, is that it?" He chuckled; Lian Shi giggled.

"Like hell!"

"You two should get going," Lian Shi said, her smile ever present. It was similar to one of those that said _I-know-you-two-like-each-other_. It made me uneasy. "You don't want to be late for the party, do you?"

"C'mon, princess," Gan Ning strode over and offered me his arm. I tried to glare a hole through his fat head. "Take it, will you? I'm your escort after all."

"Try to think of it like this," Lian Shi began, seeing the blatant distaste written on my face. "The more you resist against Gan Ning, the more you seem like Ling Tong. But, the more you warm up to him like a lover—" she cast me a sly smile "—the more you'll seem like Chun Hua."

She…might actually a point…

"Chun Hua?" Gan Ning blinked. "Who's that?"

"That's my fake name, you idiot," I snapped.

"Spring flower, huh?" He said, a devilish grin curling his lips. "Like a cherry blossom—so it's kind of like purity, right? Well…" he extended his hands to grip my hips, pulling himself closer, "I'll have you tainted before the night's over…"

I shoved my palm square into his chest and pushed him away. "You wish," I growled. "Besides, I think you've got your flowers mixed up.

"No more fighting, okay you two?" Lian Shi cautioned. She was ushering us to the door before I really knew what was going on. "Try to behave yourselves, and—oh, Ling Tong—don't speak unless spoken to, okay? It'll be easier that way. Have fun!" And with one final shove, she flashed us a smile and slammed the door behind us.

"Let's get going, then, my lady." Gan Ning offered me his arm again, a confident smile curling his lips. I wanted to slug him in the face.

"Bite me," I replied, my tone just as sarcastic as my smile. Reluctantly, I took the pirate's arm and let him lead me down the hall.

_Just think of it the way Lian Shi described it_, I told myself. _The more believable I make _this_ look, the less likely someone will realize it's actually me._

If someone actually figured out I was dressed as a woman—and as Gan Ning's _date_, no less—I honestly think I'd have to kill myself.

"Let's go over some rules before we get there." Gan Ning kept his gaze forward as he spoke, which surprised me a bit.

I snorted. "This'll be good…"

"First, I'm allowed—and expected—to touch and kiss you." My blood sizzled as he cast me a sly look. "You're my date, after all, and what respectable woman would deny the affection of the man who was kind enough to invite her to such a formal event?"

My eyes glared into his stupid brown pools. "I hope you burn in hell someday."

"And none of that scowling, either. You look terrible when you do that."

_Gods above, give me strength, or this man will be murdered by my own hands before the evening has even started…_

"Second, you're allowed—and _expected—_to touch and kiss me, too," Gan Ning went on. The smug grin he wore was downright sickening. "What woman could resist me, anyway?"

"Anyone with a brain, eyes, or decent sense of smell would avoid you like the plague," I replied dryly.

He laughed. "And yet, here you are."

"Against my will," I was quick to remind.

"Still here, though."

"Got any other stupid rules? Sounds like we're almost there."

Gan Ning hummed softly as he thought. "Don't go wandering off. You're _my_ date, not anyone else's."

I couldn't help but snort. "A little clingy, aren't we?"

_"__He seems like the possessive type."_

Really, Lian Shi, you had _no_ idea how accurate you were when you said that…

"And use a voice that's a little more feminine, will you?" The pirate added. "If you talk like that, you'll give yourself away in a matter of seconds." His lips twitched up, suggesting a smirk. "How about you let me hear it? That sweet, feminine voice of yours."

"You'll hear it when I have to use it," I managed to reply through clenched teeth. It took every ounce of self control to stop myself from decking him in the mouth just then. Did he really get off on my misery that much?

_A sadist like him and a masochist like me kind of complete each other, though._

…

Where in the _fuck _did that thought come from? I must be chronically ill for something _that _messed up to cross my mind…

"Ah, Gan Ning! You finally showed up."

Of course Lu Meng would be there to greet us at the door.

I had a sinking feeling this was only a prelude as to how my night would be carrying out…

"Old man!" Gan Ning waved to him as we approached. "Heh, it's funny to see you so dressed up."

"I could say the same thing," Lu Meng said. He was actually smiling sincerely, despite the usual 'old man' comment. His eyes took in Gan Ning's figure before shifting over to me. I gulped, opening my fan to hide the lower half of my face. "Ah, who is this? How'd a brazen pirate like you manage to find such a beautiful woman to be your date?"

I kind of wanted to die right then and there. Lord Lu Meng…thought I was a _beautiful woman_. I mean, it was good that my disguise worked—but the fact I was _appealing_ to him in the first place… The only difference between how I really looked and _this _was a little makeup and a dress… It was hard not to shiver at the thought.

Gan Ning snaked his arm (the one I had been holding) out of my grasp and around my waist instead, pulling me flush against him. "Heh, you're really surprised, old man? I think I'm attractive enough to land a date like this." I couldn't help but note how he didn't say '_woman_' there…

"And who is she?" Lu Meng asked. His gaze drifted from my face down to my body, pausing at my chest. I…really wanted to gag at this point.

"Chun Hua." Gan Ning answered without a second's hesitation. I felt rather relieved. "She's kind of the demure type," he said, possibly (probably) explaining my silence. "But she can be feisty when she wants to." He winked. I couldn't stop myself from reacting.

"Gan Ning," I said, swatting his chest with my now folded fan. The voice that came from my mouth—it was _so_ eerily sweet and feminine that it creeped me out (even though I'd been practicing it since yesterday). It must've surprised Gan Ning, too, since he stared at me like my hair was on fire. I almost wished it was. "Don't say such terrible things." I batted my lashes a few times (feeling my masculinity shatter with it) and reopened my fan, masking the blush that I knew would be covering my face.

I just _knew_ Gan Ning would neverlet me live this down…

Lu Meng chuckled. I found it nearly impossible to look him in the eyes. "Looks like she's a keeper." The warmth of my face increased a thousandfold. Thank heavens I had a fan covering my face; gods only know what my expression was to a remark like _that_. "Anyway," the strategist continued, "I've kept you two long enough. Enjoy yourselves."

"Oh, you bet we will," the pirate said, giving me sultry eyes and drawing me closer. I honestly wanted to run for it right then and there.

Without another word, Gan Ning grabbed my free hand and pulled me through the door. The ballroom was decorated as much as possible for the occasion—lanterns, sculptures, tapestries, live music—and the smell of delicious food was overwhelming, not to mention the number of people present.

"How'd you do that?"

Gan Ning pulled me closer to the wall, and it was then I realized how dimly lit the entire room was. My pulse started to pick up.

"Do what?" I asked, not bothering to use my fake tone when talking to him—especially since we were so close. Who could overhear?

"_That_," he said. "Back there—that voice! Fuck, you were convincing. I was never expecting _that_." Gan Ning's fingers wrapped around my wrist, lowering both my hand and my fan from covering my face. "You sounded _exactly_ like a real woman—how long have you been practicing that?"

I blinked, surprised by his reaction. "Er, just since yesterday. It's not like I do this in my free time, you know."

"I mean, _fuck_, that was good," the pirate went on. His voice sounded so low and husky…was that just because he'd trapped me against a wall? But then his face got closer—too close.

"You'll mess up my lipstick if you kiss me," I warned, pressing my palm against his chest. It was an easy excuse (if not a totally stupid one) to get me out of kissing him so early on. I figured I'd have to endure enough of it later.

Gan Ning let out a soft, airy chuckle and squeezed my wrist. "You're such a woman."

"So start treating me like one, will you?" I said, slipping out of his grasp and away from the wall. Maybe I could use this cross-dressing thing to my advantage—tease the bastard a bit. It _was _kind of fun to screw with him… "I'm a lady, you know, I have my honor. Maybe I'll just go dance with Lu Meng the entire night." I smiled victoriously, seeing that my fake woman voice had taken Gan Ning off guard—again—probably as much as my threat did.

The pirate flashed a grin as he grabbed my empty hand, lacing our fingers together. My initial reaction was to withdraw or smack him in the face with my fan, but Lian Shi's words kept echoing in my head.

_"The more you resist against Gan Ning, the more you seem like Ling Tong."_

Just _why_ did she have to be so accurate with that?

"C'mon," the pirate said, "it's time for me to show you off to the rest of this stupid party."

…I had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

After Gan Ning was satisfied with the number of guests he'd succeeded in making jealous (some of which felt it necessary to make lewd comments about us—or, more specifically, _me_), he dragged me over to the bar. I was just horribly grateful we hadn't run into Lu Xun yet; I figured if anyone would see through my disguise, it would be him.

"Are you happy now?" I asked, turning my back to the bar so I could watch the dancers on the floor. Everyone looked and moved so elegantly—unlike the bastard seated next to me. "After parading me around like some sort of trophy, you've succeeded in increasing the number of enemies you have."

Gan Ning snorted. "You think so?" He sounded…proud.

I rolled my eyes. "Some men are really disgusting. I doubt half the pigs you introduced me to would bat an eye at the thought of killing you—or anyone else, for that matter—to get a woman."

"'Cept you're not a woman."

"Don't say that so loud," I hissed, crossing my legs.

He shrugged. "Doesn't matter if they want to kill me or not." The pirate set his drink down and looked over at me; the intensity of his gaze had my undivided attention. "Personally, I wouldn't mind murdering a bastard or two if it meant I could have you—as a man or woman. Preferably as a man, though."

I just sat there and stared at him, feeling the blood rush to my face at his choice of words. I was sure my jaw had slacked a little, too. He just…

The serious expression on Gan Ning's face transitioned into a calm smile. "You shouldn't gape like that—it's not ladylike." He laughed as he reached over and cupped my chin his his hand, closing the small part in my lips. "And don't cross your legs like that. You're showing too much skin."

Sure enough, I looked down to see I'd crossed my legs so the slit on the side of my dress revealed all the way up to my upper thigh. Dresses sucked.

I snorted, trying to cover up my embarrassment from his earlier comment. "You're one to talk about showing too much skin."

"I mean it," Gan Ning said. He lowered his hand from my chin and set it on my exposed thigh, running it slowly up and down the length of my skin. I…hated how good it felt. The pirate then cast a dark glare to a small group of men on the other side of the room. As I turned to see exactly where he was looking (unable to believe there were _that_ many creeps present), the sneaky bastard nipped at my exposed neck; I gasped in surprise.

"Gan Ning," I whispered, intending for my tone to sound threatening (though I doubt it did), "not—here." My nails dug into the cushion of the chair as his teeth grazed along a sensitive part of my neck. The room felt hot all of a sudden.

"You're my date," the pirate said against my skin, the warmth of his breath making me shiver. "I'm just reminding everyone." He began sucking on the sensitive area just beneath my jaw line, the action making me feel lightheaded. I swallowed thickly. Long, rough fingers ghosted along my leg and underneath my dress, scratching at the part of my inner thigh that was dangerously close to my buzzing groin. I was suddenly very grateful for the tightness of the shorts I was wearing, praying the reaction I was having wouldn't give me away. My eyes drifted to the back of my skull as the pirate kissed along the length of my neck; I unconsciously tilted my head to allow him more access.

"_Ahem_."

My body bolted upright as I grabbed Gan Ning's wandering hand, quickly shoving it away. The pirate's incoherent complaints just barely registered as my eyes settled on the person—or _persons—_who had interrupted us.

Lu Meng had _horrible_ timing. And Lu Xun always seemed to show up at the worst times, too. His face was bright read as he looked at us, his eyes constantly flickering away—probably because he was so modest—but I was sure my face was just as flushed. It was unbearably hard to meet either of their gazes, but _especially_ Lu Xun's.

_He doesn't know it's you, so it doesn't matter if Gan Ning was starting to feel you up or not—he doesn't know it's really you. He doesn't know._

…If only it were that easy to calm my nerves.

"When I said enjoy yourselves, I didn't quite mean to this extent," Lu Meng chuckled. I quickly opened my fan to cover everything but my eyes—and even those I wanted to hide. Would either of them figure it out?

Gan Ning snorted bitterly. He was…actually mad. "Yeah. Way to interrupt, old man. I thought I was going to get lucky."

I cast a demonic glare in his direction. _Like hell you were._

Lu Meng laughed. "Anyway, I was talking to Lu Xun here when I realized we were never properly introduced." He motioned to the little strategist beside him who bowed when his name was mentioned before nodding his head himself. "Since Gan Ning doesn't have the etiquette to do so, I'll introduce myself. I am Lu Meng, strategist and officer of Lord Sun Quan. Lady Chun Hua, this is Lu Xun."

I couldn't even begin to describe how terribly awkward it was to be introduced to them after they'd seen Gan Ning molesting my neck (and thigh) earlier. Not to mention the fact Lu Meng's eyes kept wandering over my body.

_Note to self: Lu Meng is a creep, just like half the other men in this castle, apparently._

Lu Xun gave a flustered smile and bowed again. "It's a pleasure to meet you, my lady."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Gan Ning waved his hand, clearly still brooding over being interrupted. "What, you thinking _you're_ gonna get lucky here, old man? As if." I gaped, thankful the fan was hiding my expression. The remark caught the two Lus off guard, too. With (possibly) the smuggest smirk I'd ever seen on his face, Gan Ning wrapped his arm around my waist and set his head on my shoulder, his gaze locked on the men before us. "_Mine_."

I was stupefied. And unable to once again help myself from noting Gan Ning's lack of '_her_' or '_she_' there. He wasn't just defending or claiming Chun Hua—he was talking about _me_, Ling Tong. My heart started thundering in my chest.

"Now, if you'll excuse us," Gan Ning said as he stood, pulling me to my feet (I was still too dumbstruck to do otherwise), "we're going to go dance. Nice talking to you."

Without waiting for any sort of response, the pirate grabbed my empty hand and lead me toward the dance floor. I couldn't help but glance back to see their reactions: Lu Xun still looked surprised, whereas Lu Meng seemed… What exactly was that look on his face?

Was he…proud?

_Why the hell would he be proud about _that_?_

"Fuckers," Gan Ning grumbled under his breath. He lead us over to the far side of the dance floor, bobbing and weaving through couples who were already dancing. It was hard to keep up with him despite his hold on my hand. "Everyone here is a bunch of dirty fuckers." He remarked, suddenly turning around. I stared at his smoldering brown eyes—he was _seriously_ pissed off—as he took my fan, folded it, and shoved it into his pocket. "They can all get bent, every last one of 'em." The pirate then took a step forward, gripped my hip, took my hand again, and started dancing. But he was still so mad…I just went along with it, placing my free hand on his shoulder.

"Gan Ning, why are you so angry?" I couldn't help but ask. It was then I realized I was speaking to him at eye level.

_How did he get so tall all of a sudden? Must be his shoes_…

"It's disgusting," the pirate snapped, his voice unusually low. "The guys here—the old man, even!—everyone looks at you like you're something to eat—like a goddamn prize." He squeezed my hip, whether conscious of the action or not. It kind of hurt. "It's only because you're dressed as a woman. If you came in here as a man—the way you usually look—they wouldn't give you second goddamn glance. It pisses me off!" He took a deep breath, jaw clenched. "I'll admit it—you look damn fine dressed as a woman, and it was my idea, after all," Gan Ning went on, none calmer than he had been before the pause. "I'd probably want to bang you, too, if I were them. But, damn it, you're a _man_. A fine-ass, snarky, sarcastic, hard-headed, attractive as hell _man_. You're smart, talented, loyal—and they don't give a fuck about that—none of them do! And _that's_ what pisses me off."

I stared at him, the most dumbfounded of expressions on my face. My breath caught in my throat; my heart was beating so fast it actually _ached_. I wanted to smile—I could have laughed—I felt stupidly happy and completely caught off-guard. What was this? And what was _that_? What Gan Ning said—how he talked about me just then, _to_ me… It almost sounded like he…

Without a second thought, I leaned forward and kissed him. Kissed him the way he'd kissed me that day in the corridor—without any reservations or worry. I meshed my lips against his, parting them to let the pirate into my mouth; his hot breath had me reeling. Gan Ning slid his tongue along the side of my own, the movement slow and sensual. The grip he had on my hip tightened as he drew me flush against him, his body radiating heat. My body—my groin—was buzzing from the contact.

The need for air caused me to gently part from our kiss, eyes half-lidded and breathing staggered. I swallowed hard, feeling Gan Ning release my hand to cup the side of my face, his thumb caressing my cheekbone.

"We shouldn't do this here," I whispered. It felt like my body was on fire—especially where Gan Ning had touched me. The sensation was overwhelming.

"Then where?" He asked, tone husky and soft. I swallowed again.

"My—" I hesitated; my courage lodged itself in my throat. "Let's go back to my room."

Gan Ning smiled—an actual, genuine smile—and gave me a peck on the lips. "We're taking off all this makeup, though. I want to have sex with _you_, not Chao Hu or anyone else."

I chuckled softly, whether from nervousness or the fact he slaughtered my fake name, I wasn't sure. "Of course…"

* * *

**A/N: **THAT WAS THE END OF THE CHAPTER… ;o;  
You guys, I'm terrible (or just terribly lazy)…

I hope this update wasn't too much of a disappointment. And, as you probably realized, this part doesn't correlate with the weird beginning of the story (if you guys remember that), so I went back and just deleted it. I guess I never really thought the beginning through ._.

Anyway! Reviewers! Gosh, you guys were seriously _too_ sweet this time. Some of you take the time to leave me such nice, long reviews~I absolutely love it! I'm so thankful for all you, I really am. ^-^  
**Nan Ma**, **Somniyo**, **Nioyuki**, **Usagi-San** (lol I love your name by the way~), **Animelover6000**, **tsukiko3000**, **vovo**, **Red Queen of Spades**, and **FelixTehCat**, ahhh, you guys~! I honestly cannot thank you enough for being so kind and loyal, and for leaving me such positive feedback after every chapter. I feel so lucky to have you guys. ^-^ Oh, and FelixTehCat, "quality and quantity"? That was _so_ sweet of you, the smile I had on my face when I read that was ridiculous! :3 Thank you!  
I could thank you guys forever and ever, but it still wouldn't be enough~

And thank you, too, readers! Don't think I don't appreciate every single one of you. :)

I think I've beat around the bush enough for now…I hope you'll all stick around for the next chapter!

Ah, and if (for some reason), you guys want to know about updates or other stories I'm working on, I made a twitter just about my fics, so you'll know where I'm at with them (if you would want to…) The link's on my page. ^-^

Ciao!


	15. i n t i m a c y

**Word Count: **4,168; **Note: **This was really difficult to write ._. I hope it's not too bad…

* * *

i n t i m a c y

* * *

The sound of the door closing…it was soft, final.

It felt like it had just sealed my fate.

Without a word, I slipped my hand out of Gan Ning's and bee-lined over to the wash bowl beside my bed. The pounding of my heart flooded my eardrums as I dipped a cloth into the water and proceeded to scrub away all the layers of makeup Lian Shi had applied to my face. I didn't even notice my hands were shaking.

_"We're taking off all this makeup, though. I want to have sex with _you_, not Chao Hu or anyone else."_

I stopped, hands frozen halfway through the motion of dragging the cloth back down my face.

What exactly was I doing?

If I took off all the makeup, Gan Ning was going to have sex with me… But, isn't that what I wanted? I mean, _I _was the one who invited him here, _I _was the one who kissed him—which had kind of been the start of all this. If he hadn't opened his mouth and said all those things, though…then I wouldn't be in this situation.

_"Personally, I wouldn't mind murdering a bastard or two if it meant I could have you."_

_"…But, damn it, you're a _man_. A fine-ass, snarky, sarcastic, hard-headed, attractive as hell _man_. You're smart, talented, loyal…"_

I rubbed the cloth against my face even harder as I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. Gan Ning was possessive and pushy, but…he said all those things. He defended me—and not even just then, but that time in training and at Chibi… He'd gone out of his way to protect me (regardless of the fact he was basically the reason I was in danger to begin with)…

Did Gan Ning, maybe, _love _me?

Fingers ghosted over my hip, snapping me out of my thoughts; I jumped, dropping my cloth into the bowl. My eyes flashed to the mirror in front of me to see Gan Ning standing behind me, his lips arched into a gentle smile.

"You're awfully quiet," he said, moving his hand to run it down my spine. I shivered. The pirate reached over and wrapped his fingers around my wrist, slowly turning me around until we were face to face. "There it is," he said, tone hardly more than a whisper as he ran his hands through my hair, removing the small clips and pins Lian Shi had so carefully placed. They dropped to the floor, insignificant and quickly forgotten. Gan Ning then reached back to undo the intricate bun my hair had been styled in to; my nerves had me frozen to the spot, and I couldn't help but revel in the warmth of the closeness of Gan Ning's body. My hands unconsciously found their way to his chest, fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt into a fist.

"Gan Ning," I whispered.

He hummed in response, his gaze fixed on something behind me.

I felt my hair fall out of place, cascading down to my shoulders as Gan Ning combed his fingers through the locks. It was…soothing. Very soothing.

"That's the face," the pirate said. His eyes drank in my features; I felt a little self-conscious. He inclined his head forward just enough to brush his lips against my own. My grip on his shirt tightened—the sensation was driving me crazy. "This is the face I wanted to see."

Eagerly, I pressed our lips together, pulling him closer by the fabric of his shirt. However—and I was just as surprised as I was hurt—Gan Ning quickly drew back and held me at arm's length, my own hands falling back to my side.

I didn't understand. In a split second, my mind started to conjure up possible (and ridiculous) reasons as to why he just stopped. Had I misinterpreted this _entire _thing? Was I really that dumb? Or was he toying with me?"

"Don't give me that look," Gan Ning said, expression apologetic. "You look like a kicked puppy or something."

The blood rushed to my face at the comment. "Do not…"

His lips flickered into a smile. "Just hold on a minute. You're not quite _you_, yet."

"Huh?" Both of our gazes fell down to my chest. "_Oh_…"

"Come over here," the pirate said. He took my hand and led me over to a different part of the room, stopping me in front of the full-length mirror. "Stand here and watch."

"'Watch?' Watch what?" My pulse picked up as I followed his movement through the mirror.

"I'm just going to undress you," he whispered into my ear, momentarily pressing his chest against my back. I swallowed thickly.

"Why do—"

Gan Ning tilted his head around and captured my lips before I could finish my question. The kiss was tender, as though he was trying to reassure me of his intentions.

"Just watch," he said before pressing his lips to my neck. I sighed.

His hands slid down my back, fingers working to undo the small buttons that held my dress together. I watched through the reflection in the mirror as Gan Ning slowly pulled the article of clothing down my body, kneeling as it got to my feet; it gave me goosebumps. I shivered, left in only the shorts that covered hardly anything at all. The room was cold, but my body still felt like it was burning…

"Step out," Gan Ning ordered; I complied. He tossed the dress to the side, sliding his hands back to my leg. The pirate moved his fingers with a sensual slowness, ghosting one of his hands up the inner part of my thigh as the other gripped my calf. I hadn't realized I was biting my lip until I felt his hot mouth connect with my skin, kissing and nipping at a soft spot on the back of my thigh. It was hard to swallow, to think. I never thought something so simple could be so…arousing. I lifted a hand to my face, biting down on my knuckles as the tips of Gan Ning's fingers brushed underneath the fabric of my shorts. The article of clothing had become uncomfortably tight.

"So smooth," the pirate breathed against my skin. "I should have you shave your legs more often."

"Yeah right," I managed to reply with my fist still in my mouth. I was afraid I'd let out an embarrassing sound if I removed it too soon…

Gan Ning let go of my leg as he stood up, casting me a puzzled (and amused) look as he saw my hand in my mouth. He stepped behind me again, brushing my hair off my shoulder with his index finger as he did so. I bit down harder. I could feel his warmth again as he pressed his chest flush against my back, his arms draped around my waist.

"What exactly are you doing?" He whispered, dragging one of his fingers over my navel before slipping another inside, slowly working it in a circular motion. I don't know why it felt so good, but I had to shove my hand further into my mouth to prevent myself from moaning out loud.

"Nothing," was my muffled—strangled—reply as he continued to tease my navel.

"Liar." Gan Ning withdrew his finger, moving both of his hands up my body: one slipping into the bra I was still wearing, the other gripping my wrist. "I want to hear it," he said, carefully removing my fist from my mouth; I reluctantly let him do so. "I want to hear you moan, say my name—I want to hear everything, so don't try to stop it." The pirate then ran the tip of his nose up my neck, pinching my earlobe between his teeth; I gasped, arching into his back. Gan Ning slipped his other hand into my bra, cupping my 'breasts' in either hand and pressing them against my chest until they burst, water snaking down my chest. It made me shiver. He made quick work of unhooking my bra and discarding it; I was glad to be rid of it.

Gan Ning moved both of his hands down the length of my wet torso, his index fingers inching down my obliques until they met with the cloth of my shorts. I caught my breath, eyes fluttering to the back of my head as he tugged the top of the fabric down ever so slightly.

"Never thought you'd be so muscular," Gan Ning commented, tone husky and breath hot as it ghosted over my collarbone.

"Stop—teasing," I said, my hands clawing back to take fistfuls of the fabric of his pants.

I could feel him smile against my skin. "You think this is bad?" His chuckle was soft and deep as it reverberated through my own chest. "How about this, then?" Gan Ning dragged his hands up over my stomach—I gave a gasp-like moan as he pinched one of my nipples between his fingers, my grip on his pants threatening to tear the fabric. He then released the bud only to flick his finger over the tip of it. I rolled my head back onto his shoulder and groaned.

"That's it," he whispered hotly. The pirate slid his other hand up, slipping my other nipple between his fingers as he spun it ever so slowly. It hurt a little, but _fuck—_I couldn't stop the small moan that poured from my mouth. Gan Ning sunk his teeth into my shoulder as he flicked both buds simultaneously. I tried to swallow to prevent myself from groaning with pleasure, but I only succeeded in making it sound even more ragged and whore-like. Gan Ning bit down harder, grunting into my skin. I was only half aware of his hands ghosting back down my torso, fingers hooking underneath the top of my shorts. He removed his mouth from my shoulder to run his tongue along the marks he left; I caught my breath as the fabric was pulled down, leaving me completely naked.

"Ga—" My words got caught up in my throat as Gan Ning suddenly wrapped his hand around the base of my arousal. I choked, panting, breathless.

"Already so hard…" I could almost hear the smirk in the pirate's tone, but my thoughts—my focus—was elsewhere. "But we haven't even gotten to the best part yet." He squeezed my length; I squirmed against him. With his free hand, Gan Ning grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from the mirror. "Sit," he said, nodding toward the armchair. His hand let go of my erection; I whimpered softly at the loss of contact.

Complying once again, I sat down in the chair, feeling my pulse thunder in my chest as Gan Ning knelt down in front of me. He kissed my knee and rubbed his hands around my ankles. "Spread 'em," he said.

"Gan Ning—"

"Come on," the pirate said, tone unusually soft. His touch was still so hot… My face flushed with embarrassment as I spread my legs. The room seemed to spin as Gan Ning leaned forward, his tongue flicking over the tip of my cock as he lapped up the precum that leaked out. I gripped the arms of the chair until my knuckles turned white as the pirate's hands clawed at the inner part of my thighs. Gan Ning's lips sealed around the head of my arousal, his warm mouth taking it in slowly—_too_ slowly. My head rolled back, eyes half-lidded as I gave a shameless moan, hoping that would encourage him to move a little faster.

Gan Ning slowly inched more of my length into his mouth, running his tongue along the side of it as he occasionally bobbed back; my vision blurred. It felt _good—_almost painfully good. A strange tension started to form in my stomach as the pirate turned his head in various angles—the way he sucked—I gave a rough moan, my fingers finding their way to his shaggy blond locks. It was hard to stop myself from thrusting into his mouth when he worked his tongue so skillfully…

"G—_ah—_n Ning," I gasped, "I—I can't…" My body was trembling as the tension in my stomach started to boil over.

The pirate kept going, bobbing his head and digging his nails into my inner thighs. All of it was too much—the room was too hot—I wasn't used to something like this… Unable to stop myself, I let out a long, ragged moan as I climaxed into Gan Ning's hot mouth, my body trembling with the sudden orgasm. Gan Ning moved his hands to my hips, squeezing them as I arched my back, my fingers gripping his blond locks. He swallowed obediently, going so far as to lick the head of my cock clean as I finished.

I let my head roll back, feeling rather weak all of a sudden. My breath was still ragged as Gan Ning's face appeared in front of me, eyes half-lidded and expression tender. He cupped the side of my face in his hand, caressing my cheekbone with his thumb.

"Ling Tong," he whispered. My heart was throbbing in my chest—that was the first time I'd ever heard him use my real name—not '_Tongy boy_' or '_Princess_.' But why did he has to say it in such a husky tone of voice? It stirred something strange in my chest. "Don't ever let anyone else touch you like this," he said, bringing his face closer. "Just me…"

I wanted to give him a snarky reply—it was on the tip of my tongue—but my head felt so light, and the way he said it—the way he said my name… I leaned up to kiss him, loosely draping my arms around his neck. Gan Ning tilted his head to accommodate the kiss, gliding his tongue along my lower lip. I felt his teeth graze over my lip, biting down tenderly on the soft skin. I whimpered with pleasure. The pirate then slid his tongue into my mouth, curling it back to stroke my upper pallet. The softness of the touch sent shivers down my spine.

It was so tender—everything about the way Gan Ning touched me made my skin burn. He was being gentle, so surprisingly gentle… I drank from his lips, feeling greedy—needing much more—unable to describe the sensation churning in my stomach.

"More," I groaned into Gan Ning's mouth.

"Hn?"

I lowered my hands to his shirt, my fingers fumbling with the buttons that held together the upper half.

"Ah," Gan Ning said, finally breaking our kiss. His hands moved down to help me remove his shirt. "I'm glad you said that," he whispered, breathless; the sound made my head light. "I don't know if I could've stopped myself."

I leaned forward to give him a quick kiss, letting out a small laugh-like sound against his lips. He had actually considered my feelings toward going all the way, despite the fact he clearly wanted this…

Gan Ning's outfit came off in pieces. I was a little pissed that he was finally fully-clothed when it would be quicker—and easier—if he wasn't. But it was only a passing thought; I was too preoccupied with Gan Ning's kisses, sometimes chaste, sometimes lustful.

Finally, the pirate and I were equal in our complete lack of clothing as he stepped out of his boxers. I couldn't help but look down.

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath. He was…_big_.

"C'mon," Gan Ning pulled me over toward the bed, his lips quirked into a subtle smile. "Let's put those hips of yours to work."

My heart was pounding away as he placed his hand on my chest, gently pushing me down onto the bed. We were really about to have sex… My fingers began to tremble as I reached up brush a strand of hair out of the pirate's face. He caught my wrist, turning my hand to place a kiss in my palm.

"Nervous?" His voice was so soft.

I swallowed thickly and shook my head. "It's fine."

Gan Ning leaned forward to kiss my forehead; the action surprised me. As he drew back, he cupped my chin in his hand and tilted my head up, forcing me to meet his gaze. "You're a virgin, aren't you, Ling Tong?"

I swallowed again, finding it hard to look him in the eye. This was something I didn't want him to find out if I could avoid it…

"What, is that a deal-breaker for you?" I asked, my tone too acidic for my liking. As always, my anger acted in defense of my embarrassment.

Gan Ning gave a small chuckle and kissed my forehead again. "No. Makes it better, really." He moved his hands to cradle my face, his lips just brushing up against my own. The closeness had me reeling. "It means you're smart about this, that you don't sleep with the first man who comes onto you… It means you want me to be your first, right?" He smiled, cutting me off by sealing our lips together. I don't know why, but his words seemed to lift a weight off my shoulders… "Just hold on a second," the pirate whispered as he suddenly drew back. "I doubt you have it—it'd be better if you did—but I'm still gonna look." And before I could ask what he was looking for, he shoved me completely onto the bed and crushed his lips against my own before stepping over to the nightstand. I rolled over to the center of the bed and watched him—watched the way his muscles contracted underneath his tanned skin as he knelt down, as he dug through the contents of the drawer. His physique was really impressive…

Withdrawing a small jar I'd never seen before, Gan Ning was back over to the bed in a few strides; he wasted no time in recapturing my lips. I didn't complain. His free hand rubbed the lower-half of my stomach, eliciting an embarrassing moan from my throat. His touch was still so warm…and his mouth was so hot as he slid his tongue back into my mouth.

Gan Ning positioned himself so he was straddling me, not once breaking our kiss. His hand wandered down, fingers wrapping around my member, stroking it with a slow, sensual movement. I grunted into his open mouth, my hands burying themselves in his thick blond locks. He started to move his hand faster, slower, tormenting me with varying speeds. I broke from our kiss, gasping and moaning.

Suddenly, the pirate's hand left my now-hard arousal as he sat up. I watched through heavy-lidded eyes as he undid the top of the jar, dipping his first two fingers inside. My lips parted as he spread my legs, lifting them so they rested over his shoulders.

"Damn, I _really_ wish you could see your face right now," he grunted, positioning himself between my thighs. "I don't even think whores can look that damn—" he ran his index finger (which was slick with something) over my entrance; I gasped, eyes momentarily fluttering shut "—sexy."

My fingernails dug into the sheets as Gan Ning nudged his fingers inside of me. The pain was the first thing I noticed—even though he hadn't gone in that far—but I tried to hide it the best I could.

"I'll try to go slow," he whispered, sliding his fingers in a little further; I arched my back, trying to fight back a moan. "But, _damn_, it's hard when you keep making faces like that." He kept his fingers in the same position, giving me time to adjust. "Better?"

I nodded, already wanting to move to the next step. I'd never felt so impatient before in my life.

Gan Ning nodded, moving his digits almost all the way out before quickly thrusting them back in. The sensation blurred my vision, my gasp quickly transitioning into a pleasured moan. The pirate continued to slide his fingers in and out, adjusting the speed so it drove me crazy. It was hard not to writhe underneath him at the feeling. My nails clawed into the sheets as strange, strangled groans and grunts escaped my lips: I was lost in ecstasy.

"Oh, _fuck_," Gan Ning suddenly moaned, completely pulling his fingers out; I whimpered in response. "I can't wait anymore." He was pressing my knees back to my chest before I had the chance to ask into it—and _oh_, hell… After a bit of fumbling with the jar, Gan Ning pressed the head of his cock against my entrance. I could feel one of his hands gripping my hip as he eased himself inside me.

The pain was _much_ worse than it had been with just his fingers; I gasped, trying to regulate my breathing as I adjusted to the feeling. Slowly, Gan Ning pushed into me, pausing every now and then to let me adjust. _Fuck_, it burned…

"God, you're tight," the pirate murmured, squeezing my hip in his hand. "You okay?"

I nodded weakly, feeling the pain slowly dissipate as I tried to relax. Gan Ning rocked forward, easing past the tight ring of muscle; I panted softly. He pushed in deeper, putting pressure on a spot that made me shudder and moan, black dots dancing over my vision. I was sure I heard the pirate chuckle.

"That's it," he whispered, arching over to muffle my moan with a kiss, sucking and nibbling at my lips. My body felt like it was on fire, my nails threatening to tear the fabric of the sheets. Gan Ning parted our lips, drawing his length back nearly all the way before easing it back in. I groaned, moving my hands up to claw at Gan Ning's back. His warmth was intoxicating—I needed more, so much more…

As he started to thrust steadily—each time sliding against that spot that drove me crazy—the room filled with my harsh moans and Gan Ning's panting. Each time he hit my prostate, I felt this white heat surge through my body, my eyes rolling as I thrust my head back, grunting and groaning with the overwhelming sensation.

"_Oh_, Gan Ning," I moaned, my voice shaky.

"Xingba," the pirate grunted, thrusting into me. I groaned again. "Say—Xingba."

The speed of his hips had been steadily increasing, his breathing now hitched and uneven. The sound made my head spin. "Xingba," I whimpered, feeling him hit that spot again. I choked; my throat was starting to get raw from all my moaning. "Oh, _god_, Xingba…" He started pumping faster, angling his hips so he struck _that_ spot dead-on. The same tension from earlier started to boil in my stomach, bringing me closer to the edge. With another hard, precise thrust, a ragged, whorish moan erupted from my lips as I climaxed, my cum spilling over the both of us.

"Ah, _fuck_," Gan Ning groaned. He thrust deep within me again; I could feel his member twitch just slightly, still too dazed from my orgasm to notice much else. "Nn, damn it…" The pirate rolled his head back as he thrust into me one last time. I gasped as he climaxed inside me, my body trembling uncontrollably at the sensation. _Gods_, it felt good…

Gan Ning arched forward again, propping himself up on his elbows. I watched him through half-lidded eyes, trying to read his expression. He looked…happy. I reached up to cup his face in my hands, pulling him down into a kiss. It was slower than the other ones, softer; I reveled in the way Gan Ning's lips were smooth and rough at the same time. My fingers traced over his cheekbones, trailing down to his jawline. His facial features were so defined…

After several more minutes of lazy kissing, Gan Ning eased himself out, bringing my legs back down as well. They already felt sore.

The pirate flopped down on the bed beside me, snaking his arm underneath me to pull me closer to his chest. "How're you feeling?" He asked, running a finger down the middle of my chest.

"Tired," I replied. My throat still ached from all my vocalizing earlier.

Gan Ning laughed. "That all?"

I cast him a wary look, though I was unable to fight the smile that twitched my lips. "I feel good."

"Damn good." He leaned over, pressing his lips against my forehead.

"Can I go to sleep now?" I was grinning—I don't even know why, but I was grinning. "I've kind of had a busy night, you know?"

Gan Ning smiled. "Don't you want to clean up first? Might feel a little dirty in the morning." He winked.

I snorted. "Screw it. I'm tired."

"Suit yourself." He took my wrist and lifted the back of my hand to his lips, kissing it. "Sweet dreams, princess."

* * *

**A/N:** Lazy ending is blunt and very, very lazy, but I really just wanted to get this done!  
I don't think I've had so much trouble writing a chapter before ._.

This was the first time I've ever written smut from a first person POV, so I hope it went okay… And I kind of cut out a lot of Ling Tong's personal thoughts here, since I figured it might kill the moment. I just hope this wasn't a total disappointment ;~;

BUT YOU GUYS! This story's hit over 100 reviews! :D I want to give a special thanks to **tsukiko3000 **for being my 100th review! ^-^ And holy man, you guys x_x The last chapter got 12 reviews! (Which might not seem like a lot to some people, but that's an impressive number to me ^-^)

**Nan Ma**, **Somniyo**, **Usagai-san**, **FelixTehCat**, **Niouyuki**, **Red Queen of Spades**, **tsukiko3000**, **MeggieNinja**, **Animelover6000**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **Vovo**, and **xyakyubaba**, I honestly cannot thank you guys enough! I really honestly and truly mean that! You guys always take the time to leave me the sweetest feedback. You're the best support a writer could ask for ^-^ Gosh, I'm really so grateful to you guys… Your reviews are the highlights of my day. :3

Ah! I also owe a special thanks to **Vovo** for reading the chapter over for me (and so quickly, too!). You're such a sweetheart! I owe you so much. ^-^

To answer tsukiko3000's request, _of course_ I will be continuing this story even though Gan Ning finally got Ling Tong in bed ;D Like you said, the whole Lu Xun thing has to get sorted out still. And the summary of the story… Well, let's just say there's still quite a bit to cover. ;)

Okay, I think that's enough beating around the bush for now.

Thanks again everyone!

Adios!


	16. c o l l a p s e

**Word Count: **2,739

* * *

c o l l a p s e

* * *

When I finally woke up, I quickly wished I hadn't: my entire body ached, including my head. The throbbing that started to form behind my skull was enough to keep me from falling back asleep. That, and the fact it was morning.

I rubbed my eyes with my knuckles, moving my fingers up to massage my temples. Why was I so sore?

And then it hit me.

I'd had sex with Gan Ning.

Everything from the previous night came flooding back in a stream of memories: the party, Gan Ning's (somewhat) confession, me bringing him back to my room…and going to bed with him. Now that I thought about it, there _was_ something strange and crusty that had dried on my stomach.

…Oh, that's sick…

_"Might feel a little dirty in the morning."_

That was quite the understatement.

_So, I…really slept with him, then. _I swallowed, noting how unusually sore my throat felt. _That wasn't just a dream or hallucination… It really happened._

My heart started to pound faster. Was Gan Ning still here—in bed? Or had he left during the night? I mean, he'd gotten what he wanted, after all: I had sex with him. So, really…what reason would he have to stay?

_Maybe he really just used me for my body… _The thought made my stomach churn uneasily. _Maybe I was a complete idiot after all, thinking that, maybe, there might be more behind his motives than just "lust…"_

I didn't want to roll over and look. Part of me was eager, hopeful to see him still lying there, fast asleep—and the realistic side of me dreaded to face the possible truth. That Gan Ning had just used me for sex and was gone. Just thinking about it…it made me sick. I was actually attached to the pirate, and the thought of him using me like that… Would he?

_I'm just being an ass about this, _I told myself. _He said so much last night…or, was that him just trying to get in my pants? Did he, maybe, _know _I'd agree to sleep with him if he said those things? _But he'd sounded so sincere…

_Suck it up and look, princess._

I bit down on my lower lip, trying to work up the courage to check. Damn it—_never _would I have _ever_ thought I'd be nervous about seeing if Gan Ning had stayed the night… Or that I'd actually hope he did.

Shutting my eyes, I slowly rolled onto my side (the aches in my body prevented me from moving any faster). I caught my breath—and that's when I noticed it. The sound of another set of lungs drawing air. My eyes fluttered open, and as soon as they did, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest.

Gan Ning was fast asleep. He almost looked cute, laying there with his mop of blond hair stuck up in random clumps… I couldn't believe I'd even thought he'd left.

_Was that, maybe…something like… Did I just worry about that because I might love him? Is that the reason why I was so afraid he'd left?_

…_Was_ I in love with Gan Ning? What the hell was love, anyway?

And what kind of question was _that_?

_I think I've turned into a philosophical maiden overnight_…

Trying to shove the thought to the back of my mind, I reached out to run the backs of my fingers over Gan Ning's cheek. His skin was so warm—and surprisingly smooth, for a pirate. I traced the arches of his cheekbones, down his jawline all the way to his chin. I hesitated, noticing that he slept with his lips slightly parted. My curiosity was piqued. So, I let my index finger ghost over his lower lip, noting every small groove on the skin there. Then, slowly, I slid my finger through the part of his lips, feeling the warmth of his breath. Just last night, those lips were on mine…and around my—

"What're you doing?" Gan Ning asked, cracking an eye open. He caught my wrist in his hand before I could pull my finger away, keeping it pressed to his lip. "Isn't it a little early for you to be seducing me?"

My face flushed as I desperately tried to pull my hand away. I didn't even know how to respond to a comment like that. "I-I don't know what you—"

He smiled, leaning over to capture my lips in a chaste kiss. As he drew back, he ran his free hand through my hair, the sensation (once again) soothing me. "Good morning," he said before giving me another quick kiss. His tone was so soft and tender; it caught me off-guard. "How'd you sleep?"

I blinked. "Uh…fine, I guess."

"Good. I was afraid I might've paralyzed you from the waist down." Gan Ning laughed, finally letting my hand go.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked. I couldn't understand what he was up to—this wasn't Gan Ning-esque at _all_.

He cocked an eyebrow. "Doing what?"

"_This_," I said again. "Staying the night, saying good morning, asking how I slept. I don't get it."

"What, I can't be a gentleman just because I'm a pirate?"

"Pretty much."

He laughed. "Well, I figured I should do this right. Since, y'know, you're a—" he grinned "—_were_ a virgin, and I was your first. So, I assumed you'd get pissed at me if I didn't do this 'right,'" Gan Ning lifted his fingers to make air quotations; I rolled my eyes.

"So you just did this so I wouldn't get mad?" The thought made me a little…upset.

"Don't give me that look," he said, reaching over to cup my chin in his hand. The pirate's expression had become unusually serious. "I did this because I care. Why, would you rather I left in the middle of the night? Didn't want to wake up next to me or somethin'?"

"I never said that…" I murmured, averting my gaze. My cheeks felt unusually hot.

Gan Ning let go of my chin and rolled onto his back. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you…"

"What?"

"How old are you?"

I blinked, confused by the strange question. "Twenty-four. Why?"

"So how are you—" he turned to look at me, grinning again "—_were_ you a virgin? I mean, you're _that _old and you've never had sex once?"

My face flushed with embarrassment; I rolled onto my side (facing away from him) to hide it. "I've just never had time for a relationship. And meaningless sex never really appealed to me."

Gan Ning hummed in response. I could feel his index finger trailing down the length of my spine. "Not even a casual fling? I'm sure there are plenty of women who'd want to bang you, too."

I snorted. "I'm not interested in women."

"Really?" He sounded surprised. "Not at all?"

"Nope."

He whistled. The sound pissed me off for some reason. "Damn… No wonder you kept the v-card for so long. Can't blame you, really—everyone else around here is either boring or ugly." The warmth of his bare chest met my back as the pirate draped an arm over my waist. "That's fine, though, since you've got me now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, praying he couldn't feel how fast my heart was beating. And, oddly enough, my head was starting to feel heavier by the second, the throbbing from earlier building up.

Gan Ning kissed my shoulder, hovering his lips over the skin as he spoke. I tried not to shiver. "Whatever you want it to."

His vague answer irritated me. "I don't want to have this conversation right now," I mumbled into the pillow. "I'm tired."

"Want me to let you get some rest?"

"It'd be appreciated."

The pirate chuckled before placing another kiss on my shoulder. My body felt uncomfortably cold after he pulled his arm back, the mattress shifting as he moved. "Ah, I forgot to tell you… The old man said we don't have to work today. Probably just because he'll be too hung-over to order us around." He laughed again. "So you can take it easy today."

"You're just happy because I don't have to see Lu Xun," I said, my words muffled by the pillow.

"What?"

My lips twitched into a smile. "Nothing." I was probably, right, anyway.

"I'm gonna take a bath before I go, if that's fine with you," he said, the bed squeaking as he got off.

"Go for it." My head felt so heavy…

"Wanna join me?"

"Never."

"Heh, still trying to keep up the 'hard to get' act?" His voice sounded far away—he was probably picking up his clothes.

"Just let me sleep," I groaned, once again noticing how sore my throat was. I listened to Gan Ning's footsteps move across the room, gradually coming closer until I was sure he was standing right next to the bed. I kept my eyes shut. The warmth of his breath ghosted over my face before a pair of lips pressed against my forehead. I tried not to react, instead waiting for Gan Ning to say something.

But he never did. Instead, I heard his footsteps go across the room again until they disappeared.

A hot bath sounded nice, especially since I hadn't cleaned up since last night…but sleep sounded even better.

* * *

I managed to sleep the entire day, finally waking up at some point in the night. Gan Ning was gone, of course—why would he hang around if all I'm doing is sleeping? Regardless, I felt a little weird waking up alone…and I wanted to slap myself in the face for having that thought.

_I've always woken up alone,_ I reminded myself. _This morning was just_…

What _was_ this morning? Or really, what had last night been? Did Gan Ning assume we'd have sex again? …Did _I_ assume we'd have it again? I mean, it wasn't a one-night stand—that much I knew. Gan Ning wouldn't have stayed, otherwise. And he wouldn't have said he cared. So…what _was _it? Were we "together" now?

_No. No way in hell. I might like the guy and everything, but we are_ not _"together."_

All this thinking hurt my head, anyway. So, I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the bath—slowly, of course, since I was still extremely sore and my head felt heavy. The hot bath was perfect; it felt good to finally get clean. However, it really only succeeded in making me tired again. And, ignoring the growling in my stomach, I crawled back into bed (with some clothes on this time). I couldn't figure out why it felt so much larger than usual.

* * *

It was kind of embarrassing to look at Gan Ning after…well, after having slept with him. Especially with Lu Meng around. I was just thankful the pirate didn't bring it up or make a pass at me as we cleaned the dungeons; he was behaving himself rather well. Lu Meng noticed, too.

"You've been awfully quiet today, Gan Ning," he commented, leaning against the cell doorway. "I take it you must've had a good time at the ball the other night?"

My breath caught in my throat as Gan Ning grinned. "Oh, you bet I did."

"And what of Lady Chun Hua?"

Oh, shit…

"Huh?" Gan Ning looked up, pausing in his cleaning.

"How's she doing?" Lu Meng asked, giving him a wink. My head suddenly felt light.

"Oh, her." The pirate shrugged. "Dunno, and couldn't care less."

Lu Meng blinked, genuinely surprised. "What? After all that at the ball—you're already done with her?"

It felt like I was in a nightmare. There was any number of ways this could play out…

"There's someone else now," Gan Ning said, looking straight at me.

_Moron! Don't look at me! _I desperately wished I had the ability to send messages directly to people's heads—_especially_ to the idiot across from me. _He's not that stupid—he'll figure it out!_

"Is that so?" Lu Meng scratched his beard. "Who is it?"

"Of course you'd want to know, old man," Gan Ning said. "You want to see if you might get lucky, right? Well, too bad. It's a secret."

To my surprise—and relief—Lu Meng laughed. "Very well. Your private life is none of my business, anyway. And you missed a spot on your left."

* * *

By the time I got to the library, I was feeling pretty damn dizzy. I figured it was probably because I hadn't eaten all day—or yesterday, either. Or because I was nervous as hell to look at Lu Xun after everything that had happened.

_There's no way he could've known that was me at the ball, _I had to remind myself for the umpteenth time that day.

I still couldn't shake the guilty feeling that curdled in my stomach as I stepped through the doors. I'd only kissed Lu Xun once, after all… And he _had_ kind of asked me to do it. But after everything with Gan Ning…

I really didn't need these kinds of complications in my life.

"Ah, Gongji!" Lu Xun called to me from behind a mountain of boxes, his head just barely coming above them. "Over here."

Trying to avoid setting off an avalanche by not bumping into anything, I wound my way around all the boxes until I found the little strategist at the center of the chaos. "There seems to be more stuff than usual today," I noted. "Did Lord Lu Meng give us more to do or something?"

"Not quite," he huffed, lifting a large box from the floor and setting it down on a nearby table. "He and Lord Zhou Yu found more old strategical scrolls the other day and thought it best to add them to the library."

"Great… More work for us, then."

Lu Xun chuckled. "It will go faster with the both of us working."

My pulse faltered.

"Are you feeling all right, Gongji?" The kid asked, puppy dog eyes looking up into mine. "You seem a bit paler than usual."

"I'm fine," I lied with a shrug. "It's probably just the lighting—kind of cloudy today, y'know?"

He gave me an unconvinced look.

"Anyway," I said, quickly wanting to change the subject. "What should we do with all these boxes?"

"Ah, could you take that stack over there and move them to the other side of the room?" Lu Xun pointed at the small cluster of boxes. "They're going to go on the other shelves, but they're a bit too heavy for me to carry…"

"Consider it done," I said, reaching out to ruffle his brown locks. Even though I felt sickeningly guilty about this whole thing with him and Gan Ning, I couldn't cut off all forms of physical contact or he'd get suspicious. That, and it seemed rather cruel.

The kid flashed me an innocent smile that quickly intensified the guilty knots in my stomach. "Thank you, Gongji."

I nodded and withdrew my hand before weaving through the mountain of scrolls. The pile I was supposed to move was pretty big, but not unbearable. Maybe I could work off the lightheadedness…

So, I lifted the first box (which was _seriously_ heavy—I have no idea how Lu Meng or Zhou Yu ever expected Boyan to carry it), my head spinning with the motion as I brought it over to the instructed area. I hadn't felt this strange in a long time…if ever, really. My body was overheating and it felt like my head was about to float away.

This continued for the next couple of boxes until I heard Lu Xun call my name. "Yeah?" I replied over my shoulder, dropping the heavy item in my hands on the floor. The kid started telling me some story about the other day, but I couldn't quite make out the details. Maybe it was because I was so far away…or was there something in my ear? Regardless, I went about lifting the next box, straining my senses to try and make out the words he was saying. Why couldn't I hear him?

A sudden heat rushed to my head, dulling my senses. The box I was carrying slipped through my fingers. I could have sworn I heard someone call my name…

And then everything was dark.

* * *

**A/N: **A bit of deja vu here, right? Sorry for the lazy ending (this seems to be a consistent problem for me…) but I realized how late this update was and wanted to post. Also, I apologize about any and all spelling/grammar errors here. I didn't edit…again.

I want to take a moment to thank **Animelover6000**, **tsukiki3000**, **LadyKatatonic**, **Usagi-san**, **Sasha**, **Nioyuki**, **BlackCatBexxie**, and **Vovo **for taking the time to review the last chapter. I was seriously nervous about posting it, so your words really encouraged me! Thank you all so much for being so kind! ^-^

Also, I thought I'd let you guys know (for the ones who don't yet) that I finally posted _Snowflakes and Cigarette Ashes_, my other Gan Ning/Ling Tong fic! ^-^ It's pretty different than this one, but still includes a Ling Tong with a drama-filled life~ Poor guy…

Thanks again!


	17. w o r r y

**Word Count: **3,647

* * *

w o r r y

* * *

My head felt like it had been slammed against a wall—so much so that I didn't really want to wake up. And the right side _really_ ached…

As I started to come to, my senses gradually returned to me. I figured out I was laying down—probably on a bed or something—and there were people talking around me. The voices sounded familiar, but I couldn't distinguish them or what was being said. _Gods_, my head hurt.

I let out a hitched groan, lifting a hand up to my forehead. Something cloth-like met underneath my fingers… Was there a bandage around my head? That would explain the pain, but I didn't remember injuring myself.

"Ling Tong?"

Who was that? I couldn't get my eyes to open for some reason…

"Can you hear me?"

_Of course I can hear you_…

"He's not responding."

The voice sounded urgent, worried—and painfully familiar.

"I'm fine…" I mumbled, moving my left hand around to see if anyone was seated beside my bed. Whoever was talking to me sounded so close…who the hell was it, though?

Someone sighed as slender, delicate fingers wrapped around my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Oh, thank heavens…"

"Can you open your eyes, Ling Tong?" A second voice asked me. It was deeper than the first—gruffer, too. And it sounded tired. "Can you hear what we're saying?"

I groaned again as I tried to crack my eyelids open, the effort in vain. "Lord Lu Meng…"

Another sigh of relief. "So you know it's me then, huh?"

"What about me?" The first voice asked.

"Boyan." I squeezed his hand tightly, finally having recognized the voice. "What the hell happened to me? My head…"

"Can you open your eyes first, Ling Tong?" He asked, tone and touch delicate.

Slowly, I managed to crack my left eyelid open, the right one following suit. I was in the infirmary—or one of them, anyway—which was dimly lit. It was…already getting dark out?

Lu Meng stood at the foot of the bed, smiling warmly; Lu Xun was seated right beside me, his small hands still holding my own. I could almost feel his relief as he leaned back in his chair, slender lips offering a smile. My head ached and swayed as I propped myself up on my elbow, both afraid—and a little hopeful—to see a fourth presence in the room. But a quick scan told me it was just us. I felt a little…disappointed.

"What happened?" I asked, carefully withdrawing my hand from Lu Xun's to prop myself up better. "I remember we were in the library and I was moving boxes, but after that…"

"Lu Xun tells me you passed out," Lu Meng informed. The expression on his face quickly sobered.

The little strategist cast me an apologetic look; I didn't understand why. "Well, I was telling you something and you responded once, but after that you didn't say a thing. So, I went to see what was wrong, and…" He hesitated, averting his gaze to his lap. "You just collapsed, hitting the side of your head on the table as you fell. I wasn't close enough, so I couldn't help you…"

"Ah…" I lifted my hands to my head, feeling the bandage wrapped tightly around it. "So that's what happened."

"I'm sorry," Lu Xun murmured. "If I had been a little closer—a little less careless—you wouldn't have hit your head…"

I blinked. "What? No—Lu Xun, you don't—don't apologize for that," I stammered, my guilt hindering my tongue. "None of this was your fault, so don't feel bad about it, alright?" I reached out for his hand, squeezing his fingers ever so lightly. "If you hadn't been around to see it happen, things probably would've been a lot worse."

Lu Xun's lips offered a bashful smile. "You're too kind…"

"Do you know why you passed out, Ling Tong?"

Both of us looked at Lu Meng, his expression ever serious. "Huh?"

"Do you have any idea as to why you might have collapsed all of a sudden?" He asked, slightly rephrasing his question. "Healthy warriors don't just drop like flies out of the blue."

"Lord Lu Meng—" Lu Xun began, looking just as surprised as I felt. "What are you suggesting?"

"Do you remember that night the three of us had dinner with Gan Ning?" He said, addressing Lu Xun. "Ling Tong suddenly felt ill and turned pale."

Lu Xun was quick to my defense. "But he just had too much to drink—"

"Did he?" Lu Meng cut him off. I felt like I was on trial for some heinous crime; all I did was pass out…

The smaller strategist fell silent.

"Ling Tong," Lu Meng was looking at _me_ now. "Have you been taking care of yourself lately? Is there anything going on that you're not telling us?"

I tried to think back to the night he'd mentioned. Yeah, I felt a little sick—and threw up a hell of a lot later—but that could've been a bad cold or something. And today…it was probably due to the fact I was undernourished.

"I'm not hiding anything," I replied. "I don't know why I suddenly felt ill that night. But I'm pretty sure I only collapsed today because I haven't really eaten in two days—there's nothing else going on. I'm perfectly fine."

Lu Xun cast me a serious look. "Master Ling Tong…you really have to take better care of yourself. Not eating in two days?"

Lu Meng seemed unconvinced. "Still, as a precaution, I'm going to run some tests on a blood sample."

"Blood sample?" I blinked, noticing one of my sleeves had been rolled up and a bandage wrapped around the inner part of my elbow. I…seriously didn't feel them stick a needle in me? I must've _really_ been out cold…

"You're a treasured warrior of Wu," Lu Meng went on, folding his arms in front of his chest. "Do you know how much we would suffer if something happened to you? And I'm not just talking about military strength; we'd suffer an irreplaceable loss as comrades and friends as well." He knit his brow together, expression both serious and anxious. "You can't be selfish anymore, Ling Tong. There are people who depend on you—both on and off the battlefield."

I couldn't help but think of one name—one face—in particular as he said that.

Gan Ning.

_"_…_I wouldn't mind murdering a bastard or two if it meant I could have you_…_"_

_ "Don't ever let anyone else touch you like this_…_just me."_

_ "I did this because I care."_

My heart twitched. Despite all the "_princess_" this, "_Tongy-boy_" that, and all the sarcasm in between, I actually meant something to Gan Ning—to what extent, I wasn't sure yet, but I still meant something. Enough that he'd risk his life to keep me save, enough to take a hit or get knocked off a cliff for my sake…

And I was probably willing to do the same thing for him.

As if on cue, the doors to the infirmary suddenly flew open, the loud _bang_ it made catching everyone's attention. There Gan Ning stood in the doorway, dark eyes glaring from Lu Meng to Lu Xun (_especially _at Lu Xun) until they finally landed on me. His expression immediately softened as his gaze moved to the bandage on my head.

"What the hell," he said as he bee-lined his way over to my bed. "What the hell did you do? What the hell did you two do to him?" The pirate demanded, casting an accusatory glare at the strategists present. Lu Xun hardly got out of the way in time before Gan Ning was standing in his place, his eyes looking me over like I was a battle plan or something.

"We didn't do anything to him, Gan Ning," Lu Meng informed him. "Just calm down—"

"Calm down?" The pirate snapped. "Look at him! He's got a fucking wrap around his head—he's in the _infirmary_. Calm down my ass!"

"Gan Ning," I said, grabbing his wrist. My heart started pounding in my chest. "Don't talk to him like that—that's insubordination." I quickly looked to Lu Xun, hoping he'd find some way to help me stop this. I'd never seen Gan Ning act so brash in front of Lord Lu Meng before. "Just give us a minute alone, please—I'll explain it to him."

"Yes, perhaps that's the best idea," Lu Xun began tugging the elder strategist's arm, leading him over toward the door. "Let's give them a chance to talk."

Lu Meng nodded, his eyes still fixed on Gan Ning. "You're lucky it's me you're dealing with, otherwise you could be discharged for comments like that." He pointed his finger in the pirate's direction. "Watch your mouth from now on."

I waited until the two had completely left the room, the door sliding closed behind them before I lifted my gaze up to Gan Ning. He had his lips against mine and his hands cradling my face before I could even think about reacting. His kisses were anxious and quick, one swiftly following the other as the pirate slid his tongue between my lips. I groaned into his open mouth—both from the pleasure of the kiss and the pain of my head. Lu Meng and Lu Xun were probably just outside the door…

As gently as I could, I broke from our kiss, noting the fact I was already breathless. Gan Ning moved one of his hands to brush away the strands of hair that had fallen onto my forehead, taking care not to apply too much pressure near the bandaged area.

"What happened?" He asked, his tone a softness I'd never heard before.

"I fell and hit my head."

He gave me a flat look. "Seriously?"

"Fine, fine," I sighed. "I collapsed and hit my head on the corner of the table. Better?"

"You idiot." Gan Ning's words were rather rude, but his tone was still just as soft as it had been earlier as he reached out to run the back of his hand against my cheek. "Who faints moving scrolls?" He offered a laugh, but I could tell he didn't really mean it; it was forced, almost like he was trying to cover up something… "You okay now?"

"I'm fine," I reassured him. "Well, my head hurts, but there's nothing wrong with me. I just forgot to eat."

The pirate snorted—but, once again, there wasn't any real emotion behind it. His half-lidded eyes scanned my face; I couldn't quite read his expression—sad?—worried?—but why? I hadn't done anything serious… "For how long?" He asked. "Most people don't lose it after missing a few meals."

I averted my gaze to the thin sheet that had been draped over me. "A day…or two."

Gan Ning blinked. "What? You mean you haven't eaten since that stupid ball?"

"Kind of…"

"You complete moron," he sighed as he leaned his head into the crook of my neck; the warmth of his breath ghosted down my skin. "What do you think you're doing? I go out of my way to keep you alive, and you abuse your body like this?" Gan Ning's tone of voice became angry, though not necessarily loud or harsh; on the contrary, it was still unusually quiet. He pressed his lips to my neck, hands squeezing my shoulders. I tilted my head to accommodate him. "You say _I'm _selfish," he whispered between open mouthed kisses, "but_ you're_ the thoughtless bastard here."

"Gan Ning—" I said, breathless, "not here…"

"Do you even know how worried I was?" The pirate went on, his nails digging into my skin. "Did you even think of that for a second? You stupid bastard…" He suddenly rested his forehead against my shoulder, his hands sliding down to my arms. "How do you think I felt—hearing you're in the damn infirmary? And then I see your head's all bandaged up—" Gan Ning's voice began to tremble.

My arms reached around to embrace him, the warmth of his bare torso—and his words—making my head spin. "Xingba…"

"You stupid, selfish bastard," he said again, wrapping his own arms around my shoulders and drawing me flush against his chest. "I swear, you pull this shit on me again and I'll—I'll…"

The weight of Gan Ning's words—of his actions, his voice—made my heart skip a beat (or stop momentarily altogether). He'd been worried…worried enough to make his voice waver—something I'd never heard before. Right then, as I held him like that, he seemed so vulnerable…it was hard to believe this was the same warrior whose name alone could send hundreds of soldiers running. And—what was worse—from the sound of it all, it actually made me think he might…

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I am a selfish bastard, aren't I?"

Gan Ning gave a breathless chuckle—a real one this time. "Didn't think you'd agree with me on that so soon."

I rolled my eyes and tried to gently push him away from me; I wanted to see his face. However, the pirate only moved his head enough to kiss me, his teeth nipping fervently at my lower lip, sucking it between his own. I squeezed his arms and leaned upward, trying to ignore the hideous aching in my head. I could almost ignore it with Gan Ning kissing me like this… His warmth made it so easy to forget.

I couldn't keep mistreating my body. Maybe it was okay before—before I was a fighter for Wu, before I'd met everyone I had. But now I had people counting on me.

And I had Gan Ning.

_"That's fine, though, since you've got me now."_

Whether we were "together" or not, he was still someone who'd become important to me. I didn't want to let him down. Or—maybe—I was being selfish: if something happened to me, then Gan Ning would find another lover…

The thought made my stomach churn.

With one last, lingering bite on my lower lip, Gan Ning parted from our kiss. He drew the back of his finger across my cheekbone with a sensual slowness; I lowered my hands to the bed, taking fistfuls of the sheets.

"I'm sorry," I said again, my tone more of a whisper than I had intended it to be. "I'll try to take better care of myself from now on."

"'_Try_?' No. You're _going_ to take better care of yourself," the pirate said, lightly prodding his finger into my chest. "I need you to stick around for a long time, got it?"

I couldn't help but mirror the smile on his face. I was right: we had each other. And that was reason enough for me. "I'm not making any promises, but I'll see what I can do."

"If you go and die on me too soon, I swear, I'll never forgive you," he said, the seriousness of his words contradicting the smile that curved his lips. I swallowed hard. Did he realize that, when he said things like this, it made my heart pound like crazy? Did he know how much it made me swoon like some sort of maiden? Even though his words carried a dark undertone, they still made my head spin.

"Anyway," he went on, "how 'bout we get you out of here?"

I blinked. "What? Why?"

"I want you all to myself right now," Gan Ning replied, his tone far too husky to be normal. "I don't want those two—or anyone else—comin' in here and touching you."

My face flushed at his blunt response. "You're not a doctor, you know, so you can't take care of me. And it's not like anyone else gets off on touching me like you do," I added, quickly moving my gaze to my lap.

"Bullshit." His voice had suddenly become very angry. My curiosity got the better of me as I glanced up to read his face: he was pretty damn pissed. "Don't you remember that night at the ball?"

"Yeah, but I was dressed as a woman—"

"Bullshit," he said again. "I _know_ I'm not the only man here who wants you—you're just too dense to realize it."

I rolled my eyes. "You're just paranoid and possessive."

"Want me to list them off for you?"

"There's a _list_?"

A loud knock on the door interrupted our petty argument. "You two done yet?" Lu Meng asked.

"Yes," I was quick to reply. Gan Ning cast me an unamused glare. "You can come back in."

"Change of plan, though," the pirate said as Lu Meng and Lu Xun entered the room. "I'll be taking the patient back to his room, since I know from experience how shitty these beds are."

Lu Meng arched an eyebrow as I caught my breath. Glad we could discuss this before the loud mouth started talking… "I suppose you might have a point, but it's best if we don't move him around too much. He probably has a concussion. And I don't think it's wise if you take him by yourself."

"That's fi—" I started, though the etiquette-less pirate quickly interrupted.

"Then help me."

The elder strategist blinked. "What?"

"Help me bring him back to his room," Gan Ning said.

"I think it would be better for Master Ling Tong's health if he were to recover in the comfort of his own room," Lu Xun said, throwing his two cents in.

Lu Meng scratched his chin, shifting his gaze back over to me. "How do you feel about this, Ling Tong?"

I sighed. If it would get the clingy brat hovering over me to shut up and behave himself for five minutes, I didn't really have much of a choice…

"It sounds fine."

* * *

I could hardly taste the food as I shoveled it into my mouth (possibly because of the pain medicine Lu Xun had given me), but that didn't matter—I was just happy to be _eating—_bred and fish and rice and beef and anything else that was on the platter Lu Xun had dropped off.

Gan Ning laughed, casually sprawled out on the other side of my bed, he propped himself up on his elbow. "You even make pigging out look sexy." He reached out to grab a piece of bread, but I quickly swatted his hand away. "Shouldn't you slow down a little? Didn't the old man say nausea was a concussion symptom? As exciting as it sounds, I don't really want to see you bring all that food back up." He laughed again.

"It's fine," I mumbled back."_God_, I love food…" I moaned shamelessly with a mouth full of rice, rolling my head back as the flavors finally started to hit home. Our chefs were _seriously_ talented.

"Is that all you love?" Gan Ning asked, casting me a sly smile.

I nearly choked, my heart lodging itself in my throat. "Wh-what?"

"Hah, gotcha!" The pirate said as he snatched a leg of chicken off the platter. He wasted no time in sinking his teeth into the tender flesh. "Sheesh, eating with you is like trying to steal a scrap of meat from starved wolves."

I managed to swallow my rice down with a long drink of water, still trying to recover from his casual question. Part of me was glad he didn't really mean it, but the other part was a little…disappointed? I doubted a conversation like that could've ended well, anyway…

"I think I'm full." The back-flips my stomach had started doing really killed my appetite. Did Gan Ning really want to know if I loved him? _Did_ I love him?

_Oh gods, not _this _question again_…

"Yeah?" He glanced over at the platter on my lap. "Mind giving me whatever's left—assuming there _is_ anything left." The pirate smiled, tossing the chicken bone onto one of the plates. "I'm a growing boy, y'know. Gotta have my protein."

"Here," I said, shoving the platter toward him. "Knock yourself out."

Gan Ning sat up to take it, though not before giving me a peck on the cheek. "Thanks."

Blood rushed to my face as I laid back down, rolling onto my side so the pirate couldn't see me blush. We'd already had sex, so…why did a simple kiss like that still embarrass me? There was so much crap that hadn't been answered yet…

"Tired?" He asked softly. I could hear him set the platter on the nightstand.

"I thought you were hungry," I commented.

"Unlike you, _I _actually eat on a regular basis." The mattress shifted as he moved on the bed. His finger trailed down my spine; I shivered. "Something on your mind? You seem quieter than usual."

I shrugged.

"Look at me."

Hesitantly, I rolled over onto my other side, coming nearly face-to-face with Gan Ning. I hadn't realized he'd gotten so close. The expression on his face was a cross between serious and thoughtful; I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his head.

"Do you remember what you said to me? Back at Chibi," he asked, lifting a hand to trace my jaw line with the tips of his fingers.

I forced a soft chuckle. "I said a lot of stuff that night—good and bad. You're going to have to be more specific."

"When I asked you what you were running from…" he paused, drawing his brows together ever so slightly. "You said, '_You killed my father_.' And that I piss you off." Another pause. My mouth had gone dry. "Is that really why you don't like me? Or—why you don't _want_ to like me? Because I killed him? Do you…still want revenge?"

* * *

**A/N: **That was probably the worst ending. Ever.

You guys…I'm so sorry about this chapter. ;~; Please don't kill me! Trust me when I say there will be PLENTY of angst in the next one. ^-^

I thought I'd update this story a little earlier than usual because I've neglected _Snowflakes & Cigarette Ashes_ this week… Hopefully I can update that soon, too.

I really want to say thank you to **BlackCatBexxie**, **Niouyuki**, **Usagi-san**, **Animelover6000**, **LadyKatatonic**, **Sasha427**, **tsukiki3000**, and **FelixTehCat **for taking the time to leave me such sweet reviews for the last chapter! ^-^ You guys are all so great… I hope you'll continue to support me and help me make this story better with your feedback. :) I really hope I didn't disappoint any of you too much with this update…

Thanks for reading everyone!

Ciao~!


	18. t o g e t h e r

**Word Count: **2,616

* * *

t o g e t h e r

* * *

"Do you…still want revenge?"

I swallowed thickly as my entire body iced over at Gan Ning's question. My heart pounded. My head spun.

Did I? Did I still want to kill him?

In the beginning, after I first found out about my father's death, revenge was the only thing I could think about—it was the only thing that reminded me I was real—that his death had been real. The idea of revenge, of killing Gan Ning, was the one thing I clung to so desperately during that time. It was a reason for me to keep going, a reason to become stronger… Back then, I hated Gan Ning so much—even before I met him. I wanted to kill him a thousand times; I wanted to make him suffer the same way he'd made me. I wanted to humiliate him, too. My hatred toward him was all I really felt for the longest time…

So, what did I feel for him now? My father's murderer? No matter how many times we kissed or had sex, he would still have my father's blood on his hands. Nothing would ever change that.

…What was I doing?

I'd known all along Gan Ning was the man who killed my father, and yet I got involved with him. It wasn't a fast or easy transition from complete loathing to _this—_whatever I felt for him now—but it still happened. A few friendly words, working together all the time…and then his advances…

Slowly, I sat up, unable to handle the intensity of Gan Ning's eyes. He made it so hard to think, being so close—or was that the concussion? My head hurt. This was too complicated…

"Ling Tong?"

Did I still want revenge? After everything that happened, though…

"I don't know," I finally replied, voice cracking. I kept my gaze straight, still unable to meet Gan Ning's eyes. "I don't know."

The mattress shifted as he moved, kneeling beside me. "If you still want revenge," he said, his tone way too soft and smooth. It almost made me shiver when he cupped the side of my face in his hand, turning my head to face him. He was being so gentle… "Then I'll leave you alone until you're ready to kill me."

My heart felt like it had just been punched right through the center. How could he say something like that in such a calm tone of voice? The thought of Gan Ning leaving now—of us never doing anything together again…it made something inside me ache and wither.

"I won't go easy, though," he went on, offering a forced smile. "But I doubt I could kill you…" Something stung my eyes again. "So…you'll just have to keep coming back until you finish the job, I guess."

He was… When he said things like this… Was Gan Ning really so calm about this? About me possibly killing him to avenge my father? He said he wouldn't go without a fight, but he also said he couldn't kill me… Was it really so easy for him to accept the idea of dying because of me?

That didn't make any sense. Revenge or not, Gan Ning was the person I wanted to live for earlier—he was the one I thought of when Lu Meng said I had to stop being selfish. I'd even thought it myself: we had each other. It didn't make any sense…to kill the man who I was living for now.

Was that what I got when I lost my father? In some sort of exchange…did I develop these feelings for Gan Ning?

Something wet and hot slid down my cheek. The pirate's eyes widened in surprise before quickly shifting into a serene look. "Hey, now… You sure you want to cry in front of me?"

"You stupid bastard," I mumbled, lowering my gaze to his chest. More tears worked their way past my eyelids; I felt like a fool. "I can't kill you—not now, not ever."

His lips curved into a soft smile. "So you're crying because you can't kill me?"

"Idiot." I slapped his hand away before rubbing my face on my sleeve. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from flowing, as embarrassing as it was. "I'm crying because I—I don't know why…"

Gan Ning chuckled. "So, no revenge, then?" He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me right up against the warmth of his bare chest.

Rubbing my eyes again, I replied: "No… No revenge."

The smile that lit up his face took me by surprise almost as much as the sudden hug he gave me. "Good," he murmured into my shoulder. "I don't think I could leave you alone now, anyway."

I rolled my eyes, thankful he couldn't see how the blood rushed to my face at the comment. "You're just possessive, that's all."

He gave a lighthearted snort as he held me at arm's length. "You know…you're pretty beautiful when you cry."

My brows furrowed (though my face flushed again, nonetheless). "Don't call me beautiful."

"You're beautiful," Gan Ning said with a sly smile before giving me a peck on the cheek.

"Shut up."

"You're handsome." Another peck on the cheek.

"Better."

"You're perfect." A peck on the lips.

I shoved him away from me, trying to ignore the weird sensation I felt when my hand met his bare chest. "Too far."

Gan Ning laughed, rolling onto the other side of the bed. "Whatever. You're mine now, so I can call you anything I want."

Once again, blood rushed to my face at his blunt comment. "I'm not _yours—_I'm not something to be owned," I snapped, anger (as always) acting to cover my embarrassment.

"I don't own you," he said casually, "but you're still mine."

"Whatever," I grumbled as I laid back down, making sure I had my back to him. "Possessive bastard…"

"Hey," he whispered.

"What?"

"How long did the old man say you're concussion's going to last?"

I pulled one of the sheets up and tucked it underneath my chin, suddenly feeling rather cold. "I don't know. A week? Two weeks? Why?"

Gan Ning let out a long, exaggerated groan. "That means we can't have sex again for two fucking weeks…"

My face felt uncomfortably hot. "What makes you think I'd have sex with you again, anyway?"

One of the pirate's arms draped over my waist, the heat of his chest radiating through my shirt. "It was so good the first time, though…wasn't it?" He whispered, hot breath ghosting over my ear. "And the way you moaned my name—Xingba—_god_, it sounded good… Money's not an issue if I can listen to _that_ sound every night."

"Shut up," I hissed, feeling painfully embarrassed (and painfully aroused by the memory).

The pirate chuckled, the vibrations echoing against my back. "I guess it'll be worth the wait, though… Fuck, I must be seriously whipped if I'm willing to go two weeks without sex," he commented, squeezing my waist. "See how dedicated I am to you? Gan Ning of the Bells isn't one to be tied down, y'know."

Something twinged in my chest. "What do you mean?"

"I've never really had a 'real' relationship before—plenty of sex, yeah—" I rolled my eyes "—but none of that whole _sleep-with-one-person-since-you're-together_ thing."

He said it so casually. He just said something so important _so casually_.

_Since you're together._

_ Together._

Were we…?

"Anyway," Gan Ning went on. "Enough sappy shit. Let's get some sleep." He pressed his lips against my neck; I hardly felt it, my thoughts and attention still locked on what he'd just said.

To him, we were…_together_?

* * *

Gan Ning was fast asleep.

I was wide awake.

My eyes drifted over his face, glaring at his dead-asleep expression. Of course he wouldn't spend a lot of time—if any—dwelling on the things he said.

_"I've never had a 'real' relationship before…none of that whole _sleep-with-one-person-since-you're-together _thing."_

_ Since you're together. _It was still spinning circles in my mind.

Hadn't I wondered that before, if we were 'together' or not? It was a good thing he said it…wasn't it? It reaffirmed what I'd thought: we had each other and…we _were_ together. So, did that—along with everything else Gan Ning ever said (or did) to me—maybe mean…he might love me?

Did I love _him_?

How do you figure out if you love someone or not?

_Well, I'll just go over what I know to be true, _I told myself. _I like Gan Ning, yes. I…like to kiss him. Maybe it's just me being masochistic, but I actually like being around him._

Gan Ning shifted in his sleep, making the strangest face as he rolled onto his stomach. I smiled. He looked so…different when he slept. Peaceful. Vulnerable.

_"_…_I wouldn't mind killing a bastard or two if it meant I could have you_…_"_

Sure, Gan Ning was rough around the edges—especially when you first meet him—but…he's kind of this big, sappy (possibly sex-addicted) guy when you actually get to know him. Past all the _bastard_-this and _fucking_-that, he wasn't so bad. Now that he'd grown on me, I couldn't imagine my life without him. Maybe it was weird of me to say he was the "man I was living for," but…it's kind of true. Though I served Lord Sun Quan, I'd probably do anything to keep the stupid, reckless pirate from getting hurt, too.

I bit my lower lip, suddenly burying my face in the sheets (not that anyone was awake to see me). I'd been thinking like some lovesick maiden again… But, maybe I _did _love Gan Ning…

Maybe.

* * *

The pirate took it upon himself to "monitor" me for the next week. The worst part was the fact Lu Meng actually thought it was a good idea.

_"You need supervision in case you suddenly collapse again," _he'd told me.

Like Gan Ning was _any _type of good "supervision."

Due to Lu Meng's strict orders, I was basically confined to my room the entire time, which meant I wasn't able to help Lu Xun in the library. I felt really bad (especially since whenever he stopped by, Gan Ning would tell him I was sleeping and then tell _me_ it was just a nurse at the door—I figured out he was lying pretty fast, though). I wasn't allowed to do anything "physically exerting" or anything that required a lot of "mental concentration" for the duration of confinement. So, to pass the time, I mostly slept. I was surprised Gan Ning stuck around the entire time, considering how painfully boring it must've been for him.

Gan Ning didn't mention us being "together" again after that night. I wondered if it was just a one-time thing or if he was too proud to admit to it again. Regardless, the lack of real conformation kept my head buzzing with doubt—and any other stupid anxiety it could pick up. I _really _hated sitting around.

Every now and then I'd feel unusually weak or tired, but I figured it was just due to the concussion—or the weird medicine that were being dropped off for me from either Lu Meng or Lu Xun. Other than that, I felt pretty okay.

Finally, after about a week and a half, the pain in my head was virtually nonexistent. I somehow managed to convince Gan Ning to let me out of my room, though he insisted on going with me.

"It's just a walk," I told him as we passed through another empty corridor. It was still pretty early in the morning.

"Yeah? I think I remember running into you while you were out for a 'walk' once before," he replied. "I also remember having to carry you back to your bed. You and casual walks don't mix, bud."

"Leave me alone." I shoved him hard in the arm. He laughed.

"You're stuck with me forever now," Gan Ning said through a toothy grin. My skin bristled. "Might as well get used to it."

I shot him an icy look, not to say my face didn't feel a little warm from the comment. "Why am I 'stuck' with you all of a sudden?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" He asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me right up against him. "You and I—"

"Ah, Ling Tong!"

Both of us looked to see Lu Meng rounding the corner. Part of me was relieved to see him, but the other part of me was unbelievably pissed off by his timing.

"Are you sure you're feeling well enough to be out of bed so soon?" He asked as he approached. I quickly removed myself from Gan Ning's grasp.

"Er, yeah," I replied. "I don't really have any of the symptoms anymore, so I think I'm fine now."

Lu Meng arched an eyebrow. "Can you vouch for him, Gan Ning?"

The pirate nodded. "Yeah. You can't even tell he fainted in the first place."

I shot him a glare, not too fond of the word 'faint.' It sounded…really wimpy to me. But I figured he was only so eager for me to be healed so we could have sex again. It was hard not to roll my eyes.

"In that case," the strategist quirked his lips, "why don't you go out with Lu Xun today?"

I blinked. "What?"

"Lu Xun's heading into town today to pick up a few things," Lu Meng went on. I wondered if he was really so unaware of the dagger eyes Gan Ning was throwing him. "Why not go with him? It'll give you a chance to stretch your legs."

"I'll go too, then," the pirate said, voice gruff.

"Not so fast. _You_ have a date with a scrub rag and a dungeon."

"_What_?"

I laughed. "That sounds good. You've been sitting around too much lately, anyway—go do something physical."

Gan Ning cast me a devilish grin. "I had _other _physical activities in mind for later today…"

Lu Meng cut me off before I had the chance to reply—or smack him. "Well, it'll just have to wait. You got off easy while watching over Ling Tong, but now you can get back to work.

"Old man!" Gan Ning gave an exaggerated groan. I rolled my eyes this time. "What if he passes out again?" He jerked his thumb in my direction. "Not like the little pipsqueak Lu Xun could catch him if he fell."

"They'll be fine, Gan Ning," Lu Meng reassured. "It's just a short trip to the market."

"But—"

"Dungeon. Now. _Go_." The elder strategist said, gently shoving the pirate in the right direction. "Anyway, Ling Tong, Lu Xun should be in the garden. He'll be leaving soon."

I nodded, trying not to get a kick out of the pissed look etched into Gan Ning's face. "Right."

"Don't do anything stupid!" The blond shouted back over his shoulder. "Seriously—"

"Stop talking and walk, will you?" Lu Meng smacked him upside the head the way he always did. "You sound like a worried housewife right now."

I felt a smile quirk my lips as I watched Lu Meng struggle to get Gan Ning to cooperate.

Housewife…

_"I've never really had a 'real' relationship before…"_

This was new to both of us, being in a 'real' relationship. But, being in a relationship would mean we were really _together_…

So…we were.

We were 'together.'

Oddly enough, the thought made me smile…but that was probably the masochistic part of me. Regardless, I had to go find Lu Xun.

There was a certain present I needed to buy.

* * *

**A/N: **Strange and misleading ending is strange and possibly very misleading…

I realize this update is much later than usual, and I'd like to apologize for that. I had a difficult time writing it, and now that I'm back in school (x_x) I don't know how often I'll have the chance to update… But, I still _really_ want to keep this almost weekly, I owe it to you guys—my readers. ^-^

As always, I want to take a moment to thank my far-too-kind-to-me reviewers: **Vovo**, **Usagi-san**, **Niouyuki**, **Sasha427**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **tsukiko3000**, **Animelover6000**, **LadyKatatonic**, and **Red Queen of Spades**. I'm always so happy/relieved to know you guys liked the last chapter I posted! And I'm also happy to know you don't mind my cruddy cliff-hanger endings. ^-^ You're all really too sweet to me… Your reviews make me so happy—and you're all the reason I want to keep this story updated on a regular basis! :) Thank you all so very much!

I really hope this chapter wasn't too disappointing… I wasn't into it at all, and it was rather difficult to write, despite the fact I kind of knew where I wanted to go with it all along… :/ I'll try to make it up to you all in the next one! Something BIG is going to happen! Big…but not good. Hm… ;)

Also, if you'd like update information on this story or _Snowflakes & Cigarette Ashes_, I made a twitter just for stuff like that (xian_ke), so feel free to follow or browse! I usually post chapter teasers there ^-^

Thanks for reading!

Ciao~!


	19. g i f t

**Word Count: **2,664

* * *

g i f t

* * *

The market was already bustling with activity when Lu Xun and I got there late that morning. The little strategist had been unusually happy during our walk. Or, maybe I'd spent too much time with Gan Ning and wasn't _used _to someone being so innocently happy… I apologized to him several times for not helping in the library—and for Gan Ning's childish behavior. Of course, Lu Xun was polite and gracious about it.

I never noticed it before, but the _smells_ of the market were intoxicating—food, drinks, incense, herbs—everything overwhelmed my senses at once. It'd been so long since I left the castle, I wasn't used to all the noise and sights and sounds. But it was great—just what I needed after being cooped up for so long; Lu Meng had been right about that. It felt like I was living again.

"Gongji, this way," Lu Xun tugged on my hand; I almost lost him in the sudden surge of people. "I need to pick up some new medicines first."

"By 'new,' do you mean more of the stuff we have? Or 'new' like we've never needed them before?" I asked, sidestepping to avoid colliding with two men carrying a carpet. Had this place always been so chaotic? Or was that just because it was so early?

Lu Xun offered an estranged smile. "The latter. I want to try making some new elixirs, so I need different herbs, that's all."

I nodded and accepted his answer, though I figured there was some other hidden meaning behind it. It didn't concern me, though, so I didn't pry into it.

"I'm glad to see you in such high spirits, Gongji," Lu Xun went on. "I was really worried after you hit your head—we all were. I was afraid that… Well…" He hesitated before an innocent smile curled his lips. "I was afraid you might have changed."

"Nah, still the same old loser you've always known," I replied, reaching out to ruffle his brown locks. "_You_, on the other hand, have sobered up a lot. I think you've been spending too much time with Lu Meng."

Lu Xun laughed as he gently pushed my hand away. "Perhaps you're right… But, please," he looked right up at me with those puppy-dog eyes of his, "don't call yourself a loser, Gongji."

I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling rather embarrassed all of a sudden. "Um, right… Sorry." It was then a certain sound reached my ears—just barely, though. I recognized it in a second. "Hey, Boyan, there's something I need to pick up. I'll be right back, alright?" But I was already weaving my way through the swarm of people before he had the chance to answer.

I shouldn't have been as excited as I was to buy something for someone else.

* * *

After Lu Xun had bought all the herbs he needed (which were a _lot_), we headed back to the castle. He kept asking how I was feeling, if we should stop and rest—things like that. I was kind of flattered by how concerned he was, but at the same time…it was kind of annoying. I felt fine—pretty damn good, actually, carrying the thick cotton bag in my hand (which was probably heavier than the item that was inside).

The trip back seemed to be a lot longer than the trip there, but we finally passed through the castle gates late that afternoon. I was eager to find Gan Ning—too eager, probably. I couldn't believe how much of a turn-around I made the last week or two. It was almost kind of weird…

_I guess that stupid expression is true, though: you don't choose who you fall in love with. Bet no __one else's situation is as messed up as mine, though._

"I'm glad to see you in such high spirits, Gongji," Lu Xun said for the second time that day, lips curled innocently. "It's been so long since I've seen you smile like that."

"What?" I blinked. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "I can't quite put my finger on it…but you just seem so happy lately. It's just nice to see you smile so genuinely."

I just stared at him, totally stupefied by what he'd just said.

Was it true, though? Did I—_was _I—happier now?

…Was it because of…Gan Ning?

_Should I even give him that much credit_…_? _But it must've been because of him—or, really, 'us' (which sounded _way _too cheesy to sit well with me). Something Lu Xun once said came to mind…

_"Things would be better if you two learned to get along."_

Well, I couldn't really deny that statement: things _were_ better now that Gan Ning and I weren't trying to kill each other (or, maybe that had really been one-sided all along?). And it wasn't just better for us—by getting along, it stressed the people around us less, too. In hindsight, we'd been selfish to fight the way we did in the first place. Like a couple of kids hell-bent on revenge.

_"So, no revenge, then?"_

No. No revenge. It was a stupid thing to strive for, anyway—bloodshed begets bloodshed. I wouldn't be ending or solving anything by killing Gan Ning.

So…how are we supposed to end the conflict _with _conflict? Stop future wars by waging wars? Protect lives by taking them? Ah—shit like that's too complex… I don't think there's any real answer to that, anyway.

Wars, conflicts—whatever it was, I didn't care. I didn't have to face it by myself anymore.

For the first time since my father died, I didn't feel alone.

"Ah, there's Lord Lu Meng," Lu Xun commented, pulling me out of my thoughts. I hadn't even realized I was so engrossed in them until we were halfway through the castle.

As the kid said, Lu Meng was waiting for us down the corridor. He had such a sullen look on his face, almost giving off a gloomy aura. It was weird, but I was still in such a good mood, I didn't let it bother me much.

"Lord Lu Meng!" Lu Xun called eagerly. "We're back!"

The elder strategist nodded as we approached. "I can see that." I watched his expression change as his gaze shifted to me. He almost looked…sorry? No, that wasn't it… "Did you get the herbs?" He asked, looking back to Lu Xun.

"Yes. We should have everything we need, now."

"Ling Tong." Lu Meng lifted his gaze to me again. Just _what _was that look on his face? It was like he was reliving a painful memory or something. "I'd like to talk to you."

"Can it wait a bit?" I asked, lifting the bag in my hand. "I want to give this to Gan Ning."

"So _that's _who it's for…" Lu Xun commented, smiling as always. "What is it?"

"A present," I replied.

Lu Meng shifted uncomfortably. "Well…all right. Just come to my study as soon as you're done. Lu Xun, come with me."

The little strategist gave a quick nod. "Yes, sir." He cast me a quick grin before following Lu Meng down the corridor.

I sighed, relieved to finally be by myself. My heartbeat started to pick up as I made my way to my room, figuring that would be the first place to look for the pirate. Then again, maybe he was doing something with Ding Feng again…

This was strange. We were '_together,_' so…I just bought a present for my…boyfriend?

I shuddered. _That sounds too weird._

_ 'Lover' _sounded a little better…but still weird. It was just strange to think of myself in a relationship. I'd always been so busy with work or training, I never really made time for anything like this. I felt like an awkward teenager.

And I was a twenty-four-year-old man.

_My life is seriously fucked up._

As I reached the door to my room, I kind of wanted to punch myself—I couldn't figure out why I was so nervous. It was just a stupid present, not like I was walking to the gallows or something… So, taking a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped inside.

What I saw surprised me.

Gan Ning was fast asleep on my side of the bed, the pillow I usually used tucked between his arms. He looked like a child—the great and fearsome Gan Ning, hugging a pillow the way a baby would. It was cute, I had to admit it. As strange as it felt to call him—or anything he did—'cute,' it was _very_ cute. He looked so innocent (which was _extremely_ hard to believe, considering who it was) and vulnerable…I couldn't help but smile.

I made my way over to the edge of the bed as quietly as I could, setting my bag down beside the nightstand. Gan Ning was so sound asleep… I placed a hand on his bare shoulder and leaned closer to his face. I never noticed how dark his eyelashes were before. Or, really, how attractive he was. I mean, I always _knew _he was, but…he looked different right then. Even more handsome than usual.

Leaning even closer, I pressed my lips against the warm skin of his cheek, letting them linger there for a moment. Gan Ning stirred in his sleep, cracking an eye open ever so slightly; I smiled.

"'M dreaming…or you really just kissed me," he mumbled, voice thick from having just woken up. The pirate still managed to shoot me a fox-like grin, though.

I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder, rolling him onto his back. "What, _I'm _not allowed to initiate a kiss?"

Gan Ning gave a small snort. "Nah… I just figured you never would."

"Whatever." I knelt on the edge of the bed and leaned over to give him a quick kiss, noting how he still held the pillow. "Any reason you're holding that?" I nodded toward it, trying not to smile too smugly.

"What, this?" The pirate smacked the pillow against the side of my head. "Smells nice. Reminds me of someone who likes to spend his time with little brats instead of me."

I rolled my eyes again and swiped the pillow out of his hands. "You mean the same one who rushed back to give you a gift?"

"Eh?" Gan Ning cocked an eyebrow as he sat up. I slid off the bed as he moved to sit at the edge of it. "What're you talking about?"

"This," I said, lifting the bag from the floor and dropping it onto his lap. My heart started to flutter a little. "It's just something I picked up at the market—something I owe you, y'know." I winked. "Anyway, go ahead and open it."

"If it's a baby in here," he said, drawing one of the strings out, "that's one weird-ass way to ask for my hand." He paused to give me a cocky wink; I shot him a glare.

"It's not a baby, you moron," I snapped.

"So you're asking to marry me in a different way, then?"

"What the hell gave you the idea I'm proposing? Just open the damn bag!" I managed to reply, blood pooling under my cheeks.

"Pipe dream, then, eh?" Gan Ning laughed. His expression froze, however, when a soft, familiar ringing came from the bag as he pulled the item out. I caught my breath. "No way. You didn't." He held the bells up in front of him. "You got me new ones?"

"If I remember correctly, a certain blond-haired pirate said I owed him new ones." I shrugged, trying to play off my nervousness; his reaction was so hard to read. Was he happy? "Besides, I kind of owe you for saving my life…twice…and babysitting me the last week."

Gan Ning looked back down at the bells, utterly stupefied. "You didn't have to—you ass, I wasn't serious."

Something throbbed painfully in my chest. He didn't like it?

"Fuck." He set the bells down on the bed before shielding his eyes with a hand.

"What? You don't like them?" I asked, trying my best not to sound as disappointed as I actually was. "Is it because they look wrong? I tried to find ones that looked and sounded just like your old ones, but the vendor only had these—"

"You idiot. You think I don't like it?" The pirate lowered his hand. His eyes were unusually shiny… Was he…about to cry? I stared as he stood from the bed and wrapped his arms around me, grip like a vice. "Moron."

I returned his embrace, feeling him press his forehead into the crook of my neck. "So…you like it, then?"

"'Course I do," he replied without hesitation, squeezing me as if to prove his point. "It's the best gift I've ever received." Another (tight) squeeze. "You didn't have to get me new bells, though."

"I bought them because I wanted to," I said, running a hand up and down the length of his back. His skin was always so warm…

Gan Ning finally released me from his grip only to cup my face in his hands, leaving me no time to react before he started to kiss me. His lips were soft, possessive, his tongue easing my mouth open for him. I complied, moving my hands up to take fistfuls of his shaggy blond locks. It didn't matter to me if he dominated the kiss or not; I was too transfixed by the way he stroked my upper pallet with his tongue. It almost tickled.

I felt his hands travel down to my waist, pulling my hips flush against his. I groaned into his open mouth as he suddenly squeezed my ass, working his fingers into the skin.

_"I had _other _physical activities in mind for later today…"_

Gan Ning's words from earlier echoed fresh in my mind as I broke from our kiss, the need for air being the only reason. He didn't hesitate to press open-mouthed kisses along my neck, grinding our hips together as he did so. I knew exactly where this was going…and I was all too willing.

And then I remembered Lu Meng.

_Shit_…

"Gan Ning," I said, swallowing a moan as he moved a hand to palm my groin. "I can't—not right now…" It was hard to think when he did things like this, let alone tell him to stop…

"Why," he mumbled against my skin. It wasn't so much of a question as it was an uninterested statement.

"I—have to talk to Lu Meng," I managed to reply. He palmed my groin again, squeezed it. I moaned shamelessly. "_Gods—_Gan Ning, please—later, I promise. As soon as I get back." I was saying this as much for him as I was myself at this point. I'd gone twenty-four years without sex, but ever since I slept with Gan Ning _once_…it wasn't enough. I wanted more.

I could feel the reluctance in the pirate's lips as he pressed one last kiss to the side of my neck, both of his hands moving to my hips. "Fine," he whispered against my lips. "But I'm holding you to that. As soon as you're back in this room." Gan Ning gave me a brief, hungry kiss. "I mean it—the minute you walk in."

"Yeah, yeah, okay…" I tried to remove myself from his grasp as gently as possible; I knew if he kept going, I wouldn't be able to say no. "I'll make it quick."

"You better. I don't like to wait." The pirate smacked my ass as I turned to leave. "Hustle it, babe."

I shot my head back to cast him a dark glare. "_Don't_ call me that."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be _begging _for me to call you that later…along with a few other things." Gan Ning winked. My face burned.

He was a shameless sex-addict.

I was sure of it.

* * *

**A/N: **I was planning on making this chapter a little longer, but I felt bad since I haven't updated in a while, so I decided against it… I hope there weren't too many errors. x_x And yes, I realized the big 'bad' thing didn't happen this chapter…I cut it out of this one so I could update sooner. Next one for sure, though! I'm positive of it! ;D

I'd like to apologize for the later-than-usual update (again? Probably…). School's been a real pain lately, and I'm usually just too tired to write these days. :S

Hwaa~ I seriously need to thank my loyal, too-sweet-to-me, wonderful reviewers! **Tsukiko3000**, **Niouyuki**, **Vovo**, **Sasha427**, **LadyKatatonic**, **Animelover6000**, **Usagi-san**, and **BlackCatBexxie**. You guys really are too kind to me. I say this every single chapter, but I honestly do appreciate the fact you take the time to review my story so much. I'll never be able to thank you all enough! ^-^

My reviewers (and readers) are the reason I want to keep this story updated on a regular basis. I don't want to let you guys down! :3

Thanks again for reading~

Ciao!


	20. d u s t

**Word Count: **3,020

* * *

d u s t

* * *

Lu Meng was waiting for me in his study, just like he said he would be. I was a little surprised to see Lu Xun still there, though. He offered me a faint smile as I entered; Lu Meng's expression remained morbid.

It felt like I had just walked into a graveyard. The entire mood was starting to make me uneasy. Maybe I should have stayed with Gan Ning instead…

"Ling Tong," the elder strategist nodded in my direction from behind his desk. "Have a seat."

"Thanks, but I think I'll stand," I replied as politely as possible.

"I think you might want to."

"I'm really—"

"_Sit_, Ling Tong."

I sat on the nearest chair without another word; Lu Xun visibly flinched from his spot beside the bookshelves. It was so rare to hear Lu Meng raise his voice like that, especially for something a stupid as sitting…

He sighed, scratching the beard on his chin. I noticed it was thicker than usual. "Ling Tong, how have you been feeling lately?"

"Fine," was my automatic response. "I feel fine."

Lu Meng glanced at Lu Xun. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Just what was going on?

"How are you _really_ feeling, Gongji?" He asked, tone soft. It surprised me to hear him use my style name, and it was then I knew this was really serious.

I swallowed, wondering when my throat had gotten so dry. "I don't know," I said, thankful my voice didn't crack. The two strategists exchanged glances again. It made me nervous. "Lord Lu Meng…what's going on? Why are you two acting so secretive?"

The elder sighed again and sat down at his desk. "Gongji, what we're about to tell you is very serious, but I need you to keep an open mind—I need you to listen all the way through. Can you do that?"

I nodded.

"I mean that. You can't rush out of here before you've heard everything we have to say. Understand?"

"Yeah." My palms began to sweat. This feeling—this atmosphere—was starting to make me physically sick. I looked over at Lu Xun for some reassurance, but he wouldn't lift his gaze from the floor. Just what were they about to tell me?

Lu Meng leaned over his desk, propping his elbows against the wood. He looked older…or maybe it was the lighting. "Do you remember the night we ate with Gan Ning in the infirmary, Gongji?"

I nodded again as knots started to form in my stomach. Was this about Gan Ning? Was he okay? He was leaving—wasn't he? He was leaving and hadn't told me a thing—that was it. Now Lu Meng and Lu Xun were forced to tell me. _That's _why it was so awkward—_that's _why it felt like my stomach had dropped to the lowest part of my being.

"And the time you were with Lu Xun in the library when you passed out?" Lu Meng went on.

I…nodded once again. It couldn't be about Gan Ning anymore—it didn't make any sense, now that Lu Xun had been brought up… What the hell was it? What where they slowly leading me up to? My palms were already wet; I tried to casually wipe them on the fabric of my pants.

Now it was Lu Meng who nodded, his face unusually pale in color. "We ran some tests on the blood samples we got from you that day in the infirmary." He paused, glanced over at Lu Xun. The little strategist had a hand over his mouth, gaze still transfixed to the floor. I pressed my sweat-streaked palms into my thighs, trying (in vain) to will away the feeling of dread that had suddenly possessed me.

"You're sick, Gongji."

I stared at Lu Meng. Blinked. Then I started to laugh—nervously laugh. "You really had me worried there… Sick? That's all?" I looked at their faces: Lu Xun seemed as though he was on the verge of tears. I almost felt the same. "What kind of 'sick'? Sick with what?" I asked, my laughter dying along with any hope I had that this wasn't a big deal.

"That's just it," Lu Meng's voice cracked a little as he spoke. "We don't quite know—not yet. It's something neither of us have seen before, something we've yet to find in a book."

My eyes stayed locked on Lu Meng's face. He looked so old, so tired—this must be a dream. Lu Xun wasn't saying anything—why hadn't he said anything yet?

"I'm—I'm going to be okay, though…right?"

Lu Meng seemed to shake his head in slow-motion; his eyes wouldn't meet mine. My stomach dropped. My heart stopped. My hands took fistfuls of the fabric of my pants. He…he wasn't serious, was he? He meant to nod—to say 'yes,' right?

"I'm dying, then. Aren't I?" I asked, surprised by how frail and child-like my voice sounded. "You can't—I'm just… I'm going to die soon, is that it?"

"I'm so sorry, Gongji," Lu Xun suddenly cried, breaking his silence. Tears were freely streaming down his face; he was right beside me in a matter of seconds, slender arms coiled around my shoulders for dear life. "I've been looking everywhere—in every possible book. We're looking for a cure, I swear it—we'll find one, Gongji! I'm so sorry." His little frame shook with heavy sobs, hitched breathing. He sounded so far away; I could hardly feel his touch…

It felt as though I'd been hit by a brick. Or a wall. Or dragged to the bottom of the ocean. I couldn't breathe, couldn't talk. I had to swallow several times before I could even lift my arms to return Lu Xun's embrace, trying my best to soothe him. He was scared—I was scared.

I was dying.

"I'm sorry, Gongji," Lu Xun sobbed over and over into the side of my neck, the warmth of his tears reminding me that I was, in fact, still alive—and that this wasn't a dream. "I'm so sorry…"

What…was this feeling? It felt like something was pressing down on my chest, suffocating me. I was dying. I mean—I was _really _dying, and they didn't know why—_I _didn't know why.

I was sick.

I was dying.

Would it be painful? Would I wither away slowly? Would the people around me have to watch? Oh gods… Gan Ning. How could I—how could I tell him I was dying when I could hardly come to grips with it myself?

How do you prepare yourself for death?

How do you prepare _other_ people for your death?

The pressure on my chest increased; I was grateful Lu Xun had finally withdrawn himself from me. I couldn't breathe—I really couldn't. My throat felt swollen—it was like breathing through a paper-thin straw. I gasped, a hand instinctively moving to my throat. Something stung my eyes. It was so hard to breathe…

"Gongji!"

Lu Xun hovered beside me. I gasped again, swallowed. I didn't want to leave—not yet. Everyone dies, but to be told upfront like this—to be faced with your own mortality like this… I drew a deep breath, fighting the stinging sensation in my eyes. My chest tightened. I didn't want to leave Gan Ning…

"Gongji, are you alright?"

What a stupid question. I almost wanted to laugh—if only I had enough oxygen to. Was I okay… I was dying and, at the moment, I was having a hard time just breathing.

Another deep breath, then I started to yawn uncontrollably. I wanted air—I wanted to keep breathing—I wanted to live.

I wanted to see Gan Ning.

Slowly, I got to my feet, shielding my mouth as I yawned again. The overwhelming urge to cry came over me, but I didn't indulge it—not yet.

"Gongji—" Lu Xun's face was pale with worry.

"Sorry," I gasped, running a hand down my throat. "I—I… I want to be…alone."

But that wasn't true. I was already alone—so suddenly, painfully lonely. I didn't want to be by myself right then anymore than I wanted to be dying. I just wanted some room to breathe.

I just wanted to see Gan Ning.

Without giving them a chance to say otherwise, I made my way over to the door and swiftly exited. My legs carried me on autopilot, my attention too focused on blinking back the tears that lined up along the edge of my eyes. My entire chest ached, my body felt cold—cold, like it would be when I was dead… I didn't want to be cold.

Gan Ning was always warm, so warm…

I don't know when the tears finally started to spill over; I only noticed my blurred vision. But my feet continued to take me where I wanted to go, ignoring the quizzical glances or inquiries of concern from blank faces as I passed. I couldn't recognize them—didn't want to stop and take the time. Unless they had a mop of unruly blond hair or bells around their chest, I didn't want to see them, didn't want to talk.

At some point I must have started running; my breath came out in hitched, uneven pants as I finally reached the door to my room. I stood outside it, pressed my forehead to the cool wood, crying and panting. My eyes burned. My chest ached. My fingers were too cold…

_"As soon as I get back."_

_ "I mean it—the minute you walk back in."_

The memory of Gan Ning's voice choked my tears in my throat. He was just on the other side of the door, waiting…

How many more times could we be with each other like this? How many times did we have left to have sex? But it would never be the same—any of it. It was all ruined because I knew I was dying. Any second, any memory could be my last. I wasn't ready to face the reality of that—I didn't want to. I never wanted to.

I pushed the door open and stumbled inside, promptly closing it behind me and leaning against it for support. It was still so hard to breathe, my panting ragged and rough…

"Finally!" Gan Ning said as he turned from the mirror. I could hardly make out his face through the blur of my tears, but I knew his expression had changed—it was enough of a dramatic turn-around for me to see. "What… What happened?"

I lost it.

Cupping a hand over my mouth to subdue my gasps, I slid down to the floor, sobs shaking my entire body. I really couldn't breathe—my lungs demanded more air, but I was too busy crying to grant its wish. I couldn't see anything; the room had blurred into pools of color, all reds and yellows from the sunset.

"Hey—hey—hey," Gan Ning's voice was the only thing that registered as he knelt beside me. His touch was the only real thing I could feel, his warm, heavy hands clasping my wrists. "Hey now… Calm down. It's okay." His lips pressed against my forehead, my cheek, the back of my hand, the inside of my wrist. I kept crying.

I couldn't stop.

"What did the old man say to you to get you so worked up?" The pirate asked, trying to make light of the situation. I could still hear how worried he was, still feel his hands tremble ever so slightly. "Whatever it is, don't worry about it… Just calm down, okay?" He whispered, pressing kissing into my palm. "I promise, whatever it is, I'll help you through it. You're not alone, Ling Tong." He gripped my wrists tighter. "I'm right here."

I gasped for air again. I knew it—I knew right then, right when he said that—that I wouldn't tell him I was dying. The information had crushed me—I didn't want it to do the same thing to him. I didn't want to see him upset—I didn't want to see him cry the way I was crying right then.

I was going to shield Gan Ning from this for as long as possible.

Forever, if I could.

* * *

It was warm. So warm.

There was an unusual puffiness in my eyes as I gradually woke up—the strange thing was, I didn't remember falling asleep. I soon realized the warmth I was feeling was thanks to the blankets that were piled up on top of me. Didn't remember that, either—or getting into bed in the first place.

What had I been doing before…? My eyes were swollen, my head felt rather heavy, and I couldn't shake this uneasy, lonely feeling from my chest…

Then I remembered: I was dying. Everything came back to me after that in a blur—the meeting in Lu Meng's study, finding out I was sick, coming back here, Gan Ning…

I bolted upright, eyes darting around the room. Where was he? Did he leave? I just wanted to see him—but…maybe it was better if I didn't. I didn't want to explain why I had been crying so hysterically.

The room was dark. Night? I really _had_ fallen asleep, then…but where was—

"Calm down there, tiger." The voice—and the proximity of it—instantly put me at ease. I glanced over to my right; there Gan Ning was, laying beside me, hands folded behind his head. He smiled. "What're you looking for?"

"Nothing," I replied, too embarrassed to say it had been him.

"Feel better?" He asked as he reached out to run the back of his hand down my arm. It was then I noticed I was shirtless.

"Mm." I nodded. His touch felt like heaven.

I didn't want to leave Gan Ning…not the way I was going to. I wanted—needed more time. More time to embarrass him, see that elusive soft-side that he showed only to me, more time to see that cat-like smile over and over until I could picture it in my sleep… I wanted to memorize Gan Ning, every inch of him.

But would it matter? Do you keep your memories when you're dead?

"What happened?" I suddenly asked, desperate to distract myself from where my thoughts were going. It was too morbid. Hadn't I cried enough for one day?

Gan Ning sighed. "I was wondering the same thing." He lowered his hand, running it through his mop of hair. "I've never seen you so worked up before. You wore yourself out with all that crying, so I brought you to bed—which, by the way, was no easy feat," he cast me a grin; I could tell it was reserved, though. "You try moving around a lanky bastard like yourself." Gan Ning playfully smacked my arm. I smiled.

"Was there any real reason to take my shirt off, though?"

He laughed. "Nah, guess not… I just like to look." The pirate sat up, snaking an arm around my shoulders and pulling me right up against the warmth of his bare skin. "You really had me worried," he said. I turned my body into his, lifting a hand to brush a stray lock of hair away from his face. "You seem to be doing that a lot lately—worrying the crap out of me." Gan Ning smiled, kissed my cheek. "You're just bound and determined to shorten my lifespan, aren't you?" He gave an inward chuckle.

I wanted to laugh myself. It was _my_ lifespan shortening—not his. But I wouldn't have it the other way around—never. If either of us was going to outlive the other, I wanted it to be him: I wanted Gan Ning to outlive me.

"So," he went on, making a slight face at my continued silence, "what did the old man say to make you that upset?"

It felt like my entire body had iced over. What was I going to say? I'd already decided I wasn't going to tell him the truth—that I was dying. But how was I going to answer? If, for some reason, I didn't tell Gan Ning now and he (somehow) found out later, he would never forgive me. Hate me, maybe. I just couldn't tell him, though…not until I was positive that I couldn't be saved. Not until I really had to—not until I found out I was one-hundred-percent guaranteed death at the hands of this weird disease. I didn't want Gan Ning to be devastated the same way I had been…

"He brought up my father," I lied. The pirate furrowed his eyebrows. "Pushed it too far," I added. "Y'know… It's still a fresh wound. I guess I'd just been bottling it up for a while…"

Gan Ning tucked his head into the crook of my neck, teeth nipping at my skin. My hands found fistfuls of the sheets. "Stupid old man… You shouldn't let him get to you like that."

"Don't bring it up," I said, making sure my tone was stern enough to catch his attention. "It was a one-time thing. Don't bring it up."

The pirate moved his head back around to give me a chaste kiss. "Whatever you say. But next time," he paused to cup my face in his hands, "I'm gonna kick his ass. Old man or not—_no one _makes you cry like that and gets away with it." He gave me another kiss.

I felt like I wanted to throw up—my guilt was overwhelming. I just lied to Gan Ning (not that he was aware of it)…and then he goes and says something like that. I mean, I only lied to protect him—right? Not that my guilt knew the difference: it was still gnawing away at me already.

I had to find a cure—with Lu Meng and Lu Xun's help or not, I had to find one. I didn't want to keep lying to Gan Ning like this; it just didn't feel right.

I didn't want to leave him.

* * *

**A/N: **Wahh, I'm sorry you guys… I wasn't sure where to end the chapter. (x_x) I feel terrible that this update is so much later than usual. Also, I want to apologize for all errors in here (because I'm pretty sure there are some). As always, I wanted to post this right away. And I'm kind of out of it lately… :$

But, I do want to give a special thanks to **Nan Ma**, **FelixTehCat**, **Vovo**, **Animelover6000**, **tsukiko3000**, **Usagi-san**, **Christain**, **Niouyuki**, **Jusrecht**, **Sasha427**, and **BlackCatBexxie**. I just absolutely love each and every review I get—it really means the world to me. It makes me so excited, and I depend a lot on your feedback~! ^-^

I'm sure I'm forgetting something…but I can't think of it right now ._.

So, thanks so much for reading! :)

Ciao!


	21. t r y

**Word Count: **2,395

* * *

t r y

* * *

It's a strange thing to wake up and know you're dying. You don't know how many more times you'll wake up, don't know if you'll just die in your sleep one night.

I was aware I was going to die, I just didn't know how. And that terrified me.

Gan Ning was fast asleep, like usual, one of his arms draped over my torso. I never usually slept on my back… But it was kind of nice, to wake up and not be alone. And it was depressing because I didn't know how many moments like this I had left. Lu Meng and Lu Xun didn't tell me how much time I still had. Part of me didn't want to know—ignorance was bliss, after all—but the other part… I had to figure out when I was going to start showing my illness so I could prepare to either tell Gan Ning or find a better way of hiding it from him.

He always looked so peaceful when he slept; even in the darkness of the room, I could still make out his defined features. So calm… I reached over to trace a finger along his jaw line. The skin there was soft, so unusually soft for a man like him—for a pirate. Gan Ning was strange. No—not strange…complex. More complex than I could ever comprehend. From outward appearances, he seemed simple enough: a former pirate with a rough edge. But he was so much more than that… He was a creep, a pervert, a man you could trust with your life—someone who would go above and beyond to help you. A lover. My lover. But for how much longer?

Something stung my eyes again. I withdrew my hand, laid it on my chest, watching it rise and fall with each breath I took. Breathing—something as simple as breathing—seemed so fascinating now, but in a painfully morbid sense. How many breaths did I have left? It was unsettling to think—to _know—_that someday this rising and falling would stop forever.

As carefully as I could, I rolled out from underneath Gan Ning's arm. He mumbled something in his sleep but didn't wake. I let out a sigh—grateful I hadn't disturbed him—before sliding off the bed and slipping over to the full-length mirror.

My face was a bit paler than usual, but that was the only abnormality I noticed. It was probably from all the crying…

_"You're not alone, Ling Tong. I'm right here."_

It was almost paradoxical, what he said last night… He said I wasn't alone, but I'd never felt so desperately isolated before in my entire life. Physically speaking, Gan Ning _was _'right there,' and so was everyone else. But emotionally speaking—mentally speaking—I was completely alone. No one else was going through this, the threat of dying from some mysterious disease. Lu Meng and Lu Xun knew, but they (thankfully) weren't experiencing it. I felt alone, yes, but I would never wish this on someone else just for the sake of understanding.

I ran a hand over my bare forearm, the warmth of the blood pumping beneath the skin resonating with the blood stirring in my fingertips. I was alive, just like everyone else. But I was also dead—a ticking time bomb. Someday, there wouldn't be any blood circulating in my body, my skin wouldn't have this warmth…

Swallowing hard, I lifted my hands to my face, tried to hide behind them. It was sickening—physically sickening—to think about that and know it wasn't so far off anymore.

Something grazed my shoulder. I jumped, instinctively trying to move away from whatever it was, but familiar arms locked around my chest and held me in place. Gan Ning's skin felt warmer than usual. His breath did, too, as it ghosted past my neck. I brought my hands up to his, squeezed them, tried not to think about my mortality.

"What're you doing up?" The pirate whispered, pressing a kiss into the crook of my neck. "Come back to bed."

I squeezed his hands harder, swallowed again. I knew he was watching me from the reflection in the mirror; even in the dark, I could make out his sharp brown eyes. "Nothing," I croaked. "Just…"

"Admiring yourself? Glad to know I'm not the only one who likes to do that." He offered a reserved smile. Something in my chest twinged. Gan Ning lifted a hand to cup my chin, gently tilting my head left and right. "You look pale." His expression sobered. "Get back in bed."

"Gan Ning, I'm not a child—"

"Yeah, you're not," he said. I let him lead me back over to the bed, complied when he pushed me onto it. "Pretty sure a kid might know enough to stay in bed when he's sick." He wandered over to the wardrobe and threw the doors open, rummaging around inside. I watched him with an unfocused gaze, the word '_sick_' ringing through my skull like a death chime.

Sick.

Sick.

Sick.

"Here, wear this." Some article of clothing was thrown at my face. It felt heavy, warm. Slightly miffed that Gan Ning had thrown it at my _face_, I yanked the article off my head to examine it.

"What?" I blinked, turning the long-sleeved shirt over in my hands. "This isn't mine."

"That's because it's _mine_." Gan Ning sat in front of me in the middle of the bed, nodded his head at the shirt. "Put it on."

I blinked again, wondering why he hadn't just given me one of my own shirts (as well as wondering when he thought it was okay to start moving his clothes into my room). Unfastening the few buttons there were near the collar, I noticed something that had only slightly registered before: the shirt smelled like Gan Ning—like he'd just taken it off. The scent was so strong… I slipped the article of clothing over my head and tugged it down, noting how the sleeve and torso length was too short for my body (and also noting how baggy it was in the chest and arms).

"There," Gan Ning said, breaking the silence that I hadn't even realized we'd fallen into. He reached forward to fasten the buttons, his lips suggesting a smile. "Looks good on you."

"A little short, though." I nodded at the sleeves.

He snorted, gave me a quick kiss on the lips. "That's just because you're an abnormally lanky bastard." The blond paused, his eyes looking over my features. Something caught in my throat. "You really scared the shit out of me, y'know…crying like that yesterday."

My pulse quickened. "Why do you keep bringing that up?" I asked, prodding my index finger into his bare chest. "Besides, I thought you said I was beautiful when I cried."

Gan Ning gave a soft laugh, pushing me back into the pillows. "Moron. There's a difference between regular crying and what I witnessed yesterday."

It felt like my heart had stopped. "And what was yesterday?"

"It was…" He pursed his lips, furrowed his brow. "A wake-up call."

"To who?"

"To me."

I swallowed, desperately trying to find some sort of answer written on his face. What the hell did he mean by that? Why wasn't he explaining? Didn't he realize how intimidating it was to have him stare down at me the way he was?

"Why?" I croaked.

The pirate laid down beside me, lacing his fingers between my own. "I dunno."

"Liar."

He shrugged. Every second he hesitated felt like an eternity to me. Did he somehow catch on? Did he somehow know about me and my illness? Impossible—but…

"I just don't want to see you like that again," Gan Ning said, tone serious but soft. I tilted my head, tried to read his expression. He looked thoughtful—far-off, almost—like he was struggling with something. My throat went dry. "Y'know, for the first time in a long time…I felt helpless. Fucking helpless." He paused again. I clung to every second of the silence. "I couldn't do anything for you and it pissed me off—it made me realize how useless I am."

I squeezed his hand. "Gan Ning—"

"Let me finish." The seriousness of the look he gave me sent chills up my spine. His brown eyes looked so…so…

Desolate—disappointed. Ashamed. They didn't look like Gan Ning's eyes; it made my heart twinge.

"I've said it before: you're mine. You're stuck with me. And so I want to protect you." He let go of my hand, resting it on his abdomen as he stared up at the ceiling. "But yesterday…I realized I can't do that—not the way I want to, anyway. Sure, I can take a hit for you on a battlefield and punch someone's lights out when they insult you, but…" Another pause, this one longer than the others. I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. "Whatever happened yesterday…I couldn't do anything. Nothing I said or did could get you to stop crying."

"I did stop, though," I reminded him, surprised by the submissiveness of my voice—like I was afraid to offend him. Maybe I was.

"Only because you wore yourself out." Gan Ning gave a bitter laugh. "I'm worthless. I just sat there like some kid, watching you… Whatever it was bothered you _that much_ and I couldn't do shit to help." He suddenly sat up, slid over to sit on the edge of the bed. "_Fuck_, I'm just as worthless as that little brat Lu Xun," he cursed, smacking the palm of his hand to his forehead. "Maybe even _he _could've gotten you to stop crying—you always look so happy when you're with him…"

I grabbed the nearest pillow and hurled it at the back of his head as hard as possible. He spun around to cast me a glare that was both confused and pissed, but his expression quickly changed once his eyes noticed my own.

I was scowling.

"What?" He said.

Grabbing at another pillow, I chucked it at his face this time. "You stupid bastard." Another pillow found its way into my hands, and I proceeded to smack Gan Ning with it repeatedly, ignoring his attempts to try and shield himself. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you? Do you even hear what you're saying?"

Gan Ning finally snagged the pillow and yanked it out of my grasp, causing both of us to fall onto the floor (or, really, _I_ fell on top of _him _and _he_ fell onto the floor).

"You really think _Lu Xun _makes me happy?" I asked, locking onto his gaze. "So everything we did—everything I've ever said to you—it doesn't mean anything, then?" I paused; he looked relatively surprised. "Who am I with right now, Gan Ning? Who did I sleep with? Who did I run to yesterday—who did I cry like a child in front of? _Who_?" Something stung my eyes—I didn't know why I suddenly felt like crying. Fuck.

"Ling Tong…"

"And then you go so far to say you're _worthless_?" I continued, trying to blink away the burning sensation underneath my eyelids. "Why would I pick someone who's _worthless_, Gan Ning? Tell me. Why would I spend my time with someone who's so damn _worthless_? Tell me why the hell I'm—I'm—"

_Tell me why the hell I'm so afraid to die and leave a 'worthless' pirate behind._

I swallowed hard and stood up, wandering over to a different part of the room. Just what the hell was he getting at with all this? How was he 'worthless?' How did he think Lu Xun made me happy—happier than _he_ did?

My head was pounding. Stupid bastard got me all worked up…not like I'd just recently gotten over a concussion or anything, either…

"Ling Tong."

"What?" I snapped. I jumped when I realized how close Gan Ning was; I hadn't even heard him move.

His brown eyes reminded me of those of a puppy's—a puppy that had just been kicked by its master. "I'm sorry."

My eyes burned again. I blinked. "What? What for?"

"Earlier. What I said." Gan Ning shrugged, his face unusually—uncharacteristically—sullen. "Everything."

"You're not worthless," I mumbled, finding it hard to meet his gaze. "You shouldn't even say that…"

"Sorry."

"And for the record…Lu Xun wouldn't have been able to stop my crying, either." I forced myself to meet his gaze and smiled—a genuine smile. Gan Ning didn't look as sad. "I spend time with you for a reason, you know." I smacked him in the chest as softly as I could. "Even if you are a sex-addicted pervert."

The pirate laughed, pulling me into an embrace. The warmth of his skin would always amaze me. "Thanks." He kissed my forehead.

"I'm sorry, too."

"How come?"

"For making you feel worthless…for worrying you so much," I said, trying to hide my face in his shoulder. I didn't want to be a burden on Gan Ning—especially not now, not this way…not any more than I was going to be. I didn't want Gan Ning to handle me with kid gloves, either. If he started to worry about me, realize something was wrong, he'd treat me differently. Right now, Gan Ning was the only taste of normalcy I was going to have for a while—he was the only thing to distract me from being deathly ill. If he started to treat me like Lu Meng and Lu Xun…it would feel too real—my inevitable death. I couldn't—wouldn't—have that happen.

I was selfish. Selfish in my desire to ignore the truth and selfish in my desire to shield Gan Ning from it.

"I'll try not to cause you too much trouble from now on," I managed to say without my voice cracking, squeezing myself against Gan Ning's broad chest.

He offered a light chuckle, running his hands up and down my back. "I'll try to control myself a little more…or something," he said. "Y'know, maybe get a little less jealous."

I laughed. "We're not hoping for miracles here, Xingba."

So long as I had Gan Ning—so long as I kept him in the dark about my condition—I could pretend everything was normal…I could almost convince myself it was. Maybe, if I lied to myself enough, I could believe it, too…

* * *

**A/N: **Well, poorly written chapter is very poorly written and very, very late. x_x

It's been over a month…and then I make you guys read this crap. I shouldn't even be allowed to write. I'm sorry you guys. ;~; I'd also like to apologize for the poor quality and any and all spelling errors, as I tried to finish this in sitting…probably not the best idea on my part, I know…

I want to try and update [better] on a more regular basis, but school and everything else…well… :/

However, I want to give a HUGE thank you to **tsukiko3000**, **Vovo**, **Christain**, **Animelover6000**, **Niouyuki**, **LadyKatatonic**, **FelixTehCat**, **Sasha427**, **BlackCatBexxie**, and **Reyne** for taking the time to drop a review and some kind words! You're all too nice, and I can never thank you enough for sticking with me for so long. I don't deserve you guys. x_x

I hope I didn't ruin your interest in the story with this [short and shitty] chapter…

Thank you for reading!


	22. c r a c k s

**Word Count: **3,056

* * *

c r a c k s

* * *

I didn't think about it.

I didn't want to think about it.

I _wasn't_ going to let myself think about it.

No matter how hard I tried, the thought kept biting at the back of my mind. Not even Gan Ning's warmth—which was usually so distracting—could keep my morbid thoughts at bay. So, once again, I woke up with the strangest, uneasiest feeling.

And just like last time, Gan Ning was fast asleep. I found myself facing him, locked in his arms (and wondering how we'd managed to fall asleep like this in the first place).

_"I'm sorry."_

Why did he have to apologize… I was the one who was lying to him, after all—keeping a terrible secret from him. But _he_ apologized to _me. _I didn't think I'd ever understand the way Gan Ning thought, no matter how many years might pass…though I wished the option was still available to me. I wished I had the time to try to figure him out, learn all his little quirks and traits…

Holding back an embittered sigh, I lifted a hand to trail the backs of my fingers along Gan Ning's jawline. He stirred in his sleep, eyelids suggesting he might wake up. I bridged the gap between us and kissed him tentatively, waiting to see if he was really awake or not. The pirate brought a hand up to cradle my face and lazily returned the kiss. We continued like that for a while, languidly kissing as though time didn't exist.

I really wished it didn't.

At some point Gan Ning stopped, releasing me from his arms and rolling onto his back. "Morning," he said with quirked lips.

I rolled my eyes, unable to fight the smile that twitched the corners of my mouth. "What, I'm not worth the effort to put a '_good_' in front of that?"

He swatted my thigh with his hand. "No. You're _too_ good to put a '_good_' in front of it."

"That doesn't even make any sense," I laughed.

"Doesn't have to." Gan Ning moved across the bed, positioning himself so he was straddling the lower part of my waist. "Y'know, I'd like to see you wearing my shirt…"

"I _am_ wearing your shirt," I reminded.

"_Only_ my shirt."

Blood rushed to my face—and somewhere else (as embarrassing as that was, considering how close Gan Ning was)… "We just woke up—"

"Which means it's still early," he murmured against my lips.

"Which means it's _too_ early."

"Which means no one will be up to disturb us…" The pirate repositioned himself to slide a knee up against my groin. A surprised whimper escaped my throat; Gan Ning took this opportunity to capture my lips.

The kiss was soft at first, but the follow-up was unusually (arousingly) rough. My hands found their way up to his hair, taking fistfuls as Gan Ning's own hands slid down to my hips, his fingers dipping beneath the band of my pants and just slightly tugging the fabric down. I whimpered again, knowing that would help speed him up.

It seemed a little strange to be doing this after the conversation last night…but it was a good sign if Gan Ning wanted sex, right? It meant he thought I was okay—at least, okay enough to screw around with. That was good.

The pirate brought his face up beside my ear. "Do you know how much you drive me crazy?" His whisper was far too husky to be fair. I caught my breath, waited for him to go on. "Do you know how hard it is to control myself when I'm around you? I wish you could see the faces you make," Gan Ning slid the back of a finger down the length of my cheek. "Your face gets so flushed when I touch you—when we make love."

"Xingba, stop it." I moved to push him back, but he caught my hands and nipped at my neck instead. I could feel the warmth of my face from his comment alone—and '_make love_'? Why did it send shivers down my spine when he said that?

"The way you moan and squirm underneath me," Gan Ning continued, his breath hot against my ear. "You don't even realize how seductive you can be…"

My entire body was burning. I wished he'd stop talking and _do_ something. "Xingba—" I gave a needy whimper.

"And when you call me that—_Xingba—_damn it… When you _moan _it the way you do—you have no idea how crazy it makes me." He kissed me with a hunger I'd never felt before, only breaking away to discard my clothing (which left me the way he'd wanted me in the first place: only wearing his shirt). The chill of the room didn't even register; my attention was fixed on the glint in Gan Ning's dark eyes. His look reminded me of a panther stalking its prey.

"You _really_ don't know how crazy you make me," the pirate ran a hand up my stomach, circling a finger around my navel.

I tilted my head and arched my back slightly, starting to grow impatient. "Then show me." I watched him through half-lidded eyes, arching into his touch.

"If you aren't a damn tease…" Gan Ning pushed me back into the mattress and slid off the bed. A strange feeling sparked across my chest: did I really piss him off?

"What're you—" I paused, watching him pull a familiar jar from the nightstand drawer. "We're…?"

"Sorry to disappoint you," he said. His hands worked to remove his own clothing, disregarding the items when they fell to the floor. "I don't even know how long it's been since we first had sex. And seeing you like that—" the pirate stopped, looking me over again "—I can't help myself."

Gan Ning returned to the bed moments later, void of clothing and bottle in hand. He moved to straddle my lower waist again; I made no sound or movement of protest, unable to stop myself from wondering how much longer we had to do things like this—to experience this kind of intimacy. Gan Ning was accustomed to this—used to it from his time with other lovers—but it was all new to me, still. The way my body burned as his lips trailed down my chest, how my heart contracted when he whispered my name, the lightness in my head when his hands moved too low…

"Xingba," I moaned. It was too easy—too easy for him to make me feel this way. He talked about how _I_ drove him crazy, but Gan Ning really had no idea. It wasn't fair, really, how quick I could melt in his touch—how much control he had over me.

* * *

Gan Ning and I had sex not once, not even twice that morning—but _three _times. By the end I was beyond tired, though he still wore his usual cocky grin.

"Not too shabby," the pirate said, reaching over to brush the hair off my forehead.

I tried to glare at him, though my eyelids kept fluttering shut from exhaustion. "Sadist…"

He gave a small laugh that sent sparks through my chest. "C'mon now…don't try to make me feel bad after how _good_ I just made you feel." I could tell he was smirking—I just _knew _it from the tone of his voice. I didn't need to open my eyes to confirm this, but I did anyway. I wanted to see Gan Ning's smirk for myself.

"You're shameless," I said, my own lips betraying me and curling at the corners.

"Get some rest, will ya?" He tossed a spare pillow onto my chest, grin softening into a smile. "You look completely spent."

I tried to swat the bastard with the pillow he'd just throw my way, but I missed—by quite a bit, judging by the laugh that followed.

"Completely spent, like I said." Gan Ning's lips grazed my cheek. My head felt uncomfortably heavy. "Anyway, go ahead and get some sleep."

"Don't tell me what to do…" I grumbled, lips still quirked upward. He was lucky I was possessed by some otherworldly fatigue, otherwise I could've kept up the argument. My eyes fluttered shut again as I felt something slip between my fingers. Gan Ning was always so warm…

* * *

I stumbled out of my deep sleep, trying (in vain) to sit up and only managing to flail forward like an infant. My arms waved out in front of me, trying to catch onto anything to help me sit up—the nightmare that had woken me up slowly fading from my memory. Why was it so hard to sit upright? And my eyelids felt like bricks…

When I finally did manage to open my eyes, I thought I'd gone blind. The room was dark. Night? But Gan Ning and I—

My hands slowly moved across the space in bed beside me, trying to find any trace of the pirate. But it was clear from the chill on the sheets that he'd left some time ago. Something in my chest felt heavy at the thought.

_I'd managed to sleep an entire day again? _The thought was strange. Sure, I was tired as all get-out after I'd slept with Gan Ning _three _times in a row, but I didn't think I was tired enough to sleep through a full day. Why didn't someone come in and wake me up, anyway? Did the pirate tell them I was sick?

Oh gods.

I was already out of bed (and doing my best to ignore the crippling pain coming from my lower-half) before I could even finish the thought. If Gan Ning told Lu Meng or Lu Xun I was sick—or even if I wasn't feeling well—would they tell him the truth? Would they tell him I was dying? But if they had, wouldn't he have barged in to confront me?

My mind was racing as I scrambled around the room looking for clothes; my fingers shook uncontrollably as I tried to dress myself. I didn't want Gan Ning to learn the truth—not like this… I didn't want him to hate me for this.

Staggering out of the room, I wracked my brain for the direction of Lu Xun's room. I couldn't remember where it was—couldn't for the _life _of me remember where his damn room was. Left? Right? Three floors up or two down? Or was it on the same level?

"Shit." I cursed under my breath. Something stung my eyes. I felt overwhelmed and stupid. Worthless. Where the hell was Lu Xun's room?

The ache from my lower-half was enough to make me nearly double-over as I started off down the corridor (which, lucky for me, was completely empty). If Gan Ning knew—if he found out this way—I would never forgive myself.

Would he hate me for not telling him? But he'd have every right to. He'd have every single damn right to be angry. How could I keep this from him—I was _dying—_what kind of person lies like this…

The torches mounted on the walls looked fuzzy as I paused to catch my breath. I was winded already? How long had I been moving like this? I forced myself to stand upright (wincing with the pain it brought) and continued to stumble down the corridor. Things kept blurring in and out, merging with each other and doubling—the carpet, doors, torches and tapestries. It felt like my head was spinning out of control. Nausea gripped my stomach as I staggered around a corner, running face-first into something—or someone.

"The hell—?"

"Ah…" I mumbled some incoherent apology, rubbing my temples. "I'm—"

"Ling Tong?"

The voice sounded familiar. I blinked, trying to refocus my vision long enough to recognize the face in front of me. My stomach sank.

"G—Gan Ning?" My heart was lodged in my throat. I couldn't see his expression due to the shadow he was in. Did he know? Gods, if he knew the truth—

"What the hell are you doing wandering around at this hour? And you look like shit." His voice wavered—or was that just my hearing? "What happened?"

"Lu Xun—" I stammered, brushing the hair away from my face. When did it get so warm? My body felt hot—hot and heavy and useless. "What did you tell Lu Xun? What did he tell you?"

"What're you talking about?" Gan Ning's hands grabbed my shoulders and steadied me just as the room spun. "Hey—_hey_! Ling Tong, what's going on? What's wrong?" He sounded so far away…

"Don't hate me," I heard myself pleading. "If you hate me—"

"Why the hell would I hate you? Ling Tong—what the _hell _is going on?" Gan Ning shook me by my shoulders. My knees felt strange. My entire body felt strange, like it wasn't even mine—just heavy and worthless. Gan Ning's face blurred like there was two of him.

Something painful contracted in my chest. My muscles burned like someone had just set hot coals on them. It was like I'd lost control of my body, my actions. I said something else to Gan Ning—an apology, maybe—I didn't know. Everything seemed to ache at once…

And then it all went black.

* * *

My head felt like it had been slammed against a brick wall, and this eerie feeling of déjà vu overcame me. It hurt so much I couldn't even open my eyes right away…and I couldn't remember a damn thing as to why I had this pain to begin with. I only knew I was propped up against something soft, and that something warm was holding my hand, squeezing it ever so gently… I squeezed it back, my throat too dry to say anything coherent.

"Ling Tong?"

It was Gan Ning. Even though I couldn't open my eyes, I felt tears forming behind my eyelids. I squeezed his hand tighter.

"You're finally awake—holy shit, you're finally awake…" The tone of his voice killed me. It was different from the last time this happened—when I was in the infirmary. This tone was more…afraid. Afraid and relieved and it bothered me that it was coming from Gan Ning—that it was coming from him because of _me_. I'd managed to cause him grief. Again.

I felt him press his face into the top of my hair, cradling the back of my skull with his free hand. Something hot and wet slithered down my face as something hot and wet dripped onto my scalp. I squeezed the pirate's hand like my life depended on it.

I made Gan Ning cry.

Gan Ning of the Bells, one of the greatest warriors of our time, able to kill hundreds of men in a single battle and scare off thousands more. Gan Ning, who swore and made crude comments like a brute. Gan Ning, who would give the shirt off his back for a friend in need. Gan Ning, who had saved my worthless life several times already.

And I made him cry.

"You stupid bastard." His voice was rough, soft. Too vulnerable to really be Gan Ning's. "We thought you were—your pulse was so low…" I could feel his hands tremble, knew the rest of his body was trembling, too. More tears streaked down my face. "I thought you were dead." Gan Ning's voice cracked; something inside me cracking along with it. "I thought you were really dead."

I slipped my hand out of his, slowly lifting my arms up to where I thought his torso to be and pulled him into an embrace.

"I'm sorry," I croaked. My throat burned from being so dry.

Gan Ning gave the weakest chuckle I'd ever heard. "Like that makes up for everything…"

Fighting to ignore the ungodly pain in my head, I forced my eyes to open as Gan Ning drew back, his hands gripping my upper-arms. His eyes were red, dark circles hanging underneath, his face lacking its usual tan color… A few stray tears worked their way down his cheeks.

"Don't—" I began, my own voice cracking pitifully. "Don't cry—because of me." I lifted my hands up to his face, brushing away the trails the tears left behind and noting how much my fingers quivered.

Gan Ning offered a brief smile. "I'm not crying—just got something in my eyes." He took my hands in his own and squeezed them, pressed his lips against my forehead. The gesture made my heart flutter.

Beating. My heart was still beating. Gan Ning said I'd almost—died… But I was alive. My heart was still going. I was alive and Gan Ning was right here, right in front of me. That's all I needed. And yet…

"Just sit tight for a minute, alright?" He squeezed my hands again. "I gotta go tell the old man and the brat you're awake." My heart lodged itself in my throat again. Oh, no…

I forced a nod, feeling his reluctance to leave me alone as he let go of my hands. A sharp pain gripped my chest. What would it feel like—our final goodbye? When my heart would really stop beating for good…when I wouldn't see Gan Ning cry or laugh or smile ever again? How terrible will it feel? Right now—just the thought of it—it makes it difficult to breathe.

I took a deep breath; Gan Ning paused in the doorway. I only realized then I was in my own room.

"You okay?" His expression was so uncharacteristically serious…

"Fine." I nodded. "Just—" I took another deep breath. Was I having a panic attack?

Gan Ning was back beside me in a matter of seconds. "Hey, hey…calm down. I'm right here, see?" He took my hand, brought it up to his lips and kissed it. I felt like a child. "I'm not going anywhere. The old man can wait."

I swallowed thickly and nodded again. Did Gan Ning already know? Did Lu Meng already tell him the truth? Is that why he hasn't asked about anything yet? But he's not angry… Maybe the 'old man' could wait, but I sure couldn't—not anymore. I had to know.

"Gan Ning…" I started. "Did Lu Meng…say anything to you about me?"

* * *

**A/N: **Laziest. Ending. Ever.

First of all, I want to endlessly apologize for the crappiness of this chapter. I _really_ just wanted to get something up after all this time so you guys wouldn't forget about me and this story! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, and that when I do, it's super below quality. :( I've just had a lot of school stress and personal problems lately...I hope you guys can forgive me someday. (Also, I apologize for any grammar/spelling errors, as I wrote 90% of this in one sitting.) x_x

Now I need to thank my loyal reviewers, whom I don't deserve at all: **Vovo**, **Elfie**, **YakyuBaka**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **LadyKatatonic**, **Animelover6000**, **Niouyuki**, **Nan Ma**, **tsukiko3000**, **Christain**, **Nat**, and my anon reviewer(s). Thank you for being understanding. And as to whether Ling Tong makes it through his illness…well, we'll just have to see, won't we? ;) But, honestly, thank you all for sticking with me for so long. I hope my next update is quicker and of better quality. I only keep this story going for you guys.

**PS: **I owe you guys a real smut scene. I was starting to write one here...but I figured it'd take me 3 times as long to finish this if I kept it. x_x I'm sorry!

Thank you for reading!


	23. l e n g t h s

**Word Count: **2,853

* * *

l e n g t h s

* * *

Gan Ning stared back at me, expressionless. "What do you mean?"

His tone made my pulse quicken. It was difficult to look up at him—hold his gaze. I glanced at my lap, my trembling hand. "Did… Did Lu Meng tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Another indifferent tone; he was waiting to see what I said, keeping whatever information he might (or might not) have to himself. I swallowed thickly.

_Oh, gods…_This was _not_ how I wanted it to go—how I wanted him to find out…

"You were mumbling some crazy things before, too," Gan Ning said. I waited for him to continue as he resumed his seat beside the bed, not once letting go of my hand. "Do you remember any of that?"

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the relentless pounding in my skull (not that it worked). When…had I last spoken to Gan Ning? Wasn't it here—in my room?—after we'd slept together… Anything after that was hazy or non-existent. Why the hell couldn't I remember? What happened?

"Not a thing," I finally replied, keeping my eyes shut. I couldn't look at him—not right now… "I don't remember a thing after you left this morning."

"This morning?" The hint of surprise in Gan Ning's voice piqued my curiosity. Cautiously, I glanced over in his direction: his expression was a cross between incredulous and worried sick. My stomach churned—_I _was doing this to him.

"Ling Tong," his tone softened, "you've been in here for two days."

I blinked.

"What?"

Gan Ning squeezed my hand, drew a long breath. His eyes looked so bloodshot… "You've been out cold for the past two days. Your body temperature dropped, your pulse dropped…" His voice began to waver here. Something stung my eyes. "Why else would I think you almost died? Not moving for so long—your breath was so shallow, I thought—I was convinced you were—" Gan Ning stopped completely, his grip on my hand tightening as he lowered his head. It was hard for me to swallow. "And you don't remember it? Nothing at all?"

I shook my head, not that he could see the motion. "Not a thing," I said again. "Black. After that morning…my memory's completely black."

He made a sound like he was trying to clear his throat. "So you don't remember what you said, then…"

I could feel my face blanch. Was _I _the one who blabbed the truth to Gan Ning unknowingly? That would explain his reaction when I asked him what Lu Meng said—because Lu Meng didn't tell him—_I _did…

"What…exactly, did I say?" My voice didn't sound like my own: it was hoarse and weak. It made me cringe.

"You kept asking what Lu Xun told me or what I told him—some nonsense like that," Gan Ning replied. He ran his thumb across the back of my hand, the motion slow and soothing. "And you thought I hated you, for whatever reason… You were begging me to _not_ hate you—and then you kept apologizing on and on until you passed out." Some sixth sense told me he was looking at me right then, staring at the side of my face. I swallowed hard, tried to keep my gaze on my lap. "I had no idea what you were talking about—and I still don't."

Oh, no.

"What were you so worried about Lu Xun telling me? Or even the old man, for that matter?" Gan Ning's tone was still soft and reserved. It probably scared me more than it would have if he'd been angry. "Ling Tong."

My entire body stiffened. Slowly, I turned my head to meet his gaze, and when I did, I wished I hadn't. The expression on Gan Ning's face was something akin to that of a kicked puppy's—but a thousand times more heart-wrenching because _I'd _made him like this. _I _was the one who had kicked him. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was upset Gan Ning like this, yet here we were…

"What are you hiding from me, Ling Tong?" The question was simple and simply said. No acid, no resentment, no grudge. Just that underlying hurt tone that drove knives through my chest. His eyes looked tired—too tired. Where had that fire gone? Had I managed to rob him of that, too?

The burning sensation around my eyes got the better of me as something warm streaked down my face. "Gan Ning—" It was just like before, when Lu Meng and Lu Xun had first told me I was dying. As the tears spilled over and my breathing turned quick and ragged, I remembered what I'd told myself that day: I wouldn't tell Gan Ning the truth.

Could I hide it any longer, though? Lying to him didn't seem right—it _wasn't_ right. And now that he'd asked—now that I'd been so careless and he knew too much… I couldn't keep running from this. And yet my breathing never steadied, my tears didn't cease. It was deja vu once again. I pressed a hand firm against my mouth, desperate to stop my involuntary gasping. It was so hard to breathe again, so hard to see…

"Hey—hey there," Gan Ning was on his feet and hovering beside me within seconds. I could barely make out his expression through my hopeless crying. He lifted a hand to cradle my face, the other trying to pry my hand away from my mouth. "You'll suffocate yourself this way," he coaxed, voice soft and wavering. Or was it my hearing again?

I swallowed, blinking rapidly to try and clear my vision. But it was no use—again. I started to yawn uncontrollably, my body deprived of oxygen.

_"I just don't want to see you like that again_…_it made me realize how useless I am."_

Gan Ning's words echoed in my mind as he wrapped me in a tight embrace. I clung to him like a child—needy and helpless. I was doing it to him again—making him doubt himself, burdening him, worrying him…

_"I want to protect you."_

I wanted to protect Gan Ning, too—from the truth about this—from the whole situation. I didn't want him to know I was sick…but lying to him like this—keeping him at arm's length…

"Gan Ning—" I finally managed to say.

He drew me closer to his chest. "Yeah?"

I swallowed several times, trying to work up the strength to say the words lodged in the back of my throat. Hot tears continued to spill over as I took a deep breath.

"I—I'm sick."

A strange tension formed in Gan Ning's body as he released me from the embrace. I knew he was studying my features, trying to read my tear-streaked face for clarification.

"That's all?" His voice wavered unsteadily as he offered a forced laugh. Gods, Gan Ning's reaction was painfully similar to my own… "So, you just need some time to rest and you'll be okay, right?"

I said nothing.

"…Right, Ling Tong?"

As carefully as I could, I withdrew my trembling hands from his torso and hid my face in them. "I-I'm so sorry, Gan Ning…"

"What are you… What're you talking about?" His voice shook as much as my body did—maybe more. I swallowed thickly. "It's not—you're not—?"

I shook my head, leaning forward enough to hide my face behind my knees. I couldn't look at his face—I couldn't see the expression on it now. My heart might just stop altogether. How could I put Gan Ning through all of this? What kind of person was I?

A nervous, forced laugh stirred me from my thoughts. "This is a terrible fucking joke, Ling Tong. If you're messing with me—" Gan Ning's voice stopped abruptly. I wanted to look—my neck quirked in a natural response—but I still couldn't bear to look at his face. Even though I was the one putting him through this, I just couldn't stand it.

"So," he spoke, stopped. Probably swallowed. Probably trying to force down his emotions the same way I was—the same way I had when I first found out. "So…so you're telling me—" another pause "—that you're—"

"Dying."

I blinked. That…that was _my_ own voice. I said it. I finally said it—as bluntly, heartlessly, and thoughtlessly as I possibly could have. I said it and admitted it.

And now it was true.

I really _was_ dying.

Gan Ning must have been caught off-guard, too, as he remained silent. My eyes opened, stared blankly at the backs of my knees, vision blurred due to proximity and tears. The silence in the room was too loud. I stared at the backs of my knees—stared and stared and wished none of this had ever happened.

Footsteps started to move across the floor, pace brisk and determined. I lifted my head to see what was going on—to see Gan Ning bee-lining it to the door, fists clenched.

"Gan—" his entire name wasn't even out of my mouth when he cut me off.

"I don't believe it," he shot back over his shoulder. "Not until someone proves it—not until the old man says it's true." He threw open the door and was out of the room before I could even think of a coherent response.

The stillness of being alone quickly pressed upon me.

Gan Ning knew.

Whether he chose to believe it or not…he still knew. I'd broken my promise—I told him. Told him in the worst way possible. I never wanted it to be like this—never would have imagined…

I ran a hand down my throat, trying to relax the muscles that had tensed. It was starting to become difficult to breathe again…

The door suddenly flew open, Gan Ning storming in with Lord Lu Meng in tow. He pulled the elder strategist right over to my bed and stopped, pointed at me.

"Tell me he's lying." It was a demand—a demand made with a wavering voice. Gan Ning stared at Lu Meng as though challenging him.

"Lying about—?"

"_Tell me he's not dying!_"

Lu Meng and I both jumped, startled by the intensity of Gan Ning's voice. The hand that was still pointing at me began to tremble wildly, his face paled and nose reddened—the way someone usually looked before they started to cry.

"Gan Ning…" I wanted him to stop. I couldn't see him cry again—not because of me—not because of this. "Gan Ning, please…"

"He's lying, isn't he?" The pirate ignored me, scowl still fixed on Lu Meng. "Just tell me. Tell me he's fine and you can leave."

Lu Meng gave a long sigh. "Listen, Gan Ning…" He placed a hand on the pirate's shoulder. It was only then Gan Ning's expression faltered—and completely broke. It was like someone had just punched him in the gut. "Ling Tong is sick."

Gan Ning took a step back, lowered his hand. My eyes stung again. Gods, anything but this…

"We're already looking for a cure," Lu Meng went on.

"So you don't _have_ one yet?"

"We're still researching it—"

Gan Ning snapped. "You don't even _know what it is_?" He looked over at me, locking his chilling, desperate gaze on mine. Oh, gods…what did I do to him? How did this happen? "So you weren't—you're really—" He stopped, swallowed visibly. Gan Ning kept his eyes locked on my own. The look he wore—the sudden hopelessness and shock on his paled face… I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to stop and take this all away from him—all this unnecessary pain and suffering—because _I_ was the one who had done this to him. It was all because of me.

And I would never forgive myself for it.

I could only stare back at him, endless apologies lodged in my dry throat. My eyes burned and my hands trembled and my chest ached. It hurt. It hurt because I never wanted this to happen—I never wanted to see Gan Ning like this because of _me_.

"Excuse me, Gan Ning," Lu Meng said. He spoke in that tone of voice he always used when he understood, when all the kind words in the world didn't matter in comparison as to how they were said. It was the same tone of voice that I always found impossible to explain, but it never failed to hit home with me. Lu Meng placed a hand on Gan Ning's shoulder again, squeezed it. "I need to check on Ling Tong's condition."

Gan Ning lowered his head and nodded. Without a word, he stepped out of Lu Meng's way and motioned to leave. My mouth opened to protest—to tell him to stop where he was and turn around—but no words came out. I didn't want him to leave, not at a time like this. Not after everything that had happened…

"Where are you going, Gan Ning?" Lu Meng voiced the question on the tip of my tongue. "There's no need for you to leave."

The pirate stopped. I caught my breath. "I just want to be alone for a while."

"Gan Ning!"

Both he and Lu Meng looked at me. I was hardly even aware of how helpless my own voice sounded. My attention was focused on Gan Ning. "Don't go."

He gave me a half-hearted smile that worried me more than it relieved me. "I'll be right back," he said. "I just need some time to think."

I was about to protest again when I felt a hand on my arm. Lu Meng just shook his head, giving Gan Ning the time to fully exit the room. I wasn't sure why the sound of the door closing seemed so final.

"Leave him be for now, Ling Tong," Lu Meng told me, lifting my wrist to take my pulse. "You wanted to be alone, too, after you first found out."

"Yeah, but I wasn't _really_ alone," I said, slightly irritated by how calm he was about this.

"Gan Ning is different. You and he cope with things in differently." Lu Meng moved over to a tray covered in medical tools and other odd things; I wondered how long it had been sitting there.

"Still, it doesn't feel right…" I drew a long breath and rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of the dryness all my frivolous crying had left me with. Was it really okay to leave Gan Ning alone? He wouldn't do anything reckless, would he? And Lu Meng was still so damn calm… Sometimes I envied his ability to keep cool, other times—like now—it pissed me off like no other. Gan Ning and I were different, yes, but no one should be left alone after learning something like that.

"To be honest," Lu Meng's voice brought me out of the fog of my own thoughts, "I'm surprised you told him so soon."

I drew another long breath and fought back a yawn, suddenly feeling exhausted. "What do you mean?"

The elder strategist continued about his work as he replied. "I figured you wouldn't tell anyone, especially Gan Ning."

"What…exactly do you mean by that?" I asked, my pulse quickening with every second. Did Lu Meng somehow know? Were we careless? Or did Gan Ning tell him?

"Simply judging by the way you are, I thought you would want to keep it a secret so as not to trouble anyone else—not that anyone would find it trouble," Lu Meng said as he wrapped a bandage tightly around my upper-arm. "And considering how…attached Gan Ning is to you, I thought you would want to shield him from this for as long as possible. I'm surprised he reacted so well."

I blinked. _Attached_? Just how much did Lu Meng know…?

"What was I supposed to do? Lie to him?" I asked. "As much as I didn't want him to know, I couldn't lie to his face like that…" Not that I had any difficulty doing it to him the first time…

Lu Meng's lips quirked into a very subtle smile as he pricked my arm with a needle. "Perhaps it's a good thing Gan Ning knows."

"Why do you say that?" I lowered my gaze to the needle, watching my blood fill the syringe.

"Gan Ning's determination knows no bounds. He won't rest until he finds you a cure." My face flushed as Lu Meng withdrew the needle from my arm, continuing his work with a calm tone and expression. "You might be surprised by the lengths to which he'd be willing to go for you."

I looked up at Lu Meng, cheeks flushed and mouth slightly agape from his comment. "Why are you saying all of this?"

Lu Meng smiled. "You're a very intelligent man, Ling Tong, but when it comes to anything outside of war and strategy, you're still rather clueless."

* * *

**A/N:** Ahah…so…I'm not sure how that chapter went, really… I hope it wasn't too bad. :/

Anyway,

**HAPPY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY EVERYONE!**

I can't believe it's been a year (today) since I first posted this story…time really flies! :o Thank you for sticking with me for so long~ I hope I can continue to meet your expectations and give you the story you want. :) Hopefully I'll actually be able to finish this sometime this year!

I need to thank the following people from the bottom of my heart: **LadyKatatonic**, **Animelover6000**, **Vovo**, **YakyuBaka**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **tsukiko3000**, and **S-chama**. I can't tell you how much your feedback means to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I never would have kept this story going. I really mean that. Thank you all. :)

Thank you for reading! Reviews and feedback are always appreciated.

Until next time!


	24. d e a t h

**Word Count: **2,882

* * *

d e a t h

* * *

My eyes were fixed on Lu Meng, my mouth unable to formulate words.

I was speechless.

He offered me one of his usual smiles. My thoughts were still racing—this could go in any number of directions.

"Clueless," I finally managed to say, the words falling clumsily from my mouth. It was meant to be a question but came out as a statement instead, as did the following words, "To what."

The strategist kept his lips quirked upward and placed the back of his hand on my forehead. His skin felt unusually cold—or was I just unusually warm? Regardless, I kept my eyes on his face, waiting for him to grace me with a reply. He didn't offer so much as a hum in response until he'd removed his hand and began scribbling something down on a clipboard.

"You have a very keen eye for strategy," Lu Meng said. "Not like Lu Xun, but you've got an eye for it, nonetheless."

I said nothing.

"You also have a knack for picking up skills quickly—combat, survival—a wide variety, so long as you can relate it to war."

"So you're saying I'm a mindless war-drone, unable to do anything unless it has to do with killing or being killed?" My tone came off far more bitter than I had intended it to.

Lu Meng shook his head, his smile finally relaxing. "No, of course not. You're sensible, honorable, and—unlike many others—you don't wish to continue this needless violence we're currently trapped in." He sat down in the same chair Gan Ning had used earlier. Something hollow echoed in my chest. "You're a good man, Ling Tong." Now Lu Meng's expression turned sour—reminiscent of when he'd first told me I was ill. It was a combination of thoughtful and devastated, his lips drawn in a tight line. He drew a long breath, recomposed himself. "You're a good man," he said again, "but I'm afraid you're terribly blind when it comes to love."

I blinked. My pulse quickened. "I'm afraid I don't follow," I lied. I was pretty damn sure I knew where this was going—I just wanted to buy myself some time before it actually got there.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took another long breath. "I don't believe I'm the one who should tell you…"

"Is it about Gan Ning?" The question was out of my mouth before I could even retract the thought.

Lu Meng gave a thoughtful sigh. "I told you, I don't believe I'm the one who should be addressing this."

"Then why did you bring it up in the first place?"

The strategist propped his elbow up on the arm of the chair, cupping his chin in his hand. I noticed his lips were still drawn tightly, as though he was seriously contemplating his words. "We live in difficult times, Ling Tong. I know you're aware of that." He paused. "We don't have time to lose when it comes to relationships—be they ones of friendship or romance. War, famine, illness…these things—" Lu Meng suddenly stopped short and sat upright. The downward quick of his lips sent a wave of anxiousness through me. "I don't have to explain this to you. You're more familiar with this than most of us. All I'm saying is, you shouldn't overlook any opportunities that present themselves to you, Ling Tong. Especially now."

_Because I'm sick._

The underlying theme of Lu Meng's words hit me like a tidal wave.

Familiar with 'this'?

_Because I've lost my father._

I knew all too well what Lu Meng was getting at. It was clear as day—and that only helped to give it a greater sting. It wasn't fair. I'd lost my father so suddenly, and once I finally had something good back in my life, I found out it was ending. I didn't understand—couldn't understand where the justice was in all of this—because there _wasn't_ any.

And Lu Meng had just reminded me.

"I don't get it," I said, lowering my gaze to my lap. "I don't get why shit like this happens—to me—to anyone. I get it: people die. I just don't…" I swallowed, tried to keep my voice from wavering. "I just don't understand the _timing_. Now…of all times… It's not fair, Lu Meng." The words blurted from my mouth, my eyes welling up with tears of frustration and anger. "It's not _fair._"

Lu Meng ran a hand down his face and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Gongji…" His voice sounded muffled. "I'm truly sorry, Gongji."

"Why? I don't understand _why—_and that's what pisses me off the most." I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried not to think about crying. I'd had enough of that for one day… "Why me, why now, why _this—_this kind of strange disease that no one's ever seen before. Why Gan Ning—why you and Lu Xun and _why_, damn it! Why not someone else—some thief or murderer or _anyone_? What did I do? What the hell did I do to deserve this?"

Once all these selfish things started to come out, I couldn't seem to stop them. It was like trying to stop a rushing river once the floodgates were already broken. I was confused and angry on such unusually high levels, I couldn't think straight. Lu Meng continued to hold his hand up to his face, shielding his eyes from me.

I tried to take a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. My hands had started trembling at some point. More than anything, I just wanted to see Gan Ning. But he wasn't around.

_"I'll be right back. I just need some time to think."_

I'd managed to ruin things with him, too. Now he knew I'd been lying to him and keeping a secret—and a large one at that. Did he think I was keeping other things from him, too? Did he trust me anymore? Would he even want to see me when he got back? The thought made my chest contract painfully.

"I'm sorry, Lord Lu Meng," I said. "I never intended to get you wrapped up in something like this… I know you have plenty of other things on your mind. You don't need to carry this frivolous burden, too."

"Gongji." The sharpness and seriousness of his voice made me jump. I met his gaze, and when I did, I noticed his eyes were red. "Don't _ever_ say that again. '_Frivolous burden_'? Your illness—your dying—you believe it to be _frivolous_?"

"To you." I managed to reply, not that my tone was very strong.

Now Lu Meng looked furious. "To _me_? Ling Tong—" he was serious now "—don't you _dare_ say such a terrible thing. Is this what you think will help? Pushing everyone away from you? Is that what you want?"

I blinked. Was…that what I was doing? No—of course not…

"You had no choice in 'getting me involved,' as you put it. I was the one who took the initiative to run blood samples. I was the one who discovered this dark truth. If anything, _I _involved _you_ in this without having enough information." He gave me a hard stare and rose from his seat. Lu Meng never looked so tall. "You're a thoughtful man, Ling Tong, but when you say things such as that, people take offense. You end up with the opposite intended result." He moved over toward the bedside table and began gathering his things. I watched him in heavy silence. "Try to get some rest," he said before turning to leave.

"Lu Meng—" I started, finding my voice. "Please don't tell anyone else about this. I don't want any more people involved in this mess…I don't want to worry anyone else."

"Not even our lord?"

"Especially not him." I couldn't imagine putting Lord Sun Quan through that… It wasn't enough that he'd lost his older brother and father—and had an entire country to run. I couldn't add even a single pebble more to his stack. I wouldn't allow it.

Lu Meng gave a tired sigh. "I suppose I can oblige to that much…"

"Thank you."

* * *

It was impossible to sleep after Lu Meng left, what with everything that had happened.

_"You're terribly blind when it comes to love."_

Blind, he said? I mean, for a while now, I waskind of thinking I might '_love_' Gan Ning…but was I sure? How was anyone ever really sure? I'd never been '_in love_' before, so I had no previous experience to go off of.

The other question was: was Gan Ning in love with me? His actions and words made it a plausible idea. He was possessive, defensive—and his attitude toward me had done a complete one-eighty. He was gentle and kinder now… But did this still apply now that he knew? Now that Gan Ning was aware I'd lied to him—that I was dying?

I swallowed thickly, staring up at the ceiling. It was pitch black and eerily quiet.

Gan Ning still hadn't returned.

_"I'll be right back."_

That was hours ago now. Exactly how many, I wasn't sure—I felt reluctant to keep track. Where could he have possibly gone? Would he ever come back? The thought alone made my lungs feel small and tight.

Trying to distract myself, I thought about my illness—and how many people knew about it. So far, it was just me, Lu Meng, Lu Xun…and Gan Ning. He never should have found out, at least not until we were _certain_ it was fatal. Lu Meng had agreed to keep this from Lord Sun Quan. No one else was going to find out about this. Not if I had anything to do with it. I wasn't about to bring anyone else down into this miserable pit if suffering, waiting, not knowing…

I took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pressure weighing on my chest. My eyes stayed fixed up at the ceiling. It was still pitch black. Still eerily quiet. The bed felt too big and too cold.

_"I don't believe it."_

_ "Tell me he's lying. _Tell me he's not dying_!"_

Why did my thoughts always wander back to Gan Ning? My eyelids blinked rapidly at the memory from earlier in the evening. Hours ago. The way he'd said it… The expression he had on his face…both were seared into my mind.

This terrible, lonely feeling swallowed me as I stared up at the ceiling, trying to look past the depth of its shadows. Just out of the blue, I felt so terribly, painfully alone—like someone had me locked away somewhere cold. My entire body trembled with a sudden chill. Was this how I was going to feel from now on? Was this how it felt when you died? Forsaken, miserable, depressed, hopeless, and lonely—so terribly lonely that you'd do anything to feel the warmth of another human—any human? When you're buried in the ground, do you experience these thoughts? It was miserable. Absolutely miserable.

Nobody was going to be with me after I died. I had no idea if there was any damn "afterlife" or the sort—and now that it was getting closer, I seriously doubted the idea. I would be dead, alone in the ground and rotting. Everyone else would continue on with their lives, and I would be lying six feet under, stagnant. That was it.

And the thought terrified me.

I felt pathetic. The epitome of pathetic as warm, fat tears streaked down my face. My chest constricted painfully and my limbs felt cold and heavy—like I'd already died. Death was common in an army—during war—and we'd had so many talks about it I'd lost count. How many men had I killed? Forced into the ground early? Too many. And I would be joining them.

And I was afraid.

I didn't want to die—not yet—especially not now. I finally had something that made me happy—that made my life _good_ again…and now I was going to leave it behind. Leave it all behind with everything I'd ever worked for. It was pointless…everything had been pointless if I was leaving it like this…

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers, fists, arms, sleeves—it was such a frivolous effort; I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't remember ever feeling this pathetic and downright _worthless_… The period after my father's death came to mind, but this was a slightly different kind of miserable: it was _my_ life that was going to end, and I was going to have to watch for it, wait for it.

More than anything, I just wanted to see Gan Ning. I wanted to feel his warmth and hear his voice and stop feeling this suffocating _loneliness_. I wanted to listen to him laugh, see him smile, hear the sound of his bells… But I'd managed to alienate myself from him. He wasn't around, and I had no idea when he'd come back.

_Maybe if I fall asleep, he'll be here when I wake up_…

It seemed like a pointless thought, but it brought this desperate sense of hope in me that I couldn't deny it. I wanted to believe _anything_, so long as it meant Gan Ning would be back. I wanted to roll over and see him lying in bed next to me, see the way the sun washed over his tanned skin.

I just wanted him to come back.

* * *

It was pathetic, really, how eager I was to wake up. Eager and nervous and pathetic. Which made it all the more painful when I realized I was in bed alone.

Gan Ning was still gone.

I swallowed thickly, my fingers tracing the spot where he would have been. The sickly, lonely, worthless feeling from last night still lingered in my bones and started seeping into the rest of my body, amplifying the ache in my chest.

He'd probably never come back—and why would he? Why _should_ he? I'd lied to him and always treated him poorly. Gan Ning deserved better than me—so much better… I never would have been enough for him, never could have given him what he wanted, what he deserved…

Slowly, I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the small balcony attached to my room. It was fairly late in the morning, yet no one had come to check up on me yet. My chest felt heavy and hollow—like an empty cavity, aching.

The sunrise would have been beautiful to someone who had the leisure of enjoying such things, maybe alone or with a lover or friend. I saw no such beauty, only a bitter reminder of my own fragility. Wu was moving along with the rest of the world while I stood there, stagnant in my depressed, hopeless state.

I stood there and stared at my palm for a long time. Or maybe it wasn't that long at all—it just felt that way. I looked at the wrinkles, the veins that ran down my wrist to my arm. I don't know how long I stood there doing that, just staring at my hand, letting my thoughts run wherever they wanted.

And they reached a certain conclusion.

I glanced up at the roof above me, taking note of the large support beam that hung there. A stool was situated to the corner on the left.

Almost running on auto-pilot at that point, I wandered back into my room and shuffled around an old trunk I kept. I found what I was looking for without much effort. On my way back to the balcony, I stopped in front of my desk. There were a few miscellaneous scrolls and a single bottle of ink laying on it haphazardly. My fingers trembled ever so slightly as I took out a blank scroll and began to write:

_Xingba,  
I'm sorry._

I didn't sign it, leaving it right in the open for someone to find—if they would even look for it. I walked back to the balcony and situated the stool where I needed it. I ran my fingertips along the length of the rope a few times, staring up at the support beam.

I had never tied a noose before, so it was strange that tying one came so naturally to me. I brought it over my head a few times to make sure it was the right fit before throwing it over the beam and securing it. I allowed myself to look out at the view one last time before stepping up on the stool, toes hanging off the edge. Closing my eyes, I made a request that might be considered to a prayer.

_Just make it quick, please._

The rope felt itchy against my neck. It almost made me laugh…

I thought I heard bells. They sounded familiar and soothing, and I decided my last thoughts would be of Gan Ning, of his smile…and his bells.

_Just make it quick_…

I thought about him and the sound of his voice, the way he would call my name.

"Ling Tong!"

And I stepped off the stool.

* * *

**A/N: **You guys, I'm _really_ sorry it took me this long to update... I wanted to work on this, but...I've just been in a funk lately, and I apologize.

I'd also like to apologize for any errors this chapter might have, since I didn't proofread it (as per usual).

As always, I want to thank the reviewers whose loyalty I could never warrant: **Nan Ma**, **LadyKatatonic**, **S-chama**, **Vovo**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **Animelover6000**, and **tsukiko3000**. Thank you all for your encouraging words and feedback. I really only keep this story going for you guys. :)

Until next time.


	25. s t r i n g s

**Word Count: **3,139

* * *

strings

* * *

The rope just brushed against the under-part of my chin when something coiled around my thighs, holding me upright. The swiftness of the act left me breathless; my hands instinctively went to the noose which now hung limply around my neck.

It felt like I had just been thrown into an ice-cold river—like I'd just woken up. I felt like I'd become hyper-aware of everything, especially the intensity of Gan Ning's hold on me. I could feel the warmth of his bare chest through the fabric of my clothing as he held me up, the only thing keeping the noose from performing its intended act. My pulse was rapid and frantic as I slowly began to realize what I was just about to do.

"Take it off." Gan Ning's voice was low and sharp; it made my blood run cold. "Now."

With hands trembling uncontrollably, I complied, removing the noose from around my neck. The rope felt rougher than it had earlier. Slowly, as though unsure I had actually removed the noose, Gan Ning lowered me back to the ground. His hands had only just retracted when something hard slammed into my jaw at what felt like full-force. I staggered from impact, cradling my new injury. It was nearly impossible to read the look in Gan Ning's eyes as he stood there, staring me down. I couldn't figure out what he could possibly be thinking at that moment, and it scared me a little.

Without a word, Gan Ning grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the room, forcing me onto the bed. His head quirked over toward the desk slightly—he hesitated—and looked right at the note I'd left.

_Oh, shit…_

He shot me a quick glare before retrieving the scroll I'd left open on the desk, bringing it back to hold right in front of my face. It was so close I could barely read the characters.

"What is this." It wasn't a question; it was a demand for me to recognize what I was doing. "Tell me what this is, Ling Tong."

I didn't say anything—all my words were stuck at the back of my throat.

"_Tell me what this is_." Gan Ning jerked the scroll back and glared at it. "'_Xingba, I'm sorry.' _What the fuck is this, Ling Tong?" He threw it on the floor, his index finger jabbing in the direction of the balcony. "What the fuck is all _that_? Huh?"

I stared at the floor, at where he'd thrown the scroll. It was so hard to meet his gaze, to see that hurt look in his eyes… I just stared at the floor like a small child.

"Say something, dammit!" He snapped, grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to look at him. "What the hell was all of that? What're you doing? What're you trying to do?" It felt like someone had punched a hole right through my heart; it was hard to breathe.

I watched Gan Ning's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard, letting go of my shoulders. He clenched his jaw, withdrew a knife from his pocket, and stormed back over to the balcony. A wave of panic overtook me.

"Gan Ning—"

He didn't even so much as quirk his head. Gan Ning strode to the balcony and stepped up onto the stool. I thought I might have a heart attack.

"_Gan Ning!_"

Still ignoring me, the pirate reached up and cut the noose down, kicking the stool out of his way once he stepped off. The clattering sound it made seemed louder than it should have, causing me to flinch.

"Look at this." Gan Ning threw the noose at me. "Look at it."

I picked it up with quivering fingers, reluctant to touch it too much as if it were diseased. Running my thumb over the coarse material, it felt like my lungs were contracting—shrinking, rather. My throat felt tight.

"Finally sinking in? You selfish bastard… Do you get it now? Do you get what you were just about to do?" Gan Ning's voice wavered, causing me to look up. His eyes were glossy, fists clenched and lower-lip tucked in as though he were biting down on it. The sight reminded me of a child. And that's when it really hit home.

"I'm sorry." The words blurted from my mouth, and as soon as they did, it was as if a dam burst. My fingers, trembling uncontrollably, clenched onto the noose. "I'm sorry, Gan Ning. I—I don't know why… I wasn't thinking. I mean, I was thinking, but—only about myself. I thought it was better for me—I never thought about you or how you felt—how anyone else would feel. I was only concerned about…myself." I tried to swallow, finding the action rather difficult all of a sudden. My cheeks were already awash with tears. "It seemed so easy and I gave up. I gave up. Is that what you wanted to hear?" The words felt heavy, like bricks pressing down on my chest. "_I gave up_. Do you think I've changed my mind? I've still given up! There's nothing I can do—nothing anyone can do—so what's the point? I give up! I just want to die and get it over with—" I threw the noose on the floor. "I'm so sick of _waiting_…"

A long, palpable silence followed. I couldn't recognize any sounds other than my own relentless sobbing and jagged, pathetic breathing. My hands kept rubbing at my eyes to stop the damn tears, but it didn't do anything other than irritate my skin. My body ached. My lungs ached. My throat and eyes ached.

I slid a hand over my mouth, trying to regulate my breathing. I knew I wouldn't be able to meet his gaze; I didn't even try.

A soft rustling sound just briefly preceded the hand that grabbed my chin, forcing my head to look up. Gan Ning's gaze was startlingly serious and focused, but it still carried a tender trace. "You listen to me," he said, "and you listen good. I don't give a _fuck_ if you've given up and want to quit. _I_ haven't."

"But—"

"_I don't give a fuck, Ling Tong._ You gave up. Fine." He let go of my chin and took a step back. "I haven't. The old man and Lu Xun haven't—and even if they did, I still wouldn't give a fuck. _I _haven't given up on you, so I'm gonna keep fighting until the fucking end. You got that? So you pull another bullshit stunt like _that_—" he pointed back toward the balcony "—and I'll never forgive you. And I'll beat the fucking snot out of you if you live through it."

I stared at Gan Ning and he stared back. I was dumbfounded—by him and myself. By the entire situation. Some weird surge of emotions bubbled up inside me like acid. My eyes shifted from him to the balcony to the noose on the floor, finally settling on my hands, folded limply in my lap. I heard Gan Ning sigh, felt the bed give way underneath him as he sat beside me. One strong, familiar arm slipped around my shoulders, and I adjusted myself so I was sitting as close to him as physically possible, pressed right up against the warm flesh of his exposed chest.

"It's scary," Gan Ning said, tone soft and hardly above a whisper. "It's scary as fuck, and I'm not even the one who's sick." He paused like he was choosing his words with extreme care—something he never did. The gesture alone touched me. "I can't say I know how it feels, because I don't, and anyone who says they do is full of shit." He stopped again, took a long breath. Gan Ning's body felt warmer than usual, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was because he was angry still. "I don't know how to make this go away, Ling Tong, but I swear to whatever gods there might be, I'm going to help you through this." He squeezed my shoulder for emphasis and turned his head to look at me as he spoke. "I'm not going to abandon you now—or ever. Remember? You're stuck with me forever." He offered a weak chuckle.

I wanted to say thank you, but the words weren't enough—the gesture wasn't nearly enough. I didn't know how to thank Gan Ning for what he was promising or for everything he'd already done for me. Instead, I rubbed my eyes one last time, let out a deep breath, and—coiling my arms around his torso—drew myself flush against him, trying to express even a fragment of my gratitude through the simple act.

This was the third time he saved my life.

* * *

Gan Ning and I lounged around until late afternoon, when three crisp knocks on the door broke us from whatever little world we'd fallen into.

"Ling Tong? Are you in here?"

It was Lu Meng.

Gan Ning gave an exaggerated groan (one that was loud enough to be heard by the man outside the door). "Can't a guy get some damn peace around here?" He rolled onto his side and slung an arm over my waist, as we were lying in bed. "Tell the old man to fuck off," he said into the sheets.

I ran a hand down his back, using the other to lift his arm enough so I could slip off the bed. "It'll only take a minute, Xingba." As a panicked afterthought, I added: "Keep your promise."

He tilted his head to glance up at me, expression stoic. "Only if you keep yours."

"Of course." I gave a weak smile. All the negative thoughts I'd accumulated last night and this morning were still lingering in my bones; it was difficult to shake them, even in Gan Ning's presence.

Lu Meng was waiting patiently on the other side of the door, and for a moment—though it was brief—a smile crossed his features. The seriousness of his expression worried me. "Ling Tong, I'm happy to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"

"Well enough, all things considered." I stepped aside to let him in, ignoring the daggers Gan Ning was throwing me across the room with his eyes.

"Glad to see you're up and being your usual, constructive self, Gan Ning," Lu Meng remarked upon seeing the pirate sprawled across the bed.

"Glad to see you haven't fallen down a flight of stairs due to your arthritis and waning eyesight, old man." Gan Ning replied with a cozy smirk.

I rolled my eyes and interrupted before this back-and-forth thing could continue. "So, Lord Lu Meng, what brings you all the way up here? Business?" I assumed as much, judging by the solemn expression that was inset in his features.

Lu Meng drew a long breath and rubbed his eyes. I noted the dark crescents that hung underneath them. "Lord Sun Quan wants to press the attack against Wei. I know you're still recovering, Ling Tong, but he's serious about this. Our lord wants regular training sessions and council meetings. We were fortunate he went as long as he did without them, but now…" He rubbed his eyes again. "Now you'll have to be more actively present, if you catch my meaning."

I nodded, ignoring the lump that was starting to form in my throat. Lu Meng was worried others would start to catch onto my illness—and with good reason. I hadn't had any real physical activity like training in a long time, and after my absence (from just about everything and everyone other than Lu Meng, Lu Xun, and Gan Ning), I was going to need to prove that nothing was amiss.

"Lu Xun has already started compiling potential medicines for you to take, Ling Tong," the elder strategist went on. "We don't know if any of them will work—or what their possible side-effects might be—so we'll have to proceed with caution once you start using them."

Gan Ning gave a distasteful snort. "What, you guys think he's some guinea pig or lab rat or something? Gonna test all this shit on him and hope like hell it works? Good things neither of you two became doctors."

"We don't have many other options, Gan Ning," I said. Not that the idea of trying strange elixirs appealed to me, either…

"I do have some good news, though," Lu Meng spoke again after a brief pause. "Though it's small in comparison to our current problems, Lord Sun Quan has agreed to allow private training lessons between the three of us. I told him you two still weren't getting along and that I wanted to oversee you working together, so I was able to buy us some time to see where you're currently at, Ling Tong."

"Old man, you're kind of a genius." Gan Ning offered a crooked smile as he rolled himself to the edge of the bed and sat upright.

"Every old man has his day, I suppose," Lu Meng smiled in turn. "Though you two are going to have to help keep up the act—start bickering like you used to."

I stared at the strategist and felt my own lips quirk upward. The chill of my attempted suicide still rang in my bones like a haunting echo, but I still felt this grateful surge well up in my chest. Lu Xun had probably been pouring over books for the last couple of days, researching herbs and remedies with his limitless diligence, and Lu Meng had been pulling strings on my part, too. Both of them were working hard…for me. To help me.

The guilt of my actions from this morning sunk in with renewed strength, striking my bones so the chill rang anew. I was ready to throw everything away and give up like a damn coward while the three of them—Gan Ning, Lu Meng, and Lu Xun—were doing their best to help me. I was—and always would be—eternally grateful to Gan Ning for stopping me, but the guilt didn't do much to salvage my mood. If anything, it only helped make me feel worse about myself.

"Ling Tong?"

I blinked several times in rapid succession, bringing myself back to the moment at hand. Both Lu Meng and Gan Ning were watching me with cautious expressions. I forced a full-out smile onto my lips and scratched the back of my neck.

"Thank you, Lord Lu Meng. For everything."

The strategist waved a dismissive hand, not looking all too convinced that I was alright. "At any rate, Lu Xun's been brewing up medicines all morning. He has the first batch ready for you." He looked out the balcony and scratched his beard. "Seems I'm running behind schedule…"

"When's the first training session?" Gan Ning asked, not one to be left out of the conversation for long.

"Tomorrow morning."

The pirate nearly fell off the bed. "_What?_"

My reaction was similar, though not as exaggerated. "Why so soon?" I asked, none too eager to learn the answer.

Lu Meng sighed and rubbed his eyes again. "Our lord wants to start the campaign within the next month. He's worried if we take too much time to strike first, we'll miss our window of opportunity and spend our resources on defense rather than offense. I know this is short notice—especially since you're still recovering, Ling Tong—but if you don't want anyone else to find out about your illness, you're going to have to play the right role and play it well." Despite his words, he looked unhappy with the whole situation. "Now, I've got several other things to take care of this afternoon, so I'll be leaving shortly. However," he turned to Gan Ning, "I need to discuss something with you."

"Me?" The pirate pointed at himself, feigning shock. "You sure you want to talk to such a delinquent?"

"Enough games, Gan Ning. Get serious."

"Oh, I'm plenty serious about this, Lu Meng."

Both Lu Meng and I gave Gan Ning an incredulous stare. He _never_ addressed the strategist correctly when it was the three of us like this (and if he ever did at all, well, that knowledge was beyond me).

"Anyway," Lu Meng regained his composure, "I want you to look after Ling Tong."

I had to interrupt here. "Now wait just a minute—"

"No," Gan Ning counter-interrupted, to my surprise. "He's right. Right now you're in no condition to be wandering around by yourself, and once you start taking those weird medicines, you'll need someone to make sure you don't just drop over. And don't _even_ think you can talk your way out of it, considering your history."

I stared, opened my mouth to protest, and closed it again. Though I was appreciative for the gesture—and I got off a little on Gan Ning's possessiveness, but only a little—the idea struck me as rather ridiculous. "Well, I didn't know Lord Sun Quan was paying you to be my _babysitter_. And besides, I thought we weren't supposed to be getting along? How's that going to look when someone sees you doting on me and following me around like some mother hen?"

Gan Ning bristled at the words _babysitter _and _mother hen_, but I wasn't trying to belittle _him_ with the statement—just the plan.

"Gan Ning won't be hovering over your shoulder all day," Lu Meng said, "but he'll be within helping distance, should something come about. And if anyone asks why you two are spending so much time together, say it's part of my training." He offered a weak smile. "I'm pulling the best strings I can for this, boys, but I still need your help."

"Don't worry about it, old man." Gan Ning slid off the bed and stretched, looking thoroughly satisfied by the pops and cracks his joints made. "I won't let our ill princess leave my sight."

My eyes narrowed in his direction. I thought we'd retired that little nickname…

"So does that make you my lady-in-waiting, then?" I asked, arms crossed. Lu Meng tried his best to stifle his laugh and make it seem like a cough. "What good princess is without one, after all?"

Gan Ning smirked. "I guess it does, princess." I knew by his tone he was just playing around; this wasn't the same _princess_ he used to use with spite. It almost made me smile.

"Then will you escort Her Majesty to Lu Xun's study?" Lu Meng said, the crescents that hung underneath his eyes no longer looking so dark. "It's about time we start to fight this illness back."

* * *

**A/N: **this update took...3 months? I'm so sorry you guys. :'( I could think up plenty of excuses, but the truth is I've been horribly uninspired and lazy lately...and I'm sorry. ;u;

Also, I noticed ff messed up most of my titles so there's only one letter left... -u- Please ignore that until I fix it!

You guys are all so sweet to me, my wonderful, loyal, too-kind-for-words reviewers! ;A; **LadyKatatonic**, **Vovo**, **Animelover6000**, **YakyuBaka**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **tsukiko3000**, **Nan Ma**, **S-chama**, **FelixTehCat**, **Ischemia**, **Ling Tong**, **Twin Fox Tails**, **Celeborn**, **lil-lexa**, **Ablueberrynight**, and **Kam14**. I honestly cannot thank you guys enough for taking the time to leave me feedback. I truly appreciate it. Like I've said before, you guys are the only reason I keep this story going, so, thank you. :)

Well, I hope this chapter wasn't _too_ terrible after all this time... and hopefully the next chapter doesn't take me three months to write!  
I hope you guys will stick around. c:


	26. w a i t i n g

**Word Count:** 3,365

**Notes:** please see end for info regarding future updates

* * *

waiting

* * *

It was a short walk to Lu Xun's study where he was, as I'd guessed, pouring over half a dozen books and scrolls alike, scurrying from one desk to another with various herbs in his hands. He was so engrossed in his work that he didn't see us standing in the doorway, so I gave a soft knock while Gan Ning cleared his throat (if not a bit too loudly).

Lu Xun visibly jumped, nearly dropping a flask filled with a murky violet liquid. His eyes darted from my face to Gan Ning's before a look of recognition crossed his features.

"Sorry for the intrusion, Lu Xun," I said, smiling meekly. "Lord Lu Meng suggested I come see you."

The words were hardly out of my mouth before Lu Xun crossed the room and had his slender arms wrapped around my frame, grip like a vice. The way he buried his face in my robes reminded me of a small child, and something in my chest spasmed in pain. Not even a few hours ago, I was about to cause him even more grief. My attempted suicide still rung through my bones like a hollow echo, chilling and somber. It was a hard feeling to try and shake off.

"You're alive." Lu Xun exhaled the words as though letting out a breath that had been terribly painful to hold. My guilt reverberated anew.

Gan Ning cleared his throat again—this time more aggressively—and I shot him an icy glare. Ever considerate of others, though, Lu Xun withdrew himself and took a step back, rubbing under his eyes. He had tears in them, but not a single one fell. Compassionate yet strong, I often forgot Lu Xun was more than just the short, chipper young man he displayed: he was a general, a warrior.

"I just—my apologies, but I haven't seen you since…" Lu Xun glanced at Gan Ning, as though waiting for permission to continue.

"He knows," I said.

Gan Ning shifted uncomfortably, a scowl forming on his brow, but remained silent.

"I hadn't seen you since we told you," Lu Xun went on, "and then I heard you collapsed… Lord Lu Meng wouldn't let anyone in to see you, so I just—I assumed the worst." He cast his head down, ashamed. "I felt helpless…so I started researching as many possible medicines as I could. I'm so happy to see you standing, Ling Tong, I could just—" Lu Xun trailed off into an earnest smile. "I am relieved beyond words to see you."

I tried to reciprocate the smile, but it paled in comparison to the light behind Lu Xun's. _I _was the one who put him through all of this, and I was going to be the cause of more distress as time went on…as I got sicker. I would cause him nothing but grief until it was over, and even that would hurt him. The thought struck a nerve—several of them—and I bit down on my lower lip to keep myself from all-out scowling. Now wasn't the time to fall back into my spiral of despair.

"So, you got anything useful in here?" Gan Ning asked, wandering amid all the flasks and books strewn about the room. "The old man said you'd have something to help. Where is it?"

"Ah, yes! This one right here—" Lu Xun grabbed a tall flask filled with a strange green liquid. The color made my stomach lurch. "This should be potent enough now. The first batch—I made it looking up remedies to what ailments you've currently suffered."

"What the hell's in this, anyway?" Gan Ning scrutinized the contents of the flask up close, his nose nearly touching the glass. "You sure this is even safe? This isn't some sort of lab game where you get to mix a few things for their pretty colors and hope for the best. This is Ling Tong's _life _we're talking about." His tone was hard, his glare harder. "If you're not taking this seriously—"

I was about to jump to Lu Xun's defense, but he didn't need it. "I am taking this _very _seriously, Master Gan Ning," the strategist replied curtly. This took both Gan Ning and I off-guard. "I would never think to toy with something such as this. I've spent hours doing extensive research on all these herbs and potions, and I've even tried them all myself to make sure they're safe. I haven't slept more than a few hours in four days, and I don't plan on doing so until I feel like I've actually _accomplished _something." He steeled himself, took a long breath. "I would sooner die than let Ling Tong down. I will see him through this—of that, you have my word."

I was utterly blown away, but Gan Ning looked satisfied. "Good," he said. "That's what I wanted to hear."

They were all willing to give up so much for me. Lu Meng, Lu Xun, and Gan Ning…and I was so close to throwing all their efforts away. I felt infinitely stupid and just as guilty. I didn't deserve them. Any of them.

"So, _Doctor_," Gan Ning said as he seated himself in a nearby chair. "Why don't you tell us more about that weird green medicine of yours?"

"I'd be happy to," Lu Xun replied, now back to his usual self. Any indication of how he'd reacted before was a mere memory. "This one here is a delicate combination of herbs, spices, berries, and roots—it gets its color from the herbs, by the way. It's the most basic one I have so far, but I thought it was a safe start."

"Side effects?"

"Light-headedness, though it shouldn't be enough to interfere with your everyday tasks." Lu Xun suddenly frowned. "Unless, of course, I've miscalculated the severity of your other symptoms…it could be worse."

Gan Ning scoffed. "That's reassuring."

"Some mild stomachaches and maybe an occasional nosebleed, but your side effects shouldn't be anything too serious this time around."

"_This_ time around?"

Even I had to admit that sounded…less than thrilling. "Are you saying the other medicines are going to have more severe side effects?" I asked.

Lu Xun looked pained, almost cornered. "Depending on how much…experimentation is needed, I may have to use stronger ingredients, which will have stronger side effects."

Gan Ning scoffed again. "Well, this just keeps getting better by the minute…"

"At any rate," Lu Xun said, trying to salvage something that resembled positivity, "this is where it all begins: your road to recovery, Ling Tong." He poured some of the green liquid into a small teacup and handed it to me, smiling bravely. "To your health."

I nodded and took the cup. "To brighter mornings," I added under my breath, and downed the contents in one go. The medicine had a chalky texture to it, leaving an aftertaste that was both bitter and strangely metallic. Certainly not the most pleasant thing I'd ever had to drink, but I'd also had worse.

Like Lu Xun said, this was the start of it all. If none of these medicines proved to work—or didn't work fast enough—then that was it.

It was now a waiting game.

* * *

Our first training session with Lu Meng didn't end too badly. I was terribly out of shape after countless days of bed rest and lounging about, but Lu Meng took his time (though Gan Ning didn't bother to hide his remarks on wanting to 'help me build up my stamina'). It was embarrassing enough, but not impossible. As it turned out, Lu Xun was right about the lightheadedness and stomachaches, though I didn't let either get in the way of my training. We did have to stop on the second day, though, due to a rather lengthy nosebleed.

To make matters better, Lord Sun Quan hadn't called any councils yet. The first wasn't to start for another week, which meant I had more time to get back into the swing of things.

Four days into the training and Gan Ning and I were whipped by the end of the day. We could hardly manage to even fall into bed properly, let alone work up the energy to do anything intimate. Gan Ning was bitter about this, naturally, but I told him things would slow down soon enough.

And then it got worse. More specifically, _I _got worse.

On our fifth day of sparring, just when I thought I was starting to reclaim some of my old stamina, I found myself winded in a matter of minutes. Lu Meng said it was probably the medicine, so I didn't think much of it. My lightheadedness worsened throughout the day, but I kept that to myself, only growing concerned when it followed into the next morning.

By the seventh day I could hardly summon up enough strength to spar for a few minutes, constantly staggering due to the spinning in my head. Lu Meng suggested we take a break.

"You okay?" Gan Ning asked, tone soft. He knelt beside me as I cupped river water in my hands, splashing it against my face.

We both knew it was a pointless question, but I offered him a reassuring smile nonetheless. "Probably just bad side effects," I said. "I'll be fine."

"You sure you should be pushing yourself like this? I know the old man wants to make sure you're in fighting condition—I do, too—but not if it means wrecking your body."

I tried to give him another smile, but there was this sudden prickling feeling in my stomach. I knew what it was, and just managed to dash to a nearby shrub before the bile spilled out, my stomach clenching painfully as it emptied itself. Or, at least, I thought it was just bile. Looking down at my hand—and at the ground—I noticed something odd about it. It was awfully red. _Very _awfully red.

"Lu Meng!" Gan Ning called from somewhere over my shoulder. "Old man, get over here!"

My hands started trembling as I retched up more blood and bile, my throat aching from the burn. Lu Meng's hurried footsteps registered in the back of my mind as I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, trying not to fall forward into my own mess.

"Oh no." Lu Meng's tone was startlingly solemn, which only added to the trembling of my fingers. I wasn't an idiot—I knew throwing up my own blood wasn't good—but for some reason, hearing the seriousness just from Lu Meng's tone alone…it was frightening.

"What should we do? Take him to Lu Xun?" Gan Ning sounded stricken.

"No, take him back to his room. I'll inform Lu Xun and meet you both there." A familiar hand clasped my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. "You'll be all right, Ling Tong. Hang in there."

A thought occurred to me then, drifting in from the edge of my consciousness: was this it? Was I dying now? Was I just going to throw up blood and bile until I—died? Was it even possible to die from such a thing? Maybe this was only the first part—the first symptom—

"Can you walk?"

I groaned as I staggered to my feet. "Of course I can walk."

"You sure as hell don't look too convincing."

"I'm not letting you carry me in, if that's your alternative," I said, world spinning as I took a step toward him. Lu Meng was long gone. "How would that look? We're—_I'm _supposed to be convincing everyone I'm okay, so being carried in like a new bride is out of the question."

"I'll carry you over my shoulder or something—say it was a sparring accident—or drag you in by your feet behind me. I don't care, so long as I get you to some help." Gan Ning's tone and expression were both stone hard and serious.

"No. Besides, if you slung me over your shoulder I might just…throw up again." The thought alone made my stomach convulse. "Give me a second and I'll be fine."

Gan Ning was unconvinced—everything about him screamed it—but he said nothing more. I took several deep breaths and tried to will away the dizziness in my head (with no success) before taking a few cautious steps. It was possible I could make it up to my room, provided we didn't run into any distractions.

"Can you do it?" Gan Ning asked, though he would still be unconvinced, regardless of the answer I gave.

"Yes," I said. "Let's not stop to smell the roses along the way, though."

We ran into Ding Feng on our way up, but Gan Ning managed to steer him away with a few curt replies and an icy glare to boot. Not that I noticed much, as I was too focused on staying upright and keeping whatever was in my stomach down.

Lu Xun and Lu Meng were waiting in my room when we arrived, both of their faces a shade paler than usual. An array of flasks and herbs lined one side of my bed, as well as the nightstand and any other flat-enough surface.

With the door shut and locked behind us, I slumped against Gan Ning's shoulder, grateful for the support it provided. My head was swimming and my limbs felt like lead; I was amazed I'd managed to walk this far without fainting like a maiden.

Without hesitating, Gan Ning secured his arms around me and led me over to the bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, though, my vision blurred and the dizziness that overcame me was nauseating. I was up and retching into a thoughtfully-placed bucket in a matter of seconds. I remained hanging over the side of the bed, arms shaking as they held me up. It only dawned on me than that at some point I'd broken into a cold sweat.

"What's wrong with him? What the hell did you do to him?" Gan Ning's voice was distinct, though much too loud as it threatened to crack my skull—when the headache had started, I had no idea, but now it was enough to tear my skull asunder.

"Gan Ning, calm down." Lu Meng said. "You and I both know this wasn't Lu Xun's doing."

"Blood! He's throwing up blood! Might have mentioned _that _in your little spiel, _Doctor_," Gan Ning barked.

"That's not one of the symptoms." Lu Xun's voice was unusually quiet—or was that just due to my swimming head? "This must be part of the illness, a new stage—"

"Oh, that's fucking _great_! Seven days into your medicine plan and he's on the next damn _stage_? Is that a coincidence? I sure as hell don't think so!"

"Gan Ning, calm yourself or I will kick you out." Lu Meng warned.

"Not to interrupt," I managed to say as I rolled onto my back, head reeling with the movement. I couldn't finish my sentence, though, as another wave of nausea overtook me. The spasms were becoming rougher and more painful, and my entire body trembled just from the strain of it.

Gan Ning appeared beside me out of nowhere, callused hands holding either of my shoulders for support as I stared into the contents of the bucket. "It's okay, Ling Tong. You're going to be okay."

"It would be useless to give him any medicine now," Lu Meng remarked from somewhere to the left—or was it the right? "We'll have to wait and see if he can keep anything down."

"So we're just going to let him do this until, what, he just stops? That the plan?" Gan Ning was on the defense. _My _defense. I was grateful to have him here, as I was unable to ask anything myself.

"There's really not much else we can do, Gan Ning, as much as it pains me to say it. I hate seeing him like this as much as you do."

"_Do_ you?" Gan Ning grunted, his hold on my shoulders tightening. Painfully so.

It was another waiting game, then.

* * *

Several hours passed before I even dared to look at anything that resembled food. If I could keep it down, I could finally get some blasted medicine, and that was incentive enough for me to try.

Gan Ning had stayed with me the entire time, of course. Lu Meng made no protest before he left, saying he still had meetings and things to attend to. I didn't mind; I always knew he was busy. Besides, having him hovering over me like a mother hen wasn't going to do anything. Lu Xun stayed, too, but fell into deep thought and kept to himself—and his pile of books, which I hadn't noticed earlier.

Bread was the first thing—and only thing—I ate. It seemed safe enough. Bland enough. Gan Ning suggested I try something more, maybe something with protein, but I declined, despite how empty my stomach felt. It was a deceiving feeling since I knew that, should I try to fill it up, it would only empty itself out again in a matter of minutes.

So, after I successfully kept the bread down long enough to appease Lu Xun, I was given a generously-sized cup of tea. Lu Xun said the medicine was a powder this time, one that worked well with the natural remedies of the tea, so I drank it slowly. It managed to dull my headache and finally anchor my swimming mind, but I still felt wretched.

After Lu Xun had left to get Lu Meng, Gan Ning started peppering my forehead with kisses. I tried to swat him away, covering my mouth with my other hand.

"I'm completely repulsive right now," I said. "I'm covered in sweat and the taste in my mouth could probably kill a horse, not to mention I don't exactly smell like roses." I could feel his lips curl into a smile against my skin, and was forced to bury my face in the pillow. "Leave me alone."

Gan Ning chuckled, soft and intimate. It sent a shiver down my spine. "You're _always _desirable to me."

"That's weird." I turned my head out of the pillow enough so he could hear me. "Seriously, though, I'm gross right now and I _feel _gross. This is hardly the time…"

"I'm not trying to get anything out of you, if that's what you're worried about." Gan Ning sat up, the bed creaking with the motion. "I was worried. That's all."

"I'm sorry," I said, "for worrying you like this…so often."

"It's not that." Gan Ning pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "It's this whole sickness thing. It's so real now—I mean, obviously it was real before, too—but to see it happening like this… I don't know. It's scary."

That was the second time I ever heard Gan Ning admit that this—my illness—was frightening. Though it was reassuring to know someone else was afraid of this, too, it was also unsettling. If Gan Ning was afraid of it, then it was something to be feared. The lump that had formed in my throat was difficult to swallow down.

Gan Ning must have noticed my lack of response, as I felt a hand running in slow, soothing motions on my back. "Don't worry about it, though," he said. As if that would really do anything to calm my nerves. "I said I'd see you through this. It'll take a hell of a lot more for _anything_ to take you from me."

I smiled into the pillow, the hand on my back warm and comforting. It all seemed so easy when I listened to Gan Ning—getting better actually seemed possible. I didn't want to leave him any more than he wanted me to go, but…neither of us may have a choice in the end. There was only so much Lu Xun could do with his medicine.

When it came down to it, it was still just a waiting game.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, almost another 3 months for an update… I'm really sorry, you guys. You deserve better. I hope this chapter wasn't too much of a disappointment. :(

When I first started writing this chapter, I thought it was going to be my last update of this fic. Now that it's written, though, I feel like I still want to finish this story. If you guys are willing to stick with me, I'll keep updating.

_However…_since FF updated their whole 'adult content' policy or whatever (I hope you guys know what I'm talking about, since I can't think of the specifics at the moment), I don't think I'll be updating this story _here_. I made a **LiveJournal** account, so I'll probably be posting the next chapter there. I'll leave a link on my page, if anyone's interested, but my username is _baerr. _

Because, well, I owe you guys BIG for all these long-gap updates…so I thought I might try to do a filler update that was just smut? If that sounds okay to you guys, of course.

Anyway, enough bush beating, I have to thank my reviewers. You guys mean the world to me, and I honestly would have given this fic up ages ago without you. **S-chama**, **tsukiko3000**, **lil-lexa**, **BlackCatBexxie**, **Emperor Ren of Jin**, **Ling Tong**, **Kam14**, **Animelover6000**, **FelixTehCat**, **Vovo**, and **TheEarlPhantomhive**, thank you all so much—endlessly, really. Thank you. I can't say how much your feedback means to me. I truly appreciate the time you all take to leave me a few words. :)

I guess that's all I had to say? Thanks for everything, you guys. Hopefully most of you will still stick around when I move completely to LiveJournal (which I'll do one of these days).

Thank you for reading~


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